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Thread: Probably could, but I don't want to do another 35 years

  1. #1
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    Probably could, but I don't want to do another 35 years

    The guilt, the sickness in my stomach, I have to tell somebody so I'm telling you this. Do not want to, but right now I'm on the edge of the cliff and IM slipping. There are probably another 20 more sentences that I wrote but I can't send it to you sorry

    Marcia:

    In telling you this because I feel if I didn't, I would not telling the truth. I'm not going to tell you all the diatribes you have heard already or even the ones you haven't.

    Writing this to you now because my mental state is pretty similar to what it was when I met you in 87 and the bottom line is I am scared.

    ***this is where I cut it off ***


    Probably will not like to read this but it is still the truth

    I took 7200 V standing barefoot in my backyard and still alive, I shouldn't be. Diving headfirst first out of second-story windows, and jumping out third story window's, hopping trains and jumping off of cliffs, well I should be dead time and time again and yet I broke my neck in a freak convolution of events.

    Both my parents have passed away and I'm the youngest of the youngest, my parents generation was World War II or World War I. So I really have no family anymore, alone and responsible to no one.

    Moved to Florida 40 years ago I have very few friends. I used to have a lot of drinking buddies and I still have a lot of acquaintances.

    My dad lived to 88, my grandfather lived to 86 and my uncle lived to 92 so there is a paternal longevity gene in my family.

    My dilemma is I don't want to be a 80-year-old quadriplegic depending on someone else to take care of me, I would rather go through the energy of getting dressed and living by myself, then trying to hire someone to help me , it is beyond the my emotional capability.

    To cut to the chase I imagine everybody on this board has had some sort of anger issue with spinal cord injury whether it be their own or of a loved one.

    Did a lot of drink and drugs soon after breaking my neck yet my rage yet is nothing compared to what I drink now. I've been living with a broken neck for 35 years, and there's one thing I am sure of is I don't want to be a quadriplegic for another 35 years. My behavior, actions and activities only accentuate this attitude.

    That damn hamster wheel that goes in my head can logically convince me that I am not worth keeping alive. And is not a emotional knee-jerk reaction it's a very simple function of productivity and resources.

    I have no stability, no anchor no guidance nothing except a case of 16-year-old scotch.

    Don't know if I can pick myself up off the ground yet again. Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    I assume you were inebriated while writing this?

    It's VERY HARD after 30yrs. You're certainly not alone there.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  3. #3
    In my thoughts, I have no words. Peace.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by lynnifer View Post
    I assume you were inebriated while writing this?

    Do not believe so because I do not like the feeling of being drunk. These emotions, issues and problems have been building for more than a year and are now coming to a critical juncture because I don't get out of bed anymore.

    The weaker I become the more scared I am to do a transfer for fear of falling and breaking another leg. Now the $60,000 question is does this put me in a situation where I can cause harm to myself?

  5. #5
    My best friend insists there is something after and if we hang in there and live life to the fullest and be the best we can be we will be rewarded in the end. At first I did not believe him, now I'm sort of starting to get it, so hang in there and start living again, sounds like you have kind of fallen into a rut.
    "Life is about how you
    respond to not only the
    challenges you're dealt but
    the challenges you seek...If
    you have no goals, no
    mountains to climb, your
    soul dies".~Liz Fordred

  6. #6
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    Cyclical chronic depression. I whine to a board full of people who have it much rougher than I and much better attitudes.

    Write a great many things as a matter of fact, though 90% of them never get out.. Actually posting one and then going back and reading it is cathartic unto itself.

    Even as I wrote the topic, knew that there is only one outcome and that is to press on. The logic of the post can be condensed into "I don't want to". Which is difficult to refute rationally, so life goes on and so will I.

    Curt: on a different note are you telling me there's a higher power and there is good and evil (right and wrong) in the universe as we know it? Is the only cost for this reward is just living life to the fullest?

  7. #7
    Cris, glad you were able to feel comfortable enough to share your thoughts with us and get it off your chest.

  8. #8
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    I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST MY LORD MY SAVIOUR OTHER wise why? chris wher u live in fl I just moved here I understand parts of what u are going thru we all do I a 65 16 years this month

    the pain level is getting worse I don/t know why we need a place to scream

  9. #9
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    Sometimes I need to write.

    My job used to be writing letters and anything that went over my signature block had to go through legal. So when putting forth the effort I can produce cognizant communication.

    Rereading my whiny post realized must've been pretty buzzed as Lynette said.

    My family has always lived on the frontier per se. My brother got in trouble at school for a smartass answer to where he was born when he answered Africa. Straight to the principal's office and then calling my mom who assured him that yes he was born in Morocco.

    Mother was born in Germany, I was born in Alaska and my dad was born outside of Boston. All my grandfathers siblings when to South Africa or New Zealand except for my grandfather who came here in 1904 at the age of 24. So we got the globe pretty well cornered from that generation.

    Was not a military brat my dad just used to "jump ship" to any new job that had never been done before. Unusually good at math and calculus so somehow he got in the guidance systems and we ended up in California for the Apollo program. We had never been to the moon before.

    Then we moved back to outside of Boston for the Apollo Soyuz project, never hooked up with the Russians in space before. stole my first car at 13 and did all those other things that are not mentioned but the judge took into consideration in my sentence if we left state in June versus August. My second arrest at age 14.

    Then we moved to Florida, arrived in Cocoa Beach July 3, 1975. Dad started working on the Trident missile program, (writing the guidance code) then had a stroke and couldn't do anything anymore.

    Luckily he had a radio operators license from World War II that was good for life and became a merchant Marine. He was sitting in Diego Garcia reading the newspaper we found out we had gone to war. So he immediately came home and get a new ship to get hazard pay. When we reflagged the Quati oil tankers in ' 91 international law requires you to have a the Captain, First Engineer and a Radio Operator all citizens of that flag.

    Radio operators were required but in short supply. You actually use a computer to do it this day and age, how many people can do in excess of 60 words per minute Morse code? He took his last ship at 73-year-old only took them to any country have never been to before. It was the best possible rehab he could of had after having the stroke.

    Me and my dad locked horns in Boston when I was 13 (the apple doesn't fall far from the tree) and we never unlocked them and now he has passed away. Now I did apologize to my mother for all the things that I put her through. Now she is gone also.

    When I was 18 I turned down a scholarship and a commission in the Army and my parents kicked me out of house for not going to school. Everybody I went to high school with the exact same thing happened, that?s how you grew up in those days.

    So in 1979 I went to Alaska, my brother was living at the time. Then the snows started to come down the mountain and the only job I could find was at Point Barrow, in the Arctic Circle.

    So six months after I turned down the commission in the Army I enlisted in the Navy. 37 days later I took an honorable discharge, three stripes and travel pay back to Alaska, came back to Florida. Spent my 19th birthday in boot camp.

    Then I bought a motorcycle. A 78 Yamaha three cylinder 750 Sportster with a driveshaft from my next-door neighbor, only had 650 miles on it. The head injury that resulted was supposed to cause all my other injuries but I don?t really think so.

    Blowing off my toes with electricity (7200 V), accidentally driving into an island while waterskiing (I was not driving or skiing at the time), a head-on collision (dropping off driver?s ed teacher?s daughter) with a parked car, dumping my bike at 70 mph (not finding out for a year what happened) and this is all in Florida between 19 and 21.

    Then went to a surfing contest the day before my senior year which I was not even competing in and we decided to get wet before we got into my car to leave, three seconds later life changed.

    Hit the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean and saw stars, floated up facedown past the break. Still had plenty of air but knew I would have to take a breath soon. So I waited for my head to clear and was going to roll over and body surf to shore; it didn?t work.

    Still not panic and clueless to what happened as I felt the swells going past me raised my elbow which rolled me over on my back. Took a few breath while on my back and decided to roll over and swim for shore; still didn?t work.

    There were 20,000 people there for the contest and was put on long board and brought to the beach then transferred to a four-wheel-drive rescue vehicle which took me to the parking lot and transferred me to an ambulance.

    Don?t want to write about my initial hospital experience, maybe I?ll do it later.

    The things we did while we were in rehab from heavy partying, the nurse and I going out to accessible van and getting on the couch, my college buddies picking me up and taking me out to places, breaking my neck did not change me that much. Still have two buddies I talk to at least six times a year.

    Was discharged from rehab in February1983 and was back in the dorm in August. The first week after discharge I got dropped off at the public library reference section and research spinal cord injuries. After spending about eight hours reading periodicals came to the conclusion that there was not going to be a cure in my lifetime.

    Should I continue from 21 to 55?

  10. #10
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    By the Way:

    Was born in Alaska, then lived in California, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, North Carolina, Guam, Philippines, Germany, Massachusetts, California, Massachusetts, then down to Florida when I was 14.

    And my brother started about six years earlier in Africa. Changed to a lot of different schools.

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