Anybody want to know what it's like almost 2 weeks out? Heres my facebook post today::

So it’s noon and it’s shaping up to be another super fantastic groovy awesome great day in griefville.

I went to the doctor today to get Ativan or Xanax or anything for the party which is really a funeral which is finally really hitting me now that people are actually arriving. Because I had a massive panic attack when I picked up a friend from the airport yesterday.

Which is why I keep asking people to pick up people from the fucking airport FOR me because I was pretty sure that was gonna happen. And it did. So all you people who said no to me, thanks a lot.

Then I got drunk at the hotel bar I dropped her off at and had to uber home (obviously) because I have no calm down drugs to take instead of drinking to calm down from my panic attack.

So yeah, that’s the backstory of why I was at the doctor at 8 am this morning. I realized finally, finally it occurs to me, that SHIT I am gonna totally be a MESS at this party that actually is a fucking funeral no matter what I call it. I NEED DRUGS TO GET THROUGH IT.

At doctors check-in the clerk super cheerfully asked how I was doing this morning. I’m getting a tiny tiny tiny bit used to that, but it’s still incredibly jarring. I want to say “what? Are you KIDDING? It’s HORRIBLE my husband just DIED - oh today for extra fun and I’m also hung over”.

But of course as I have to, social convention requires me to lie, and so I said I’m doing fine with a half fake smile.

Then as they always do, she confirmed my various info. Name DOB address insurance etc. then she brightly asked: single, married, widowed or divorced?

It reverberated in my head like a shotgun had gone off ricocheting around bouncing through my grey matter leaving Swiss cheese hole tracks behind.

I stood there in absolute shock my mouth literally hung open. My ears started ringing. My world went dark and narrowed into a tunnel, I started to sway and then the world went totally black.

All I remember next is waking up with people staring down at me and me looking straight up at them from the floor. I’d passed straight cold. Then I sat up too quickly and promptly vomited all over a poor someone’s shoes.

So that my friends is how it feels the first time you are even ASKED to say out loud “i am a widow”. And I never did actually answer the question! I sure can’t wait for the next time I go and have to answer that question. Over and over and over again every time I go, they routinely ask that question. Yes I know to expect it now. But shit.

I never even noticed that question before. I was always just .... married. Sometimes I joked I was married AND divorced. That question isn’t benign nor funny anymore.

Then later in the morning, yes today, this same morning, I got totally overwhelmed again meeting with some people (people I love and who are massively supportive, it was the topic we were talking about and probably the aforementioned barfing that overwhelmed me not them) when my heart started racing, my chest started to hurt, and then the world started to go dark again.

I slithered out of my chair to the floor voluntarily before my body did it for me involuntarily. I stayed there on the floor for a long time and later of course had to be driven home (home = Elisa’s where she knows to just simply say as I lay here feeling sorry for myself “yep this sucks” and not hover or fix it or say something stupid platitude).

This. Fucking. Sucks.

I want to close my eyes and hope it just all gets better but EVERY GODDAMNED FUCKING DAY HAS GOTTEN WORSE.

Not better.

They lie. Time doesn’t heal. I call complete total bullshit on that.