This may/may not resonate with some here dependent upon circumstance. If you don't know me, SCI, fully elaborated Central Pain, totally screwed nerves, net a clusterfuck. Should say I worked in covert ops and disappeared for long lengths of time but when retired from field work really dealt with all my family and thought things had been sorted, really seemed so.

Can't sit, walk, lie down pain at 10 all the time. Can't even count the surgeries 3 since last November, putting me back together, taking shrapnel out.

I walk a few hundred yards spaz, fall down, if bad pain lose bladder and puke. Wheels were suggested but I can't fucking sit!!!

Shrink, Pain Doc, Nuerologist, Psychiatrist, Spiritual Counselor, PT til insurance says wtf he can't get better then the denial, I have honestly and truly done my part to be the very best I can.

A number of years ago I attempted suicide, Interventions, blah blah blah. for a number of reasons I'm here and wll continue for the time being now the rant:

You think any of them see me now. 8 fucking brothers, my last "friend" ditched me the last 3 times and hasn't returned an email in 6 weeks save 1 "busy back to you soon" guess that's the last of them.

Mom in the hospital doing poorly, 87 nobody bothered to call, when they did ( a brother ) said not sure why I'm really calling, you haven't seen her in 2 years, the same one who actually said listen your life sucks, you're fucked mine isn't. the other 7 haven't called in years 2 drove through my town on the highway, 4 miles away, couldn't be bothered.

I could go on. I know severe pain (CP and my spasticity) cause anger issues. but WTF

so my life is making coffee for my wife who has a life and does include me sometimes and has not abandoned me but repulsed by the spaz etc and patchwork quilt I've become, cleaning the dishwasher, cooking and cleaning dinner when able. On bad days I can't even read and understand. work from home job and had my pay cut by 1/3 despite landing the 3rd largest account in the global company, said you're not pulling your weight. they cover a portion of my health ins and know I can't get another job nor afford to lose this one. A foreign company so no real recourse.

Tip of the iceberg but no more is necessary and already committing this to writing is upping the pain.

I am feeling so angry and bitter I am shaking and all it does is make the pain and spasms worse. While a rant it is reality and I truly am asking for help/ideas, please don't be trite.