View Poll Results: Friend situation after sci

Voters
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  • I lost all of my friends after injury

    7 20.00%
  • I lost most of my friends after injury

    10 28.57%
  • I didn't lose any of my friends after injury

    9 25.71%
  • I kept in touch with most of my friends, but rarely see them since injury injury

    9 25.71%
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Thread: Friends, how many did you lose? How many do you still have?

  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    SF bay area, CA
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    Having your friends burst into tears at the bar sounds really tough. I have to believe if they were older, they would know life's a bitch and you just have to endure the bad times. The tears don't come so easily after you've suffered many hardships. Your dad and his buds notwithstanding, it's been my experience that people generally want to be helpful to connect on a human level. But I'm a para, so I'm sure my perception is effected by the ability to use my hands and be somewhat independent. I had a quad friend who "held court" every evening. ABs & PWDs just dropped by. I very rarely went to his apartment when he was alone. This man was unique in that regard, we've talked about his "people-magnet" skills a lot since his passing. Sure do miss him, his disability had nothing to do with his popularity.

    I replied to the poll but am not happy with my answer. I would have preferred an option between "I lost most my friends" & "I didn't lose any friends". I kept most my friends but there were definitely some who couldn't handle it. The friend who was with me the night of the accident (I had just dropped her off at her house) was unable to be around my wheelchair. I told her I didn't hold her responsible (we were out drinking that night) but she just couldn't handle it. She went so far as to move to a place far from me. I figured that was her problem & since I had plenty of my own, it didn't bother me when she left. Also, I had other friends - didn't need her. This was 38 years ago, just a blip on the radar now. SMH. What a long, strange trip it's been.

  2. #12
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Windsor ON Canada
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    19,320
    I guess my experience would be different as it happened entering grade 8. So I still had years to cultivate new friends etc at high school.

    Many did contact me (high school friends) in my thirties and expressed jealousy that I had a career and that they didn't. I imagine this was a time when they were tiring from marriage and raising small children - lol. Now most are almost at the end with their children quickly approaching 18 and at that age, we'll want friends around.

    I still keep in contact with co-workers from age 21 and on - most are on my facebook along with friends from back home. I have this stupid thing in my head where I divide my friends between 'before paralysis' and 'after paralysis.' I'm thankful that I still have contact with so many from before. Still have co-workers from the cop shoppe on my facebook as well.

    Most know that I'm having a difficult time right now and want to be alone ... the hardest part was David leaving after 13yrs. I felt so very alone. That was rough back in 2010 or 09. I've recovered well though. I now find myself at a time (age 43) where I don't really have a need or want to meet new people, especially a partner. I'm exhausted of the same inane questions and the effort it takes. Different for me as well because I'm on long-term disability through an employer so taking home 5x the amount that a person on provincial disability would take home for disabled friends ... meaning they can't do a lot. Others can afford to go the casino and shows all the time - I can't keep up with that. Others are married with careers by this point. Most of my walking co-workers work shift work so impossible to meet up unless it's a work function.

    Plan your life with yourself in mind. What will you do to support yourself? Where do you see yourself in two - five years? Working really does cultivate friends, as well as school. Just because you're getting a settlement doesn't mean you're not capable of working and yay you'll be able to afford school! Some of the best schools in Toronto! There are vent dependent quads around here who own their own business, quads who used to work on Wall Street and changed careers (now that's brave) to voice over work. Quads who letter very famous comics. Psychologists - even doctors around here!

    Being alone and doing nothing will cultivate depression. You need to have an outside thing to keep your mind busy and have something to offer with friends, partners etc.

    There's also political policy .. some advocate work needs to be done in Canada. If First Nations don't pay taxes, I don't think the 'catastropic injuries' should either .. we just generally have more costs and receive less than adequate healthcare as compared to normal Canadians. If they have tuition free as well, with a 65% unemployment rate among disabled people - higher education would help them achieve more graduate jobs (desk type) that require a lot of education. Housing is always a never-ending well of need also.
    Last edited by lynnifer; 05-27-2016 at 03:35 AM.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  3. #13
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2014
    Location
    Pueblo, COlorado
    Posts
    2
    This is my first reply on anything, anywhere and I'm sure I will screw it all up. I became a T -10 paraplegic with lost right arm five and a half years ago... I was in the heat and cool trade which meant free or cheap parts or Installs... I also took family and friends hunting and fishing on my private land for years. As of 30 I have 1 friend and 2 family members that come and see or call.. So don't feel so bad...

  4. #14
    Welcome drea1mers!

    I am fortunate to have a very tight group of friends from where i grew up, some going all the way back to kindergarten.

  5. #15
    Senior Member
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    Mar 2012
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    Hampstead NC
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    Drea1mers,

    When I was first hurt at work in 1963 most of my work acquaintances just dropped me even though I still tried to continue working in my trade and the associated trades that were a part of my Union and skill set. However, after a relatively short time I found I could not realistically continue to work at those trades, without being a burden on a crew. No one said anything, I just figured it out on my own.

    So what I did was sell my now heavy weight mortgaged home outside Boston MA., "I" took the cash and bought an abandoned dairy farm, built it back up and was successful for a number of years. A great place and atmosphere to raise a young family. As there was fast approaching a glut of milk, and products. I sold my cattle and lived on the farm mortgage free, while working for my municipality, since I had a pretty rounded skill set in heavy construction, equipment operation, and maintenance etc., when the "boss" quit, I applied to fill his duties. And I was appointed until the next Town Election, This was an elected position at that time, I won several election's during those first years. Later I lost an election by one vote, and "I" moved on.

    However, excepting a very few close friends, most were my wife's friends, I had two true friends, not simply acquaintances, at this point. But distance geographically make a difference, and while on those occasions when we could get together, the close friendships fade away. One has now passed away and the other one is angry with my "liberal" politics.

    Oh well, I cannot change who I am. But those "friends" who did hunt and fish with me back in the day, dropped me like a hot potato, when I did get hurt. Those types are not really "friends" they are simply acquaintances, and of course some are users.

    Those folks who support you unconditionally, and under all conditions, good or bad, are "friends". They are few and far between, these true "friends" keeping them is a mutual effort, but it is the unconditional friendship that is the point, and few make that effort, but you have to make that effort as well.

  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by lynnifer View Post
    I guess my experience would be different as it happened entering grade 8. So I still had years to cultivate new friends etc at high school.

    Many did contact me (high school friends) in my thirties and expressed jealousy that I had a career and that they didn't. I imagine this was a time when they were tiring from marriage and raising small children - lol. Now most are almost at the end with their children quickly approaching 18 and at that age, we'll want friends around.

    I still keep in contact with co-workers from age 21 and on - most are on my facebook along with friends from back home. I have this stupid thing in my head where I divide my friends between 'before paralysis' and 'after paralysis.' I'm thankful that I still have contact with so many from before. Still have co-workers from the cop shoppe on my facebook as well.

    Most know that I'm having a difficult time right now and want to be alone ... the hardest part was David leaving after 13yrs. I felt so very alone. That was rough back in 2010 or 09. I've recovered well though. I now find myself at a time (age 43) where I don't really have a need or want to meet new people, especially a partner. I'm exhausted of the same inane questions and the effort it takes. Different for me as well because I'm on long-term disability through an employer so taking home 5x the amount that a person on provincial disability would take home for disabled friends ... meaning they can't do a lot. Others can afford to go the casino and shows all the time - I can't keep up with that. Others are married with careers by this point. Most of my walking co-workers work shift work so impossible to meet up unless it's a work function.

    Plan your life with yourself in mind. What will you do to support yourself? Where do you see yourself in two - five years? Working really does cultivate friends, as well as school. Just because you're getting a settlement doesn't mean you're not capable of working and yay you'll be able to afford school! Some of the best schools in Toronto! There are vent dependent quads around here who own their own business, quads who used to work on Wall Street and changed careers (now that's brave) to voice over work. Quads who letter very famous comics. Psychologists - even doctors around here!

    Being alone and doing nothing will cultivate depression. You need to have an outside thing to keep your mind busy and have something to offer with friends, partners etc.

    There's also political policy .. some advocate work needs to be done in Canada. If First Nations don't pay taxes, I don't think the 'catastropic injuries' should either .. we just generally have more costs and receive less than adequate healthcare as compared to normal Canadians. If they have tuition free as well, with a 65% unemployment rate among disabled people - higher education would help them achieve more graduate jobs (desk type) that require a lot of education. Housing is always a never-ending well of need also.
    Yes I'm sure ending relationships especially one that lasted a long time is very difficult for anyone , a disability and it's many implications only exasperates that I'm sure.sounds like you are at a "good place" with that now, but not with everything sorry to hear that, seems like you have friends that are more than willing to hang out with you from what you say but you're choosing to be alone. I don't pretend to know your circumstances but that may not be the best choice, just like you said not seeing people are getting no leads to what they call "depression" *cough*, but if what you say is true you should take advantage of the fact you have friends that would be there. I also think the more time you spend away from them the less likely things will reKindle

    I actually sort of agree about your theory on taxing, it makes a lot of sense the only thing that conflicts me is the fact that we do put demand on society and the economy accessibility,rehabilitation, caregiver organizations , higher frequency with healthcare etc. I actually wanted to talk about the whole insurance thing, but that's another subject. not everyone gets insurance. I myself don't want to collect ODSP or whatever it is,I fell asleep crashed my own car it's my fault society doesn't have to pay for it, I'm always bitching about how easily we hand out welfare in this country.

    In terms of education I don't have time for that, I'm focussed on reversing/ preventing the paralysis rot for one ( failing ) and try to get into a clinical trial ( highly unlikely ) but if I win this lawsuit I need to be ready to go with the plan Im trying to put together. Physiotherapy, as well as vibration plate twice a day and my diet are almost a full-time job. I do study myself on investing,I am also looking at buying a property guys franchise in Thornhill, with my mother ( I buy it, she handles customer service, other than what I can do on my iPad) she owns the district back home with two other people they do well, but the franchisees up here do even better. I'm hoping to set it up so that 10% of our revenue goes to spinal cord injury research ( of my choosing not Rick Hanson Institute!) my mom is close with the guys at corporate she believes that if that gets started most franchises might follow suit so that's exciting.

    The biggest thing is being an actual soldier as in infantry Man is out, a side job in professional fighting, or career as Coast guard, fireman is obviously out those were the dreams, dreams die for everyone from a simple injury to the knee or lack of effort and determination! But even the more realistic options a construction worker, electrician, trades etc even a superintendent are all out, handson jobs in general really. The leaves out hands-on education and more of the "higher"education which is way not for me. I've had some major Head injuries no permanent damage, but learning disorders we're obvious, especially affecting attention dramatically were painfully obvious. I need hands-on education as well as work and of course those are outI do not do well with Jobs that vast majority involves paper, computers or God for bid customer service. I'm constantly reading and studying, but half the time I don't even remember The sentence I just read despite having an above average memory after my psych evaluation or whatever that test was called, i'm trying to force it on myself, it doesn't work for me. Having said that all of this is irrelevant, and will only become relevant if I can live in relative independence and dignity by taking care of myself and at least make a slight majority of my own decisions without having to ask. Gain the function to be able to do something I could actually do efficiently, fits the person I am and at least slightly enjoy. Which is why I'm doing what I'm doing.

    As for hobbies and this and that people constantly say well you haven't tried it so you don't know, but for someone that truly knows themselves that is untrue. I know and knew that rugby is not for me, especially quadriplegic rugby where no matter how much I practice, work I will always be a 1 point , Basically a pylon for low cervical injuries or incomplete injuries that Will actually show great im provement's from practising, That's not sport to me. But it's the only sport that's within my individual disabilities parameters, I looked into and tried the hand cycling of course my goddamn right arm can't sustain anything like that even with the electrical assisted, it's hard to explain but my right shoulder is literally not even in the joint properly,and lacks the stabilizing muscles so after two minutes is in pain which I can tolerate for a time but the grinding and obvious unnatural motions will do damage the upper body FES even gives me trouble. The inability to pronate my right arm also causes major problems for any of these activities that is one of the smallest functions that I put so much effort into recovering with no luck you think pronation doesn't mean anything well I can assure you when it comes to arm and hand function every little Flickr even 2% tricep function is night and day. my life would be very different if I had the same function as my left arm far from truly independent but different for sure. Having said that, again all of this is illrelevant because as it stands with how I am I need someone to help me transfer to and from the bike, wheelchair and help me with various other things throughout the day, caregivers don't come to do that, I can't nor would expect my mom to do that and everything else she already has to do. And I don't have the money to pay for everything plus a DSW to help me with activities and take me out!

    And like you explained I can't really afford to go to concerts/ shows all the time ( which are the best most realistic options for me to do now), although sometimes I usually do when I shouldn't, not a huge sports fan but again too expensive, and I don't really have anyone to go to the bar, restaurant, or movie theatre on a regular basis anyways.

    I'm not making excuses this is the reality, so what I am trying to do, is regain the ability to be able to do these kind of things on my own, be able to do something without having to rely on somebody else because they all have their own schedule can't expect someone to be there on a regular basis or preferably on a daily basis to go for a bike ride together and help me in, hit up the show, go to a restaurant, go to the gym etc. I understand this is hard for a few incompletes/ low cervical or paraplegics understand but you can pretty much handle everything on your own, you just throw yourself in whatever you need to, open your own doors, roll over a few steps, you need to grab something you grab something, drop something you pick it up ( uncountable other examples ) you likely don't run into things were a spasm put you in a position where you can't drive your chair,or worse completely fall out of it like a limp noodle turned into a fish out of water, have a full leg bag you can't drain, have dysreflexia that you can't diagnose or resolve,can't even get to your meds/ tools in your backpack etc etc.

    My cousin and her friend my friend as well, are coming up tomorrow I live in a nice area of Toronto now we're going to go out for lunch, I have my priorities but I always go out any chance I get with a friend, and when it happens I make sure to put everything aside and enjoy it as much as possible and hopefully leave a good impression, so it happens again many of times I have just pretended I was full when really I was starving because I forgot my feeding cuff didn't want them to to feed me, many of times I have pissed my pants had severe dysreflexia, risking damage because I didn't want to ask for my leg bag to get drained and numerous examples of this just so it seems as normal and carefree as possible, so I don't put any burden on them as I said that doesn't sit well with me, but also I hope if everything goes well and it's fun they will comeback want to do it again...

    PS I'm just curious as to how a quadriplegic could be a doctor, how would they even do a physical for one thing. Examine someone body/ problem what do they do say "can you lean over so I can see please" and then try to examine with hands and arms that have no sensation,and fingers that won't open. must greatly affect how many patients they get. Then again I seen C-5s incompletes that function similar to paras, and one that fully recovered walks around like nothing happened. C6-8 almost always have great arm function.
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 05-31-2016 at 03:54 PM. Reason: lots of mistakes, unreadable

  7. #17
    PS I'm just curious as to how a quadriplegic could be a doctor, how would they even do a physical for one thing. Examine someone body/ problem more what do they do can you lean over so I can see please and then try to examine with hands and arms that have no sensation, and fingers that won't open. must greatly affect how many patients they get. Then again I seen C-5s that function similar to quadriplegics, and one that fully recovered walks around like nothing happened. C6-8 almost always have great arm function.
    You might want to read the long thread about Roger's son Brian on the New SCI forum for the story of his journey through medical school and now into practice.

    I know a number of physicians who have tetraplegic SCIs. Certain specialties are probably more attractive to and practical for someone with an injury at this level...for example radiology, or even rehabilitation medicine, but of course the person must go through training in all areas in medical school. Some of these people were already physicians before they had their SCI.

    One of my clients who was a vascular surgeon before his SCI went back to do a residency in internal medicine after his injury. He practiced for a number of years as a primary care physician, and had a nurse practitioner in his office who did most of the physicals and other things that required manual dexterity, but he made all the decisions and recommendations for care, medications, disease management, etc. etc. etc. It can be done if someone is very determined.

    (KLD)

  8. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by SCI-Nurse View Post
    You might want to read the long thread about Roger's son Brian on the New SCI forum for the story of his journey through medical school and now into practice.

    I know a number of physicians who have tetraplegic SCIs. Certain specialties are probably more attractive to and practical for someone with an injury at this level...for example radiology, or even rehabilitation medicine, but of course the person must go through training in all areas in medical school. Some of these people were already physicians before they had their SCI.

    One of my clients who was a vascular surgeon before his SCI went back to do a residency in internal medicine after his injury. He practiced for a number of years as a primary care physician, and had a nurse practitioner in his office who did most of the physicals and other things that required manual dexterity, but he made all the decisions and recommendations for care, medications, disease management, etc. etc. etc. It can be done if someone is very determined.

    (KLD)
    Does he lose his surgeon status? As I said i've seen C-5 function paraplegia, C6sand down no doubt, I just imagine that a certain degree of arm function is necessary to be a doctor of any kind is all. or are there c2s no arm function out they're diagnosing people? I've met a quad he's a fully recovered quadriplegic hands are fine and I couldn't see him getting licensed to be a surgeon with his medical history, not that he'd try to or need to As a writer, and on a medical board he does well, and I think his passion lies else where. was fully paralyzed at frist, mind you he was a NHL player before so his willpower , Determination and exercise knowledge and obviously incomplete diagnosis is what led him to recover. I wasn't in any means undermining it or saying that it was impossible, you provided exactly what I wanted to know The physical work is done by someone else, I assumed as much but just didn't want to say, or that if that was allowed. I would just be curious as to how certain diagnosis would be done, i'm assuming nurse practitioners can't diagnose for example a cancerous growth differentiating between cyst or any of the numerous possibilities, I just wonder if the nurse would give the play-by-play to the doctor and the patient gets the full description haha kind of a funny thought, usually doctors at least in my experience are very calm, collect, and quiet at worst say yeah I'd like you to get that checked out. Radiology, rehabilitation medicine make sense seem like the perfect choicesimaging in general make a lot of senseto be "practical". Spent some time working in the environment, step dad is onenot to mention injured myself way too much, and spend a lot of time with doctors even before my injury. I know nothing don't pretend to and don't care to not even remotely my cuppa tea, I just have a good understanding of patient to Dr. protocol, and how hands on ( in an awful often gross way) the job can be some time only because of unfortunate first-hand experience throughout life.

    becoming a physician in any field ( some more than others obviously ) requires a lot of educational determination for anyone, good work ethic and true passion towards it I would imagine is necessary couldn't see how a big paycheck alone is enough motivation. Wouldnt be a very good doctor anyways if that was the only inclination. Obviously a disability would make more hurdles, to get around. Hope he didn't want to be a surgeon ( I don't like when it becomes impossible for people to get to their goals or follow their truest interests by a simple bump on the spinal cord, in fact I detest it ) nonetheless Good for them.
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 05-27-2016 at 07:59 PM.

  9. #19
    I am lucky in the sense that I was older (44) when I got hurt. My friends have remained with me thru all of the rough times. Now that some have retired, I see them more often than ever. Very grateful in that respect.

  10. #20
    I am just turning 55 and have been crippled since 2007. I have full function but can relate. To JamesMcM. I cannot sit very long which you would think is an excuse because I should be able to just keep busy. My wife has friends and is a busy active person.
    I just live in my own house like a crippled mouse. Too wiped to even type correctly. I have read James posts before and I live in Lillooet about 3 hours from you. I don't even like riding in a car let alone sitting here. But I do end up on the computer most of my day.
    I am a C-7. I have been on here a long time and feel worse than I did early on while I had some hope of being what ever it is when you get old and not Able bodied.
    I am chiming in tonight because this is one off the few places I feel like I may even fit in.
    I don't really have anyone I would call a friend anymore. Other than the dog and my wife who is still putting up with me and worry's about me because of my not normal behaviour.
    My 2 cents the rest seem to be in pain.

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