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Thread: Wondering if any of you have felt this way?

  1. #1

    Wondering if any of you have felt this way?

    Hello all it's been a long time since I've been on here. It has now been 6 years since my t4 paralysis. I'm now 29 still in school and wondering if I'll ever find that special someone. All my friends young and old are married and have at least one child. I know I shouldn't compare my situation with them since they are all able bodied but it's hard not to. I have been doing a lot of thinking if there is anyone out there for me and if they will be ab or have a disability. Starting to doubt any guy would ever want to be with a broken woman. In the beginning I didn't care but now I really do. I sometimes think it's easier to be the guy with sci because woman tend to be the loving/caretaker so it works out. But not so much the other way around. How have some of you dealt with these feelings or am I the only one who feels this way?

    Thanks for listening.

  2. #2
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Unfortunately there aren't a lot of disabled women here to answer your question anymore.

    I can only say that it usually happens when you're not looking ... and if you view yourself as broken, then you are! Work on you .. work on being the best you that you can be! After all, if you can't be happy with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to be? Your chair tends to weed a lot out to extremes ... either they're total jerks, or pretty decent human beings. I find a lot people complaining never give themselves opportunity to meet someone .. like Dr Phil says, 'They're aren't going to come and strike your windshield!' lol
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  3. #3
    Senior Member ~Lin's Avatar
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    I'll say more later, but so I don't lose the thread and forget.... Oh hell yes. I constantly wonder if I'll find the right person to be with for the rest of my life who won't be scared off by being sick, being in a wheelchair, using a service dog.... Especially hard to meet people that way, and the idea of online dating and having to explain all of that is super awkward to me. I have a hard time trying to find roommates online and explain it all. In fact I've contacted many people about housing situations only to have them suddenly disappear, not even a "I don't think it will work out" but just stop replying when they find out I'm disabled or in a wheelchair, including in the middle of texting back and forth.

    I'm also 29.
    Board Member of Assistance Dog Advocacy Project working in Education. Feel free to ask me any service dog questions!

    I am not paralyzed. I have a genetic connective tissue disorder with neuro complications and a movement disorder.

  4. #4
    I was 15 when I became a c5/6 quad (27 years ago). I remember feeling EXACTLY like you do. About it being easier to be a guy sci because women are better caretakers blah blah blah. I dated some in college where one guy had his doctor father and nurse mother completely fill him in on every last thing wrong with dating a crip. Another guy was just too wrong and because of the sci his life dreams weren't the best given my situation. Which ended up being a good thing because my self esteem was such that I thought I had to be with any guy who wanted me. I hadn't stopped to figure out what I wanted/needed/deserved in a partner. After college I got a job and pretty much convinced myself that I didn't need men and I would just own a lot of dogs to make me happy. Guess how well that life plan worked out? Over the weekend I celebrated my 11th anniversary to a wonderful guy who does bowel routines and helps me dress and helps me live my life. Does he love doing it? of course not but he knows that to be with me it is what needs to be done.

    My advice to you is to be the best you there is. If you live life that being in a chair sucks then you wont be attracting people to you. My personality is such that I have been told that people forget I am in a chair. to me that is a huge compliment because it means they see me for me and not just my chair. Join activities you like to do and you will start meeting people with shared interests. Even if it starts off as friends you never know where the journey may take you.

    Good luck to you!!

  5. #5
    First of all, you are not broken and you are not alone. There isn't a person in this world who doesn't have his/her share of suffering and burdens-just some are visible, some are not. You have an sci, but you are still a beautiful human being-inside and out!

    Maybe things usually happen when you're not looking because that's when you are busy living your life; when you are your truest self and that is what people see and are attracted to. You say all your friends, young and old, are married and have at least one child which probably means they are also living a totally different life(style) than you. And able bodied is not synonymous with being in a relationship either-all these online dating sites wouldn't exist if there weren't so many single people looking for their “special someone.” You might also be more aware of relationships because you are not in one and don't forget how the grass is usually always greener on the other side of the fence!
    So, however you go about it, make some single friends, too...get involved in what interests you, do something you have always wanted to do, maybe something you never even thought of doing. Just get out and spend time doing things you enjoy and you are bound to meet new people and make all kinds of discoveries!
    It's been four and a half years since my t9 paralysis. At 46, I had been hurt less than a month when my significant other couldn't deal with me/my injury, called me a bitch and told me to go find my own place to live. Worst of all, he told me I would never be attractive to another man ever again. I was stunned and pretty much devastated.
    Before my sci I had a very physical job. I was fit and active and spent my leisure time reading, vegetable gardening, traveling, trail hiking and kayaking. I wanted to be that way again, despite my wheelchair, so I found volunteer opportunities at the library and for a horticulture therapy program on an organic farm and best of all, I got involved in the local disabled sports program. I had never played any sport as an ab, but of what was offered I picked wheelchair tennis. How hard could it be to hit a ball over a net? I wondered and decided to give it a try. Turns out, it looked and sounded a lot easier than it really was, but there I was, breaking a sweat, having a good time and learning a new skill. At practice I met other folks in wheelchairs and at the tournaments I got to know people from around the world-all with wisdom and experience to share.
    I wasn't looking for anyone either, especially after what my ex told me and I'd come to enjoy the freedom and independence of being single again. I went to visit a friend I'd made playing tennis whose house was not entirely accessible-there was this step going from the kitchen into her garage...I couldn't do a wheelie to get up or down, I kept falling out of my chair and onto the concrete floor. After about the fourth time, she insisted I meet a friend of hers who was also in a chair. “Someone has to teach you how to live in your wheelchair!” she proclaimed. So I went and fell out on his garage floor a dozen or so times, with him there to catch me of course, until I finally got it right. I wasn't expecting to fall in love, too. I wasn't even thinking about it and here this guy turned out to be the one! That was almost two years ago. Not only have my wheelies improved, but I believe my life is better overall and I like to think I've been good for him, as well. We have lots of fun together and share the ups and downs of living with sci. For us, it works. Able bodied or in a chair, I believe your better half is out there, too.
    You're young, still in school and it's exciting to think of all the opportunities and possibilities that lie ahead for you. Follow your dreams and don't give up...ever!



  6. #6
    I find myself wondering more and more if i will ever find that special someone. I am like you all of my friends are either married or in a serious relationship and pretty much all have kids.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Sarafino's Avatar
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    I am married, what I am missing in my life are other disabled people. My husband is AB and can't relate to me, and as my condition worsens (I have a degenerative condition) I find myself more and more isolated, even with another person in the house. Others have given you the advice, make sure to make some disabled friends along the way. I sure wish I had. Now I live in an area with almost no physically disabled people, trust me I have searched and gotten involved in the local adaptive sports group and the independent living center, and have had no luck making any physically disabled friends. It is killing me. Literally I have pretty much given up on life because I have not one person who, in person, wants to know how I am doing, like the real shit.

  8. #8
    Sarafino, what is your degenerative disease? If it is MS, have you reached out to the local MS Society? Their support groups can be very helpful, and some have set up virtual groups that get together via Skype or other media if they cannot meet in a central location.

    (KLD)

  9. #9
    Senior Member ~Lin's Avatar
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    Reaching out online helps. I have lots of disabled friends online, but not in person. A lot of that though is inability to get out and about and do activities where others go to meet people. In fact this is really lonely for lack of ab friends as well! I don't know what I'd do without the internet.

    I think a progressive disease is a different kind of hell in how people don't understand. Even those closest to you can have trouble understanding that what you performed just fine last year you can't today, etc.
    Board Member of Assistance Dog Advocacy Project working in Education. Feel free to ask me any service dog questions!

    I am not paralyzed. I have a genetic connective tissue disorder with neuro complications and a movement disorder.

  10. #10
    Senior Member Sarafino's Avatar
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    I dont have MS, and I live in a very rural part of the country where there is very little in the way of other disabled people. I do try, though, and still hope one day to make a friend, i do stuff when the local independent living center has social events. Mostly they are peope with TBI, not people like me, but maybe someday.

    Like i said I am married, part of that are good and parts I don't like. When I was dating I could still walk on crutches. now that I am non-ambulatory I find I am craving the company of other wheelchair users. Why is it that so many wheelchair users seem uninterested in dating other wheelchair users? That is sort of interesting to me, because no one else will 'get you' like another wheelchair user. As a wheelchair user with an AB partner I can say that it often feels like we are on the other sides of the Grand Canyon, two different worlds. Had I to do it all over again I would have made more of an effort to date other disabled people.

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