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  1. #1

    Friend's death

    A good friend of mine died this summer after a torturous year with liver cancer. We both live in the same small town and were similar in being quads and being hurt at 16 back in 1978 for me and 1979 for him. We both survived our yahoo teens and twenties and both became happily married. His name was Wes and I miss having him around. I am getting used to fellow gimper friends passing away and in Wes's case quality of life at the end was shit so I'm OK with him passing. the thing that bothers me is at his funeral service they passed out a hockey card showing him before he got hurt 36 years ago. This able bodied picture of him was not who he was or had been for a very long time. Some how it made him less than who he truly was, not acknowledging what he had since his injury. Does this make sense cause it has been stuck in my craw for the last 3 months. thanx Bruce

  2. #2
    Senior Member Sarafino's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2010
    SW Colorado---chair user from nerve disorder
    Yeah, that would bug me too. It's like the 'real' version of your friend died when he got injured, to his family at least. My family is like that a little, being around me creeps them out I think, they would rather remember how I used to be.

  3. #3
    Yes I agree with what was said above. A lot of a/b's have fear of disabled because they are afraid of disability in themselves and his family seeing him as a/b in the picture probably somehow soothed their suffering. Like you said though, not right. It's like they were afraid of insulting his memory with being disabled.
    "Life is about how you
    respond to not only the
    challenges you're dealt but
    the challenges you seek...If
    you have no goals, no
    mountains to climb, your
    soul dies".~Liz Fordred

  4. #4
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    I not see it either way. I look at this as something he had achieved injured or not. I not saying cannot achieve things being injured, but injured compared to non-injured is completely different no matter how long ago change may have taken place. People can still achieve same or different. In addition to the physical aspect of this, which is fairly visible via eyesight, there is a mental component that I think truly only the person in the situation can even come close to describing. There is no way anyone else actually understands this, unless it is the person themselves. I myself think it is completely impossible for me to describe this. I could try that for the rest of my life and still not be done.

  5. #5
    I agree it was probably somewhat disrespectful. Given that he had a terminal disease for some time, did he not have a lot of input into the planning of his memorial? Do you know if he chose this card to represent himself or if someone else did who did not get his input into this? Having a card with a montage of photos of him at different stages of his life probably would have been better at honoring his entire life; but I would want to know if his wishes had been taken into account in this area before judging someone else for doing this.


  6. #6
    There was a wonderful montage of his life including his trip to Maui where he and his wife stayed with us. The hockey cards were handed out to everyone as we entered the service so it was planned. But it wasn't the Wes I knew who loved his cars, sports and his smoke. Thank you perspective as this conversation will help me get over this annoying issue. Aloha Bruce

  7. #7
    Maybe if you are in contact with his family at all you should question it in a tactful way, maybe it was his idea while he was still alive thinking about how he wanted things as KLD said, I did not even think of that.
    "Life is about how you
    respond to not only the
    challenges you're dealt but
    the challenges you seek...If
    you have no goals, no
    mountains to climb, your
    soul dies".~Liz Fordred

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