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Thread: When did *I* become the wimpy patient? (rant)

  1. #1
    Senior Member grommet's Avatar
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    When did *I* become the wimpy patient? (rant)

    Just back from seeing the doctor and having some x-rays, will be having an ultrasound in a few weeks. What I can't figure is, why am I scared?

    I thought I was the battle hardened patient. Stick anything you want in me, take anything out. I've been through so much I really thought I was used to anything. But maybe it's been too long since I was in the rotation and lost my skills because I was scared today.

    Doctor doesn't like it that I am peeing blood. She says not to worry but she wants to check some things out.

    I've always felt like the one person in the waiting room who couldn't be surprised by anything and had seen it all. Tryand impress me. Puleeze. I remember all the drugs, tried a ton. Even that lovely Bextra that I didn't like and was taken off the market a few months later because it was killing people. Feldene, Flexeril, amyltryptaline, Neurontin just to start the list. Giant enemas, caths, lotions potions and heck there may have been an incantation or two. Naked in front of groups of interns and every specialist. None of this bothered me. Just used to it. Lifew was life. But am I out of practice because today scared me pretty good.

    She says my bloodwork is excellent but .. she doesn't like the blood in my pee. She has kidney questions and a few others. Why do I care? What could I possibly be afraid of? In the past more than half the time I did wish it was something serious, fuck it. But now it's like I lift my head up more, I notice the sky, the clouds. Am I enjoying life now and not buried in depression that so wonderfully insulated me against anything? It does you know. So do I care now?

    20 years using a chair (not SCI) and it was just this last year that I finally accepted it. It just was suddenly fine. I saw the rest of my life with a chair and it didn't even seem worth a thought. Did that change bring with it something else, like I am no longer buried inside myself and now I do want to live and do everything I've forgotten about for so long? Geez, does this mean that from now on I do care what the doctor says and, what the test means? I kind of liked the not caring but then again ..

    I guess this stuff doesn't get easy. You get what you want and it comes with it's own surprises. I was so mad that I stopped caring about anything, myself most of all. Then I felt better about all of it and suddenly I really do care about what's happening. Geez psyche, make up your mind.

  2. #2
    Senior Member pfcs49's Avatar
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    Very great post.
    I think you're in a wonderful place.
    Congratulations-may you operate out of abundance and your life be extraordinary!

  3. #3
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    Damn good post! Thanks, for sharing Grom.
    Good luck and remember everyone here is behind you.
    Rollin' since '89. Complete C8

  4. #4
    I'd be scared too and I've been through a long list of nasty stuff. I don't think it gets easy.
    I have had periodic paralysis all my life. I lost my ability to walk in 2011 beginning with a spinal block, which was used for a hip fracture caused by periodic paralysis.

  5. #5
    Peeing blood sounds like UTI or STONES somewhere either in kidney or bladder, i'm no expert though only have had 6 years in the chair! Good luck i feel the same way most of the time. Hope it is nothing serious.
    T6 Incomplete due to a Spinal cord infarction July 2009

  6. #6
    Senior Member marvin_cr's Avatar
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    I have been in the chair now for 36 yrs now. I have seen just about everything that can go wrong. I always think of this Matrix Revolutions quote, and personally it's how i feel.
    "If it's our time to die, it's our time. All I ask is, if we have to give these bastards are lives...WE GIVE 'EM HELL BEFORE WE DO"

  7. #7
    Senior Member grommet's Avatar
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    Sorry for not being in touch, things have been busy.

    I'm scared. I don't remember the last time I was this scared. I feel like if it wasn't for my partner .. I can't say here what but I think you can imagine. My deal with God, if you want my ass come and take it and if this turns out to be nothing then I get to feel stupid for being scared but I'll be okay and I can live with that. Next test is this Saturday. I've made friends with pain but I don't have as good a relationship with fear. I guess I need to stare that fucker in the face. I wonder if he's just doing his job. Maybe it's nothing person ;-)

    By the way, I'm sober (no pills) while I write this. That's how freaked out I am - I am acting crazy while I'm sober. My sweetie and I just got back from shopping. Got me lots of feel good food. I'm eating junk until I feel better. She seems to agree this is a good idea, she says taking care of yourself isn't only about nutrition. She's smarter than I am and better looking so I am damn lucky.

    Anyway, sorry for the nonsense and thank you for listening. I'm just fuckin' scared and acting like it.

  8. #8
    So sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time. I'm glad you've got someone in your life who is there with you.

  9. #9
    Senior Member pfcs49's Avatar
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    Yes, It's so good you have your sweetie to endure this with.
    This too shall pass-and I believe it will get better.
    You're sober, you're taking care of yourself, and you're in good company.
    Good luck and keep us posted.

  10. #10
    Hey Grommet, you have friends here who care. Talk it out. You might get an idea worth bouncing around with the medicos.
    I have had periodic paralysis all my life. I lost my ability to walk in 2011 beginning with a spinal block, which was used for a hip fracture caused by periodic paralysis.

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