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Thread: Ever feel like giving up? This life isn't easy...

  1. #21
    Quote Originally Posted by crash86 View Post
    Your a REAL PIECE OF WORK JAMESMcM!!!!!
    James' honesty is refreshing. Sure beats the hell out of hearing how a life with SCI is all rainbows, butterflies and puppy dog tails if only you'll "accept it". Fuck that.


  2. #22
    JamesMcM,
    I agree with everything you said. You are 100% right. But what you are not getting is. You can't be content with your life unless you accept your misfortunes. We all have been dealt a bad hand. Some worse then others. And you're right. Yours is worse then most. I'm a c6-7, and I know I have it much easier then you. And I use to think a lot like you do now. But then I figured out nothing is going to change unless I change my attitude and thinking.
    I see your point on feeling degraded. But you need to rewire your thinking on that. You're not going through this because you are lazy, but to survive. Plus you have a value for the CNA'S that help you. They have a job because of your condition. And you can survive because of them, Two way street. I know it might sound stupid. But if you rewire your thinking on what value you have in your life, maybe you can become content with it.

  3. #23
    Senior Member Imight's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    Yes iam, but technically forcefully. I made my choice, but they let societies generalized fear prevent that. So here I am waiting for a settlement (that I may leave behind, if it comes to it), trying to look into clinical trials and treatments. In my families house where I will not let them watch me rot. Well technically you are sugarcoating, because you're making false statement, when the actual more likely outcome is a harsh one.
    until proven, its a true statement.

    listen Im not here to sugar coat shit. My life was fucking AWESOME before my injury. I lived in Hollywood and lived that life, clubs on sunset blvd, lots of girls, cool car, nice house blah blah. I almost 'committed that' back in 08', about 8 pills in, I thought, nah I still havent seen and done some things. Plus Im not that weak, mind is too strong to give in, I think even if I were a quad I just couldnt go out like that. Im more of guns blazing type, it better be cancer or something I can't prevent, if its something I can stop, I'm going to fight.

    I sulk all the time. but I also just brush that shit over.

    para vs quad, listen, you have it worse, but Im no ab, someone always has it worse, you act like I dont have my fair share of bullshit. the fact that im indep and more out there means I go through more shit. Just last month, I had an bowel accident in Macau, you think I could tell my friends? had a caregiver to help? man I had to find a bathroom, slip out dirty boxers, clean myself up fast as possible, wrap those boxers in towlet paper, clean my shoes, all that shit, BY MYSELF, then act like nothing happened, that shit pretty much drained all my energy, now dinner is over and its time to wheel. we got to the casino and when the time was right, wheel my ass about another 6 blocks down on stones, get to the my hotel room, shower myself, jump back in new clothes and head BACK to the venue, I lied and said I forgot my camera battery. I was fucking exhausted, emotionally drained, cursing my spinal cord, all that shit. Plus I have spasticity so the whole time, Im fighting my own body, I couldnt even relax in the shower. Fighting my own body for 5 hours is not my idea of fun.

    On the way back, I left a day before everyone else, so I was solo, I had to take a ferry which of course wasnt accessible, so Im out there trying to jump steel door lip about 4-5 inches high, in the process I fall backwards, now I got the whole ferry screaming in fear, Im ok of course, Im hardened, but the look on their faces was like a 90 year old woman fell off the ship, now Ive got 3 chinese lifting me up causing a huge mess. Meanwhile you're talking about the embarrassments in the comfort of your own fucking home. You make a mess, you're not wheeling 6 blocks, you're not changing your own clothes, its actually easier to have someone do it for you. Im not saying I want that, but dont fucking insult me talkin about the shit is easy muthafucka, cause no its not. My shoulders are fucking blown, and life is hard as fuck, because I CHOSE to make it hard. I was actually a T1 complete my first 6 months and was bed ridden due to a fractured elbow that needed 2 surgeries, and altho my independence was gone, it wasnt physically demanding. I bought a ps3, smoked weed, dropped vicodins, sipped vodka and chilled in bed for 6 months, that shit wasnt hard. wasnt even boring, I had a library of netflix, surfed the net all day. shit was aite.

    Try being stranded in Bangkok, with luggage, and no one wanting to stop for you cause you're in a chair. so now you're wheeling in the rain with luggage on your lap in a non accessible city, jumping curbs and wheeling on the street, no side walk, until finally a taxi pulls over and snags you. then you get to your hotel only to find out the ramp is damn near 90 degrees. my triceps look like shoe horns now. these are the type of days that can really make you want to cry, feeling sorry for myself wheeling around on the street all, luggage keeps falling off my lap in the middle of the night. technically Im a broken cat, the wolves can come and pick me off at any moment, all because no one wanted to give a cripple a ride. I go out all the time, and get stares every day, Im always going to be that one wheelchair dude, I put myself out there all the time to be a gimp, weirdo etc. you think I like that shit? me of all people? I used to be hollywood, now Im 'that' guy. fuck no i dont. you think people are like 'well at least you're a para" fuck no, they're like damn, wtf. what happened to him, holy shit wtf its a cripple.

    thing is, I got over it and I just dont give a fuck anymore. I chose to continue living, so Im going to deal with it best I can. crying aint gonna fix shit, it might help relieve some stress, but that shit aint gonna make me walk, when I wake up I gotta transfer my ass back into the chair.

    deal with it. no wait, you already are.
    Last edited by Imight; 03-12-2015 at 03:29 AM.

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Imight View Post
    thing is, I got over it and I just dont give a fuck anymore. I chose to continue living, so Im going to deal with it best I can. crying aint gonna fix shit, it might help relieve some stress, but that shit aint gonna make me walk, when I wake up I gotta transfer my ass back into the chair.
    This is the hardest part. Staring at the ceiling in the morning and mustering up the mindset to give SCI the finger one more day and getting back into the chair. It's just a matter of keeping the wheels rolling after that.

  5. #25
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    This:
    Quote Originally Posted by Tman9513 View Post
    This is the hardest part. Staring at the ceiling in the morning and mustering up the mindset to give SCI the finger one more day and getting back into the chair. It's just a matter of keeping the wheels rolling after that.
    Kyle - It helps to have a reason to get out of bed each day, school, work or some other pursuit.
    "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and other people may not be able to tell the difference."

  6. #26
    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    Everyone with an SCI is a victim Jim, if you think getting in a chair playing quad rugby etc changes that you are fooling yourself.

    Being a para is a walk in the park, a literal joke compared to C5 and up especially complete injuries. Because they have the ability (among many other things but mainly) to take care of themselves. It's pretty disturbing and sad to pick your own ass, but to have others do it, for me crosses the line of humiliation and moves too cowardly. We get picked up out of bed, dressed and washed by others, every time I have to eat someone places a bib and a food cuff on me, with a little roll in cripple table and I "eat myself" they use to say good job, that ended quick, there is nothing to be accomplished in something so pathetic. These arnt limitations iam putting on myself, they are the reality of my injury. And I will not "accept" that as life, and no one should or should have too. Op has his own reasons I'm sure but same thing reality of his situation.

    If I was a para even T1, even an incomplete Asia C quad, it would be all too simple for me to talk like you, I wouldn't because I don't support this kind of garbage. But I could stomach being a para, fact that's the recovery I'm hoping for first after treatment.

    Big problem with SCI is you have some dork that has hand and arm function, ability to feel his dick and get off, piss, shit anything and everything in between. Then they preach to some poor bastard sipping through a straw. Preach all you want, but the problem is when you don't realize the audacity in making bullshit statements. Everyone's got shit behind closed doors, most importantly everyone interprets this different (not deal, who cares about dealing I really mean interpret some right away realize there is no dignified quality of life with something as serious as SCI, others are different, some will accept, give in, change, others feel strongly about their perspective) I've said that a million times. So personal experience and crap motivational statements you heard from rehab doesn't do nearly as much as facts and statistics. And God willing positive clinical trial results.
    Just look at Christopher Reeve. He was our voice in the SCI community. C1/C2 injury?

    Look at Steven Hawking. His disability is far worse than a quad.

    Look at Nick Vujicic who was born with no arms or legs. He has traveled all over the world and got married several years ago.

    Look at the 18 year old Marines who went to war and two weeks later came home in a body bag.

    So what are you complaining about? Get off your ass and do something with the life you have left. I'm C6 for 28 years and damn it, "Life is good!"

    I married too. I met my spouse in the least of places, Beijing Capital International Airport, Beijing, China. Go figure! I ended up taking her home with me. The sex organ is between your two ears not between your two legs.

    What fuentejps said, "@ OP, its not easy but can be great though. many of us here were hurt young and were/are successful in spite of sci. as for finding a life partner, sci isn't stopping that you are!" Is absolutely correct. Words of wisdom.

    Listen to Michael Jackson's, "Man in the Mirror." Quote, "If you want to make a change take a look at yourself and make a change."

    I have more to say about this topic. I still writing it. I work too and that takes up a lot of my time to be on this site.

    Ti
    "We must overcome difficulties rather than being overcome by difficulties."

  7. #27
    Quote Originally Posted by Imight View Post
    until proven, its a true statement.

    listen Im not here to sugar coat shit. My life was fucking AWESOME before my injury. I lived in Hollywood and lived that life, clubs on sunset blvd, lots of girls, cool car, nice house blah blah. I almost 'committed that' back in 08', about 8 pills in, I thought, nah I still havent seen and done some things. Plus Im not that weak, mind is too strong to give in, I think even if I were a quad I just couldnt go out like that. Im more of guns blazing type, it better be cancer or something I can't prevent, if its something I can stop, I'm going to fight.

    I sulk all the time. but I also just brush that shit over.

    para vs quad, listen, you have it worse, but Im no ab, someone always has it worse, you act like I dont have my fair share of bullshit. the fact that im indep and more out there means I go through more shit. Just last month, I had an bowel accident in Macau, you think I could tell my friends? had a caregiver to help? man I had to find a bathroom, slip out dirty boxers, clean myself up fast as possible, wrap those boxers in towlet paper, clean my shoes, all that shit, BY MYSELF, then act like nothing happened, that shit pretty much drained all my energy, now dinner is over and its time to wheel. we got to the casino and when the time was right, wheel my ass about another 6 blocks down on stones, get to the my hotel room, shower myself, jump back in new clothes and head BACK to the venue, I lied and said I forgot my camera battery. I was fucking exhausted, emotionally drained, cursing my spinal cord, all that shit. Plus I have spasticity so the whole time, Im fighting my own body, I couldnt even relax in the shower. Fighting my own body for 5 hours is not my idea of fun.

    On the way back, I left a day before everyone else, so I was solo, I had to take a ferry which of course wasnt accessible, so Im out there trying to jump steel door lip about 4-5 inches high, in the process I fall backwards, now I got the whole ferry screaming in fear, Im ok of course, Im hardened, but the look on their faces was like a 90 year old woman fell off the ship, now Ive got 3 chinese lifting me up causing a huge mess. Meanwhile you're talking about the embarrassments in the comfort of your own fucking home. You make a mess, you're not wheeling 6 blocks, you're not changing your own clothes, its actually easier to have someone do it for you. Im not saying I want that, but dont fucking insult me talkin about the shit is easy muthafucka, cause no its not. My shoulders are fucking blown, and life is hard as fuck, because I CHOSE to make it hard. I was actually a T1 complete my first 6 months and was bed ridden due to a fractured elbow that needed 2 surgeries, and altho my independence was gone, it wasnt physically demanding. I bought a ps3, smoked weed, dropped vicodins, sipped vodka and chilled in bed for 6 months, that shit wasnt hard. wasnt even boring, I had a library of netflix, surfed the net all day. shit was aite.

    Try being stranded in Bangkok, with luggage, and no one wanting to stop for you cause you're in a chair. so now you're wheeling in the rain with luggage on your lap in a non accessible city, jumping curbs and wheeling on the street, no side walk, until finally a taxi pulls over and snags you. then you get to your hotel only to find out the ramp is damn near 90 degrees. my triceps look like shoe horns now. these are the type of days that can really make you want to cry, feeling sorry for myself wheeling around on the street all, luggage keeps falling off my lap in the middle of the night. technically Im a broken cat, the wolves can come and pick me off at any moment, all because no one wanted to give a cripple a ride. I go out all the time, and get stares every day, Im always going to be that one wheelchair dude, I put myself out there all the time to be a gimp, weirdo etc. you think I like that shit? me of all people? I used to be hollywood, now Im 'that' guy. fuck no i dont. you think people are like 'well at least you're a para" fuck no, they're like damn, wtf. what happened to him, holy shit wtf its a cripple.

    thing is, I got over it and I just dont give a fuck anymore. I chose to continue living, so Im going to deal with it best I can. crying aint gonna fix shit, it might help relieve some stress, but that shit aint gonna make me walk, when I wake up I gotta transfer my ass back into the chair.

    deal with it. no wait, you already are.
    Never once said it's easy, SCI is a abysmal tragedy no matter what level, beyond words. Just being a high quadriplegic is substantially worse than being a paraplegic. You can't make statements like that because you don't have the slightest idea what it's like being a quad, but I do get a pretty good perespective on what it is to be a para, and despite what you think I go out as often as possible and have dealt with my fair share of public embarrassment. I would cut my legs off to have what you have, I do far more than that actually everything you just described would be a dream compared to what I have now. You know what "motherfucka" you should be beyond thankful for everything you just described, especially that story about hiding from your friends, i've gone out with my friends in a really bad accident one time, tried to hide it (thinking maybe my mom will drive here to help 2hour drive) The smell was so bad, and started seeping over my chair. Boys said man we have to help you, and I had NO CHOICE, NOT THE FAINTEST OTHER OPTION but to have my best friends change me like a fucking infant. These are 22 year old guys that don't have the faintest idea of what they're doing or what they're getting themselves into. Now that's something they'll remember forever, how they'll look at me, I'll never forget it, that happened because I decided to try and live a little in terms of getting out, actually out of my town. Then you come at me with a story about changing yourself, having a shower hiding it from your friends, at least you were able to have a shower, not only that shower by yourself. imagine being wiped with whatever towels and papers your friends can fine, others have to get involved to help because you just won't stop shitting, oh yeah I got really bad spasms too, head to toe so my entire body is kicking and squirming around well they are trying to help me. You haven't fought back tears until something like that has happened, cause the boys are watching, already in enough shame, but you can't do a fucking thing to help other then just sit there. Even the people that weren't in the room helping, now know going on, and you can bet your ass it's going to be talked about. Also there's no going out after that, you smell you feel dirty, your moral principles are completely distraught, can't even sleep like that.

    Had stuff like that happen before, but anytime an accident happens someone else cleans it, it's usually someone that is relatively prepared for it and as fucked up as it is to say, some one iam sort of comfortable with them doing it. Talk about your shoulders being shot, you probably get yourself up and out of bed whenever you want, don't have to stay in because your caregivers will only come at 10pm once my friends completely moved out of this town, get families etc. that will go from most of the year to pretty well every night, because that's the only option. Talk about traveling to picking stuff up, man at least you can actually feel and interact with the world around you the human hand is a unimaginably cherishable gift, not only does it interact with everything man has made, it also allows you to do an incredible amount of things and lets you feel the many textures of this world, without sensation and hands you are very disconnected from it. You can also feel intercourse and get off, which is a life-changer in itself!!

    Your not that weak hahaha. Let me start off by saying my uncle blew his head off, I hated what he did because of my cousins and my aunt. But not for one second did I think he was a coward, far from it the more I think about it the more I realize how much balls it took to do what he did. He wasn't weak, he could snap someone like you in half able-bodied or disabled, but too good of a man to do it. If you can convince your self that there is strength in living with your disability then good for you! But I however realize the reality for myself living like this, is The definition of weak. Accepting this, adjusting my attitude as they say would only make that worse. I don't give a shit how people look at me, I don't care if they think I'm a freak etc. but for me personally this wheelchair is like a permanent scar or symbol that says I was too scared to die so I let them make me a cripple, now I accept less a life and I let people take care of me all day every day. It's the epitome of weakness and cowardly and dishonorable in my eyes, that's who I am that's how I feel that's not something that's going to change it's not something I can change, or would even want to change if I could, cause to me that would be giving up...

    The only thing you've said I agreed with is going in a blaze of glory. I would love to die completing a mission, protecting the lives, rights and freedoms of the weak, ignorant and pampered, to die fighting beside my brothers protecting them and they me. To die in the ring, bareknuckle, fighting my bitter end, to die facing a loaded gun in the hands of a scumbag hood rat staring in his eyes swallowing fear no begging, giving him no satisfaction until he pulls the trigger. To die climbing K2, Everest an unnamed mountain in the quest of a life changing view and perspective of this beautiful planet. I want those things, I believe in a beautiful honorable death, life is nothing without one. But if I were to continue this sickening Trail, I would likely just be taken care of until I die in my bed piss beg and all. No thanks, my own at least.
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 03-12-2015 at 11:05 PM.

  8. #28
    Well said Titanium. You have 2 choices living life with SCI. You can choose to be bitter and hate the world and everything around you, or you can challenge yourself everyday on how to live with your "unchosen" life. There's no denying that all the issues that go along with this crazy life can wear you down, but on the flip side, there's plenty of success stories out there as well. As for myself, I faced the music at around the 2 year post injury timeline (injured in 2007) and come to the conclusion that the biggest disability is the one between your ears. Your mind is a powerful weapon. Use it for the good, not the bad.
    If I was meant to have wheels under my ass, what the hell are these legs for?
    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1455040496

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by titanium4motion View Post
    Just look at Christopher Reeve. He was our voice in the SCI community. C1/C2 injury?

    Look at Steven Hawking. His disability is far worse than a quad.

    Look at Nick Vujicic who was born with no arms or legs. He has traveled all over the world and got married several years ago.

    Look at the 18 year old Marines who went to war and two weeks later came home in a body bag.

    So what are you complaining about? Get off your ass and do something with the life you have left. I'm C6 for 28 years and damn it, "Life is good!"

    I married too. I met my spouse in the least of places, Beijing Capital International Airport, Beijing, China. Go figure! I ended up taking her home with me. The sex organ is between your two ears not between your two legs.

    What fuentejps said, "@ OP, its not easy but can be great though. many of us here were hurt young and were/are successful in spite of sci. as for finding a life partner, sci isn't stopping that you are!" Is absolutely correct. Words of wisdom.

    Listen to Michael Jackson's, "Man in the Mirror." Quote, "If you want to make a change take a look at yourself and make a change."

    I have more to say about this topic. I still writing it. I work too and that takes up a lot of my time to be on this site.

    Ti
    Christopher Reeves is a voice of determination and desire to achieve a cure. In a interview he described people that are content to never walk again and/ or don't want a cure as "denial with a Capital D". A man that put his every resource and effort into getting out of a chair since the day he was injured, is not someone that was contained in a chair the rest of his life. Until the day he died he was still trying to achieve that goal. Apparently for us nonfamous folks trying to do that is not "moving on" what a crock of shit, maybe I d rather go for gold then "move on".

    Those other two guys inspire me as much as a paper bag blowing in the wind, as they literally do just that they just go with it.

    I haven't been whining about anything, I had either been
    A) explaining my perspective and disgust with my disability
    B) giving my interpretation of what giving up is, and what "accepting" something like this means
    C) explaining the uncomparable difference between paraplegics and quadriplegics, if necessary providing examples after examples were provided to me in argument.
    D) briefly explaining what I think the proper "route" to take with a disability like this is for myself

    Finally I would be honored to follow those men into war zones that have come back in body bags, and would be happy to take there place and/ or have fought and died a honorable death like they did, rather then live like a cowardly gimp pretending that "overcoming" my disability is a feat of strength and determination, rather then weak and dishonourable. (Remember before you get offended and defensive I speak for myself, I cannot speak for you)

    Cool Man but your marriage doesn't change the statistics, neither does your current employment status. I'm assuming the statistics I provided is why you chose to randomly explain your marriage and proposal situation.
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 03-12-2015 at 11:11 PM.

  10. #30
    Alright James, the spotlight is on you. What exactly are you looking for? If you're going to knock down what everybody is trying to say on here, I think this is the wrong site for you.
    If I was meant to have wheels under my ass, what the hell are these legs for?
    http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1455040496

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