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    Just can't stand it

    Apparently once you become crippled badly enough to leave you completely bound to a wheelchair dependent on caregiver; you don't have the right to get in and out of bed when you want! Apparently if once in a blue moon you're allowed to stay up till 3 AM to do something "fun" you are being privileged , You're supposed to count your sweet blessings; and bass in the generosity of the person that allowed you to do this. Apparently if you need to calm your hair, get the gel handed to you, as well as your toothbrush, as well as your flosser , Then followed by your sweater call the supplements and breakfast etc. apparently you have to break it up in sections, at best you'll get the standard morning procedure if you wanted to do something out of the ordinary or add a new procedure to your daily schedule such as a rigourous diet, or a hair treatment you don't have the right, you may or may not be humoured with it once in a while but don't expect it every day, even if it is necessary to do it every day! apparently when you're crippled at 4 o'clock in the morning, if you're in agony, and you're not tired at all, and you're angry as hell you have no choice you have to sit in bed you don't have the right to get up and go for a walk or a roll in this case, it's 4 AM it doesn't matter that you're an individual that's in pain and not tired and frankly frustrated beyond imagining about being trapped. Like I get it kickboxing is gone, snowmobiling is gone, weightlifting is gone, bodybuilding is gone running is gone, even proper video gaming is gone (oh I spend the money and I tried) The list goes on, but now every day I am dictated on bedtime/ waking schedule permantly. Many of times at my fathers house I laid thirsty till the fucking end of an entire night, with water in arms reach away but unable to reach two arms to grab it so I stayed thirsty until someone woke up in the morning and hopefully walked by. Here I am about 5 o'clock in the morning, couldn't sleep couldn't stand sitting in the bed so after a lot of arguing I bitched and bitched just because I had enough I feel I should have a right I should have fucking choice! and now I'm out of the bed, but as a repercussion I'm not able to go back in bed. Well this is happening I am being preached about civil rights and Breaktime, off shift blah blah guess after a serious enough disability a lot of those rights go out the window. Just keep em for the ABs tho.


    Mindnumbing fact this weather it's my father, my mother, my friend, or nurse it's always the same thing I can't do this constantly, I need a break as they constantly walk in and out in and out in and out in and out, taking showers, scratching their ass using the toilet completely unaware of every little blessing every luxury of the human body worth more than $1 billion. When you pointed out to him what they have, you face nothing but defence of backlash, oh yeah I have to sit here and look after you as if they're sitting stuck in one position all day! Nothing could be farther from the truth, yes they do provide me with caregiving but nothing is written in stone nothing has to be done! Nothing is stopping them they are making a conscious willing choice to help me that is a luxury in itself and they are so ignorant to true suffering they don't realize it. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but true suffering is when there is no choice,A disease or disability dictate most of your life most of your decisions what you can and can't do, There's no choice the best you can do is adapt and live without it, work around often with slim pickings they have to be picked up by someone else before you get your get your share.

    I know I'm a violent individual, I deeply want to hurt those that hide behind weapons or pray on the weak a dexter complex. If I ever got the upper hand, it would probably take everything in me not to kill them. Don't have to worry about that now! I know I'm a serious and often miserable individual, I'm not bubbly I'm not optimistic, I see harsh realities and don't pretend they're not there! In fact the thought of me being bubbly turns my stomach, being affectionate makes me uncomfortable! But I am who I am, and truth be told I love myself I wouldn't have it any other way because it's the kind of mentality that's the only way to achieve what I wanted to achieve! At this time I should say I loved myself.

    Physical ability as well as appeal mean everything to me! Ever since my disability because I don't try to paint with my mouth, I am choosing to be miserable apparently! Apparently after a severe disability you no longer have the luxury of being an individual. Apparently you're just supposed to enjoy what remains despite your disability! What here's a hard fact everyone tries to avoid if the injury is bad enough, depending on the individual they can literally lost everything they truly enjoy doing, everything they are passionate about. Often told I'm not trying because I don't go out to dinner with my mom and her boyfriend, well I genuinely don't enjoy spending too much time with them, in fact I've never enjoyed going out to dinner unless it was with an attractive female I planned on sleeping with. I was once told why don't you just take a taxi and go check out Walmart by my father, once I explained how stupid that was I was just disregarded as being miserable without trying. Well I have a question, why are none of these people spending mass amount their time drawing pictures, check it out Walmart, reading, writing etc. because they don't enjoy it, it would be like peeling paint for them their brain would never literally reject it and nothing productive would be done Best zombie mode autopilot would be activated. So basically just because able-bodied people have all the choices in the world on what they choose to do, I'm miserable because I don't do the small amount of things that I could do on a regular basis despite the fact that I genuinely don't enjoy any of them! The few that I can tolerate, I don't mind them like say watching/ going to movies, reading, playing apps etc. Funds permitting I do them to death, I don't much like quadriplegic physiotherapy but I wish I could do more it's just too expensive. Nonetheless none of these things that I just do because they're the only options fill me with genuine enjoyment, contribute to making me have a good day or making me less miserable or taking my mind off the fact that I am about to ask for assistance yet again, it doesn't justify the later because I get nothing out of it. wellllll sorry art, or even rugby the quadriplegic equivalent etc aren't my thing, that's just the way it is. It's no different than the fact when my friend got a gun pulled on him ( ende up being sake but we didn't know that truly), I was the only one that stood by him everyone Else ran just who I am.

    Frankly I'm getting sick of able-bodied people complaining about their trivial problems in the sense that they are temporary, it's not permanent with time or with effort it'll pass. I don't even see that kind of thing is a real problem anymore, and comparison to some of the people I've seen like myself or worse it isn't. I'm sick of being at people's mercy, I'm sick of being a victim in need of saving every day that's just the way it is until I find someway to stimulate my cord that's what it is. I just want to be able to utilize my own determination, resilience and strength to find a way to work with this injury and in time away to treat it. But instead I have to just lay around and rely on other people, utterly trapped and helpless no matter if I am optimistic or pessimistic that's the way it is, no one shows up I stay right where I am and they can all ways use that against me and there is nothing I can do about it, bye do about the point where they want to leave I'm fully willing to starve, rot rather than fucking baggive them their way right or wrong just because they're the able-bodied...

    Every injury impact differently the pending on the vertebrae damaged, after that the severity of the trauma/timing of surgery/many other factors in the first 36 hours ends up with or without different function based on severity. And after that everyone's body reacts differently, sum end up with no nerve pain , And flaccid paralysis with others are being constantly burned alive invisibly and have to choke back pills and tie themselves down just to remain in one position, others end up with a bladder with no pressure no problems, others end up with an excruciatingly high-pressure bladder that increases care given and causes chronic infections, just to name a few examples. After that something all of us never really touch base on so let say you take to C4 injuries both completes one has always been a computer enthusiasts that's his passion, the other was on his way of professional motocross of some kind. All things said and done the athlete loses more, as he can't pursue his passion even remotely,The computer Guy can pick right back up with his computers, a little more difficult but he still can at least flirt with his passion somewhat. When I think of this I think of the 22-year-old professional rugby player, ended this life or the end of million-dollar baby! And it's relevant to my situation because I got this annoying in complete injury preaching at me, like talk about the betas revenge haha it's not that his injury is less severe, that he does most of his care on his own that's part of it, but he is a massive film enthusiasts that's all he did before his accident, and that's what he does after it! I understand many people aren't as lucky, and move on and find something else even still, I'm just sick of people thinking they know what's best for others just because of the disability; and at the same time completely disregarding their individuality! Haha TVs frozen, cannot remotely reach the changer and I guess my body has to P now, going severely dysreflexia I'm not waking anybody up it's not worth it not remotely that's gimp life got to pick your battles I guess forget rights, you think you have rights because you get a ramp everywhere. must be nice to be a lower less severeinjury straight up if that's the only thing holding you back in terms of entrapment your golden... OK pathetic rant over, this help me calm down because truth be told if I could've moved either myself or the person pissing me off would've been in serious shit, nothing wrong with a fistfight to settle things nobody will hit me anymore though for fuck sakes, I digress
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 05-03-2016 at 07:11 AM.

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