My dad died and I am sick of being disabled

[Sarafino]

Pfcs, thank you. We are indeed people who have experienced a lot of loss. Sometimes it feels like I have lost too much and I just can’t do it anymore. Most of the time I choose life, but if I am being honest there are times I would choose death if it were easy. I made a promise to myself not to take myself out while my dad was alive. Not sure where I sit with that now. I also never planned for this part of my life because I thought when I started having significant issues with my hands and arms I’d kill myself. Yet here I am.

Many decades ago I had a freshwater plant tank. At that time I lived in a small city with no view. I moved in 2001 and am incredibly fortunate to have lovely natural views. Most days from “my” room I can oberserve deer and other critters. Lately the does have been bringing their fawns out. There is nothing more adorable that fawns running and playing. So I do have that, but still, I used to do so much outside and for a variety of reasons not all related to my disability I just don’t get to do as much as I would like anymore. There is something about moving through the natural word, like walking, driving, horseback.....that helps with the “freight train brain” as you call it I just wish I could be doing that, now.

I partly suspect my dad had some help exiting. He never wanted to set up a trust for me, and was deeply embarrassed by disability, illness, emotion, etc. He had cancer and had fallen the day before. The hospice people had brought a walker but he refused to touch it. He was fine the day before, drove himself to Walmart and everything. My suspicions only make me feel worse about my disability and that in some way I was the cause of his death. If I hadn’t of set the wheels in motion for this trust he would still be here, for a bit. Of course I am not saying this to anyone in my family.

[pfcs49]

Sarafino-you aren't that powerful. Please let it go! I guess even adult children may take on their parents behavior, like when they feel responsible for a divorce.
As I said before, it get's better. Don't leave five minutes before the miracle! (and I'm an atheist!)
Put one foot in front of the other and do something. Recovery implies action! You can't think yourself into good behavior but you can behave your way into good thinking!


And, one thing about keeping a planted tank: you won't be a spectator, you will be connected with, and cause in the matter of, the life inside. It's different than watching

[Sarafino]

Atheist here, too. I probably won’t be able to let go of my suspicions. This was an ongoing thing my whole life, my dad was very uncomfortable talking about my disability and nothing in the world was worse to him than being disabled. At any rate, I am going to try to do some art stuff today which is a whole other story of loss. I can still do some stuff with my hands, but I know the day is coming that I will need to start learning to do it by mouth. Some days that is ok, even something to look forward to, and other days I just want to bail on the whole thing. I thank you, though, for your thoughtful and heartfelt comments. Perhaps someday I will get another tank. I love reef tanks, but those are not for beginners

[lynnifer]

My dad thought I would never amount to anything and told me such after the chair at 12. What a thing to tell your kid.

That you miss him and he did things for you speaks of the love he had for you. Do you have siblings? Maybe that's why the delay on the trust.

You're going to need months to heal from this and it sounds like you're doing the right thing via 'art therapy.'

[gjnl]

Your signature indicates you are married, but you haven't mentioned that in your posts. Possibly you have not updated that part of your signature for some time. If you are no longer married coupled with the death of your father, you have a lot of loss to deal with. Sorry that you have these loses in your life and you are finding life difficult. I hope you find a way to cope. All lives matter, your life matters.

[Sarafino]

I am not married, we divorced for financial reasons. He is now my paid caregiver. This whole topic is way complicated and sad. Yes, it is another loss. The issue with the trust is it was going to be a special needs trust so any inheritance (I have absolutely no idea how much, or if, or anything, but I was told to do it just in case) won’t make me ineligible for benefits. Also a lawyer cousin told me that the government will take most of my dad’s assets through taxes, plus there will be probate courts for years because he owned property in several states. I was a sculptor and decided I need to shut down my business so that I could apply for SSDI next year. My hands are shutting down on me. It has been another huge blow. I saved some money so that I can make it a year if I get denied. I am sorta in disbelief that all of this is happening at the same time. I do have siblings, and my brothers were helping with setting up the trust. Lynnifer, that is awful what your dad said. My parents felt similarly, but didn’t say it just straight out like that. My mother did say some awful things to me right before she died, like I was an asshole even as a baby. Who says a baby was an asshole?

[baldfatdad]

There is a law that says a parent can give there stuff to a disabled child=you. My mom did it. Ask an accountant about it. Also the tax laws have been changed to where someone has to give you half a million (don't quote me on that one, I'm not a lawyer or accountant, though I did sleep with one at a holiday inn), before its taxed.

[Sarafino]

Thanks for making me laugh I am supposed to call a lawyer today for a consult. Thankfully my two brothers have heads for this sort of thing. All I want to do is lose myself in art projects.

[Brad09]

Thanks for making me laugh I am supposed to call a lawyer today for a consult. Thankfully my two brothers have heads for this sort of thing. All I want to do is lose myself in art projects.

I too am so sorry for your loss, as well as everything you're dealing with. You mentioned art, and I do a lot of art as well. One lady I was fortunate enough to meet in person years ago that I would highly recommend you looking up is Joni Eareckson Tada. She has been a C4-5 quadraplegic for over 50 years, you may have heard of her already. Anyway, she has no hand function but is able to draw and paint with her mouth on a level most people can't with their hands. You should definetly look up some of her work. She also has a pretty incredible story about dealing with her disability for so long.

[SCI-Nurse]

Here is the website for the Mouth & Foot Painting Artists association: https://mfpausa.com/

Wondering if a 3D printer would allow you to continue to do some sculpting, even if not for sale, but to satisfy your need for artistic creation.

Beating yourself over the head about all these issues in your life are not going to help you feel better about yourself and deal with any depression. I hope you can get some help dealing with this (counseling, etc.) and also legal assistance to manage these issues related to your inheritance.

(KLD)