John-you don't need me telling you, you're plate is pretty damn full!
I think you know that. Being on this forum will be a big help for you.
I learned early on from my experiences with my injury that it was absolutely necessary to be my own (informed) advocate. I won't go into all the medical horror stories that have been visited on me, but after the second or third, I knew I had to be my own advocate. Many medical professionals will tell you how well qualified they are to treat your condition, but be skeptical until you are well satisfied they are doing what is best and appropriate. You have an absolute right to have any questions or concerns answered and fully explained. You may need to be aggressively pro-active including possibly finding new providers. This is your life and it is important.
The bed sounds good. I know what you mean about dealing with a "balloon bed", but this too shall pass.
The caregivers not answering the "sit in the chair" question is vexing and intolerable. I know, once one has had flap surgery the protocol is ~10wks continuous Clinitron bed rest and (in my case) no more than 15* elevation. I'm a type A personality and I dealt with it. There's not a lot you can do lying flat, but I played my trumpet a lot, surfed the net, watched TV and did a lot of exercises with small dumbells-it was tolerable. I lived in the corner of our kitchen near a TV, a stereo, and had an iPad. The bedroom would be too secluded for me!
I hunch a qualified professional would keep you out of the chair. And there's that gorilla in the corner-your other side that shows on a scan.
The situation with the VAC sounds pretty sketchy. I don't suppose 8 days is soon enough to guage any results but I would sure demand some good feedback about at least how to get it working properly and if it is reasonable to expect it to work for you.
As previously mentioned, if you are incontinent, you probably require a foley for now.
And, as I mentioned before, before doing flap surgery a colostomy was highly recommended; I elected to get a permanent one and wouldn't go back! Being almost 20 yrs in a chair, I've gotten over any self consciousness about my body-what's simplest works best-bag that shit!!
And your wife? I know my wife (Julie) went through hell with my injury; poor Phil, poor Phil-what about Julie?? People expect the wife to dutifully support you, but she is gravely wounded as well. You could let her know that you sense this and you are sorry for it. And then have a good cry together.
You don't have to be tough to be resilient. She may be totally overwhelmed trying to be "strong". I know, when I rehabbed in 95 (w/Chris Reeve), she kept a journal that she shares with other women sometimes. She would be glad to be in a conversation supporting your wife in this strange new world. (PM me if interested)
You shouldn't have to go through this alone!
No. I don't think you are fiddling while Rome burns. You are in the early/mid stage of grief and acceptance-a long and valuable process! So is your mate. You may just be a little ahead of her now. And we all here know many of the powerful feelings that are swirling around you.
Time to take your power back; time to start problem-solving this overwhelming situation, one day at a time, one problem at a time. It will suck. It will test you to your roots. And as your actions generate results, you will feel better and better.
But I can tell you, as much as I hate this loss sometimes, if a bunch of people threw there shoes into a pile, I would take mine back.
Hang in there, ask for what you want, and if you get it, show your gratitude. Be gentle and be generous. (Listen to "help is on the way")
Wow! what a rant from a Volkswagen mechanic!