Pfcs, thank you. We are indeed people who have experienced a lot of loss. Sometimes it feels like I have lost too much and I just can’t do it anymore. Most of the time I choose life, but if I am being honest there are times I would choose death if it were easy. I made a promise to myself not to take myself out while my dad was alive. Not sure where I sit with that now. I also never planned for this part of my life because I thought when I started having significant issues with my hands and arms I’d kill myself. Yet here I am.
Many decades ago I had a freshwater plant tank. At that time I lived in a small city with no view. I moved in 2001 and am incredibly fortunate to have lovely natural views. Most days from “my” room I can oberserve deer and other critters. Lately the does have been bringing their fawns out. There is nothing more adorable that fawns running and playing. So I do have that, but still, I used to do so much outside and for a variety of reasons not all related to my disability I just don’t get to do as much as I would like anymore. There is something about moving through the natural word, like walking, driving, horseback.....that helps with the “freight train brain” as you call itI just wish I could be doing that, now.
I partly suspect my dad had some help exiting. He never wanted to set up a trust for me, and was deeply embarrassed by disability, illness, emotion, etc. He had cancer and had fallen the day before. The hospice people had brought a walker but he refused to touch it. He was fine the day before, drove himself to Walmart and everything. My suspicions only make me feel worse about my disability and that in some way I was the cause of his death. If I hadn’t of set the wheels in motion for this trust he would still be here, for a bit. Of course I am not saying this to anyone in my family.