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Thread: This is Ami zillazangel. Chad died

  1. #31
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Anybody want to know what it's like almost 2 weeks out? Heres my facebook post today::



    So it’s noon and it’s shaping up to be another super fantastic groovy awesome great day in griefville.


    I went to the doctor today to get Ativan or Xanax or anything for the party which is really a funeral which is finally really hitting me now that people are actually arriving. Because I had a massive panic attack when I picked up a friend from the airport yesterday.


    Which is why I keep asking people to pick up people from the fucking airport FOR me because I was pretty sure that was gonna happen. And it did. So all you people who said no to me, thanks a lot.


    Then I got drunk at the hotel bar I dropped her off at and had to uber home (obviously) because I have no calm down drugs to take instead of drinking to calm down from my panic attack.


    So yeah, that’s the backstory of why I was at the doctor at 8 am this morning. I realized finally, finally it occurs to me, that SHIT I am gonna totally be a MESS at this party that actually is a fucking funeral no matter what I call it. I NEED DRUGS TO GET THROUGH IT.


    At doctors check-in the clerk super cheerfully asked how I was doing this morning. I’m getting a tiny tiny tiny bit used to that, but it’s still incredibly jarring. I want to say “what? Are you KIDDING? It’s HORRIBLE my husband just DIED - oh today for extra fun and I’m also hung over”.


    But of course as I have to, social convention requires me to lie, and so I said I’m doing fine with a half fake smile.


    Then as they always do, she confirmed my various info. Name DOB address insurance etc. then she brightly asked: single, married, widowed or divorced?


    It reverberated in my head like a shotgun had gone off ricocheting around bouncing through my grey matter leaving Swiss cheese hole tracks behind.


    I stood there in absolute shock my mouth literally hung open. My ears started ringing. My world went dark and narrowed into a tunnel, I started to sway and then the world went totally black.

    All I remember next is waking up with people staring down at me and me looking straight up at them from the floor. I’d passed straight cold. Then I sat up too quickly and promptly vomited all over a poor someone’s shoes.


    So that my friends is how it feels the first time you are even ASKED to say out loud “i am a widow”. And I never did actually answer the question! I sure can’t wait for the next time I go and have to answer that question. Over and over and over again every time I go, they routinely ask that question. Yes I know to expect it now. But shit.


    I never even noticed that question before. I was always just .... married. Sometimes I joked I was married AND divorced. That question isn’t benign nor funny anymore.


    Then later in the morning, yes today, this same morning, I got totally overwhelmed again meeting with some people (people I love and who are massively supportive, it was the topic we were talking about and probably the aforementioned barfing that overwhelmed me not them) when my heart started racing, my chest started to hurt, and then the world started to go dark again.


    I slithered out of my chair to the floor voluntarily before my body did it for me involuntarily. I stayed there on the floor for a long time and later of course had to be driven home (home = Elisa’s where she knows to just simply say as I lay here feeling sorry for myself “yep this sucks” and not hover or fix it or say something stupid platitude).


    This. Fucking. Sucks.


    I want to close my eyes and hope it just all gets better but EVERY GODDAMNED FUCKING DAY HAS GOTTEN WORSE.


    Not better.


    They lie. Time doesn’t heal. I call complete total bullshit on that.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  2. #32
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    So yah. Welcome to being fucking me. I miss him so GODDAMNED much. So i betcha no one thinks i'm a FUCKING DEVO now.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  3. #33
    So sorry, Ami. Don't let yourself go down the road of alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. It can become a permanent crutch. Please ask your religious minister or physician for a referral to a grief counselor or grief group. It can help to share with others who are going through something similar. We are here for you too...vent as much as you want.

    (KLD)
    The SCI-Nurses are advanced practice nurses specializing in SCI/D care. They are available to answer questions, provide education, and make suggestions which you should always discuss with your physician/primary health care provider before implementing. Medical diagnosis is not provided, nor do the SCI-Nurses provide nursing or medical care through their responses on the CareCure forums.

  4. #34
    No, time doesn't heal. Time allows things to get better, meaning that you eventually get used to the new norm and you learn coping mechanisms, you can enjoy aspects of your life again and remember things without descending into an abyss...but that takes a lot more time than two weeks. Most grief counselors say that it takes at least a year, which is why they also advise not making any important decisions during the first year. You will be out of your mind with grief sometimes, then emerge into a patch of sunlight, then dip back into the abyss again - eventually, the spaces between peaks get longer and even out. You will have a private wound, but you will be able to function again, and even to smile and laugh - and mean it. I agree with KLD, a grief counselor and/or support group would be a big help in the meantime, if only so that you can learn what to expect and see that this suffering is shared.
    MS with cervical and thoracic cord lesions

  5. #35
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SCI-Nurse View Post
    So sorry, Ami. Don't let yourself go down the road of alcohol or drugs to numb your pain. It can become a permanent crutch. Please ask your religious minister or physician for a referral to a grief counselor or grief group. It can help to share with others who are going through something similar. We are here for you too...vent as much as you want.

    (KLD)
    Ugh!!! Did you REALLY just tell me to not go down the road of alcohol or drugs?????? Jesus. I've been a widow for 13 DAYS, I post raw sheering pain to show people WHAT ITS LIKE to miss your husband and THAT is what you have to say? God. Why do you think I DON'T have a grief counselor? Why do you think i HAVEN'T been to my physician? Why do you think I'm not hooked with young widows in a similar situation? Why didn't you ASK if I have those things instead ASSUMING I don't. I DO have ALL of those things, not that it's your goddamned business.

    I am so fucking done here. Last I was last time but I now I REALLY mean it.

    UGH!!!!!!!!
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

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