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Thread: Can't deal with the hurt and upset anymore

  1. #1

    Can't deal with the hurt and upset anymore

    I just want to vent if I may, please.

    Everyday same old shit, wakeup in agony, wait for the pills to kick in, finger my ass for 2 hours over the toilet, hot shower that I can only feel on my head, face, arms and shoulders.

    Half the day gone, more pills.

    Lethargic and exhaustion from pills, stare blankly and do meaningless tasks for a few hours, before I'm in pain and waiting to take more pills, which make me sick.

    Then back to bed reflecting on how tomorrow will be different - every night thinking I'll do tomorrow differently, try to indulge in some hobby, go out, exercise, integrate with lost friends and family. Every night.

    Next morning, same old bullshit.

    I can probably deal with the physical pain sometimes, but the mental and emotional exhaustion make me want to scream. I do little tasks everyday to keep myself busy. Try learning my guitar or something alike that I loved to do.

    Everyday I'm just waiting for things to get better - I'm not talking about walking, I'm past that. But just to have everything organised in my room, throw out old stuff, eBay it, just do something productive that puts me in a better position to fucking move on with the rest of the world, go back to studying at school, get back to my old job.

    But on top of this is the looming fear and danger of further neurological decline to my arms due to this cyst/syringomyelia, to which isn't even sorted despite having another operation.

    I have an appointment regarding this cyst tomorrow, I've had an MRI and tomorrow is the moment of truth. Either the shunt procedure has drained it, or I'm shafted and need another surgery.

    I don't know why I'm posting this here - probably because every councellor/support worker I've spoken to keep recycling the same clich?d bullshit around the room like dungle beatles, that I had a euphoric moment last night to perhaps speak to you guys at CareCure, and I know there are lovely people here and can share some tips or philosophical views that make this thing that little bit easier - or just straight up tell me to suck it up

    My love goes out to all you guys, I'm sorry if this is meaningless or inappropriate.


  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    hang in there. the best advice i ever got was to take it a day at a time. (and i'm not saying it can always be done.) your not alone in your struggles, if that is any help. best wishes.

  3. #3
    As far as your bowels go – I was having a similar experience but it was taking even longer. I opted for colostomy and it very much improved my quality of life. It isn't for everyone but it is something to consider. Good luck!

  4. #4
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Windsor ON Canada

    First things first. Your syrinx is your first priority. That needs your full and prompt attention. Organizing your room, school, work - these things will have to wait. They aren't cancelled, they're just delayed for a year or so.

    Many are in the same position ... hundreds, thousands of others who just don't have access or post on CareCure.

    Syrinx first. Then you can work on other things ... but you can't do anything if you're worried/unknown about your health status. Not your fault.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  5. #5
    So sorry to hear you are in a funk. Vent away, this is the place!

  6. #6
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Whately, MA United States
    Blog Entries
    taymas, it sounds like you are a T2 or 3. I'm T3, and I agree that you need to deal with the syrinx, but that will not take up any of your day. I take 50mg of Tramadol 3 times a day, it does not get rid of my pain, but takes the edge off so that I can mostly ignore it as long as I stay busy. My bowel care takes a bit less than 2 hours but I do it before bed, and it includes flossing & brushing and the shower afterward. I try to stay over the toilet for 30 minutes or less, and I find that I can do that by starting out with an Enemeez, Do a couple of dige stims, and shoot in a half bottle of warm water from a re-used Fleet bottle to speed things up. another couple of stims, repeat with the rest of the warm water, and call it good. Shower, and off to bed.

    I started college 10 month post injury and have been going ever since. I get up and head off to school. If no school, I work on the department web page, my master's project, do some research, or screw around with online games, CareCure, FB, or puzzles. I take a break from the computer every hour or so and go outdoors if the weather is nice, have a snack, or do a bit of Theraband stretching or dumbbell lifting.

    Make a new life for yourself and then live it - the old one is gone...
    Don - Grad Student Emeritus
    T3 ASIA A 26 years post injury

  7. #7
    Taymas , Seriously you sound exactly like my situation a couple of years ago . A syrinx , bowel program that put me suicidal . I ended up with cord decompression , fixed the syrinx , also opted for a colostomy to end bowel program . Two difficult choices , but well worth it . Got part of my life back , better quality , outlook on life . Your other problems are still there , but you have a few things you can do to help yourself . Can not emphasize the colostomy enough , a life changer for me . O.K. good luck .

  8. #8
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    New Jersey
    Blog Entries
    Except for the sci level, and source of damage, and a few misery add-ons, I could have written this.

  9. #9
    The f***ing "nerve pain" is killing me. My butt stings bad in the morning and the longer I sit in my chair the worse it gets. Come 3pm It's driving me insane. Then every other day or so my stomach is all pins and needles and ANY movement even talking or eating makes the pain explode and I end up just starting at my computer trying to keep my mind busy and after supper it hurts so bad I can't even brush my teeth. I so wish to have a social life but the pain keeps me for doing anything fun. This f***ing nerve pain makes for a useful life. end of rant.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    New Jersey
    Blog Entries
    Colostomy:: maybe a lateral move.

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