The guilt, the sickness in my stomach, I have to tell somebody so I'm telling you this. Do not want to, but right now I'm on the edge of the cliff and IM slipping. There are probably another 20 more sentences that I wrote but I can't send it to you sorry

Marcia:

In telling you this because I feel if I didn't, I would not telling the truth. I'm not going to tell you all the diatribes you have heard already or even the ones you haven't.

Writing this to you now because my mental state is pretty similar to what it was when I met you in 87 and the bottom line is I am scared.

***this is where I cut it off ***


Probably will not like to read this but it is still the truth

I took 7200 V standing barefoot in my backyard and still alive, I shouldn't be. Diving headfirst first out of second-story windows, and jumping out third story window's, hopping trains and jumping off of cliffs, well I should be dead time and time again and yet I broke my neck in a freak convolution of events.

Both my parents have passed away and I'm the youngest of the youngest, my parents generation was World War II or World War I. So I really have no family anymore, alone and responsible to no one.

Moved to Florida 40 years ago I have very few friends. I used to have a lot of drinking buddies and I still have a lot of acquaintances.

My dad lived to 88, my grandfather lived to 86 and my uncle lived to 92 so there is a paternal longevity gene in my family.

My dilemma is I don't want to be a 80-year-old quadriplegic depending on someone else to take care of me, I would rather go through the energy of getting dressed and living by myself, then trying to hire someone to help me , it is beyond the my emotional capability.

To cut to the chase I imagine everybody on this board has had some sort of anger issue with spinal cord injury whether it be their own or of a loved one.

Did a lot of drink and drugs soon after breaking my neck yet my rage yet is nothing compared to what I drink now. I've been living with a broken neck for 35 years, and there's one thing I am sure of is I don't want to be a quadriplegic for another 35 years. My behavior, actions and activities only accentuate this attitude.

That damn hamster wheel that goes in my head can logically convince me that I am not worth keeping alive. And is not a emotional knee-jerk reaction it's a very simple function of productivity and resources.

I have no stability, no anchor no guidance nothing except a case of 16-year-old scotch.

Don't know if I can pick myself up off the ground yet again. Thanks for listening.