Page 11 of 13 FirstFirst ... 2345678910111213 LastLast
Results 101 to 110 of 127

Thread: Suicide

  1. #101
    Quote Originally Posted by LaMemChose View Post
    McM, I just caught you are less than two yrs in. (Thanks, Patrick M!) That's a shitty damn time post injury. No wonder life is sucking such ass for you.

    At two years in, my marriage failed, my job was on the line, my mother had moved in to keep my house and me running so I could focus on my career that was in jeopardy. Mother kept the house clean, the shopping done, the food cooked, the dry cleaning picked up, me bathed and dressed until I learned to do these things for myself. Just working had me beyond exhausted. I remember thinking I could manage life each Monday. Feeling tired on Tuesdays. On Wednesdays. the exhaustion would set in and I'd remind myself I was halfway through the week. Each Thursday at work I was running on fumes. By Friday, I was just trying to force myself by sheer will to make it to the end of the day, have enough energy to get into the car and drive myself home. I'd sleep and try to recupe Sat and Sun to do it all again come Monday. I'd always had cerebral palsy. The addition of an inc c 6/7 in '93 seemed more than I could handle.

    But it wasn't.

    I was both thankful and resentful of the help I had from family and friends. I was grateful I had options for independence and resentful I needed it. I watched my marriage end, saw my career coming undone, saw everything I thought I knew about my life and how it would be was no more. I came far too close to ending my life and somehow I did not. At the time I was pissed I did not do it. Now? I'm glad I did not go there.

    Somehow I hung on, started to finally get my shit together. I'm glad I did as I would have missed so much, would have lost out on knowing so many good people where I live and have lived.

    I did not know who I was when my work was taken away. I coped in so many inappropriate, unhealthy ways. I hope I have left it in the past. I take it day by day now. So far so good.

    ChesBay suggested giving yourself another five or ten years. Less than two in, that may look like forever. I promise you it is not. Give yourself five years and give it a good honest try. You are worth the effort.

    You may not see you are more than your body. You always were. It takes a meeting of body/mind/spirit to be good at anything physical. If you were involved in MMA in any manner, you used your mind more than you give yourself credit. Your written words here also indicate a man who is more than his physical then or now.

    Like PN, I'm sorry for what you have lost. It sucketh mightily.

    You can find your way out of the morass. For me, it has been in doing for others (volunteering), in travel with those I love most and best, and in my artwork. Your way through this is in you. It's the greatest fight of your life should you choose to find what blisses the hell out of you now. It's a puzzle no one else can solve. Only you can do it for yourself.

    We have been where you are. If we are writing in this thread, we have each and all gotten beyond the soul crushing eighteen to 24 months. My spirit dashing point was eighteen months in. Reality bitch slapped me.

    Consider giving yourself five to ten. Return to this thread then and see the different five and ten years post you and the you that you know and are today. Night and day, my friend. Night and day.

    Thanks dude that meant a lot. You don't have to apologize for my stupidity putting myself here, I'm more sorry to hear about you being like this, and going to this garbage. Patrick made a lot of sense in what he said I to detest how much I've whined, and I can't hear about it from other people anymore, I have so much anger when people bother me or piss me off the only thing I can think is kick the shit out of them, but I can't move so the anger just rots inside me. I have serious anger issues most my life, may have started from one of my head injuries, the anger can be a pain worse then anything I've dealt with to this point no idea how I manage it like this.. He's Also right if I want to go, just do it don't drag it out and whine about it, i can make excuses like I'm not able to do it myself but I have the back pond where I've grown up it's deep enough. I feel more guilt about that then I do about injuring myself and Patrick help me realize that. It's so frustrating to hear people tell me I can do catheters when I need my right forearm to pronate but it won't matter how much I try, i've done electro-stim, bio ness everything nothing will help it and it's not just catheters I need that for, anything opening my own pills grabbing objects, that's why the occupational therapist in rehab didn't teach me any of those tricks, we just keep Trying to help my arm stay pronated (Palms to the ground) and use my wrist extension and it never did for some reason. But I need that function. I haven't slept in like four days because of it and just had a big eye-opener so I'm jumping from one point to the other not making much sense my bad.

  2. #102
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Wisconsin USA
    Posts
    11,007
    LaMemChose is most definitely not a dude, James! I think Ket pisses you off not over comparing deeds done and compared but because he has had to be a "talent" spotter in a different way. For those who worked in groups of 12 or less and often alone with the others covering your back with call in support, pre op intell and a lot that doesn't need explained you learn quickly to spot the right characteristics in your team mates. So skipping the military versus MMA stuff two things stick out here at least to me. Where does the anger you've always had come from? I think it was there before any head injury if those were from training and street fights. That kind of anger is what talent spotters see and want nothing to do with. Why? Anger like that is hard to depend on. I mean you talk about this rage inside you during fights and that is what you should start with if you see some counselor. Anger and rage have many causes, some understandable and others not so much. Directed anger in certain areas is helpful and self-protective. Misdirected anger from an unknown to you or unacknowledged source is dangerous. Ask any woman who has been stalked. You should really go back and find what sparked this inner rage. The second issue is head injuries. You need to find out exactly what damage they caused and if there is lingering disability from them. Many head injuries go undetected until another insult to the body hits and the results don't make sense. I saw how you dealt with grabbing things in Boston and how you handled your iPad. I am a pretty good judge of injury levels because of how many people I've met with SCIs. Your right shoulder could be due to a head injury and you would never have noticed it until you were much older because you had strong surrounding muscles to support it. And amputation is not a solution there. The nerves causing the pain would still be there but cut back.

    You're now at the point somewhere between the "I am sick and I just need to get well" stage and in the middle of the depression/anger stage where you realize you have just joined a club no one wants to join, the disabled. I don't handle depression well. It sucks and I have dealt with situational depression enough to know that. I do much better when I get angry at things. But you need to get angry at the right things and tackle those as your fights. I got pissed over the state of paralysis cure research. After hearing what an injured New York State Trooper was doing to raise money for funding more research at the state level I hit my computer and wrote a letter that would go to 47 senators and delegates in Maryland. For almost three years my anger had a goal. Funding research in Maryland. It took two years and a lot of help but I did wind up sitting next to the Governor as he signed the bill I wrote, the politicians distorted and amended, signed into law. So if you want to stay mad, fine. Just aim your anger at something constructive.
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  3. #103
    James go back to your first post a while ago. please note I've tried to help, tried several tacks, and have started an extremely contentious back and forth. Not my intent. There are many here trying to help. I would suggest you not be dismissive as many have the same challenges as you.

    I do wish you peace.

    again to the board, I've had a difficult run and went a bit off the ranch apologies.

    ket

  4. #104
    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    Thanks dude that meant a lot. You don't have to apologize for my stupidity putting myself here, I'm more sorry to hear about you being like this, and going to this garbage. Patrick made a lot of sense in what he said I to detest how much I've whined, and I can't hear about it from other people anymore, I have so much anger when people bother me or piss me off the only thing I can think is kick the shit out of them, but I can't move so the anger just rots inside me. I have serious anger issues most my life, may have started from one of my head injuries, the anger can be a pain worse then anything I've dealt with to this point no idea how I manage it like this.. He's Also right if I want to go, just do it don't drag it out and whine about it, i can make excuses like I'm not able to do it myself but I have the back pond where I've grown up it's deep enough. I feel more guilt about that then I do about injuring myself and Patrick help me realize that. It's so frustrating to hear people tell me I can do catheters when I need my right forearm to pronate but it won't matter how much I try, i've done electro-stim, bio ness everything nothing will help it and it's not just catheters I need that for, anything opening my own pills grabbing objects, that's why the occupational therapist in rehab didn't teach me any of those tricks, we just keep Trying to help my arm stay pronated (Palms to the ground) and use my wrist extension and it never did for some reason. But I need that function. I haven't slept in like four days because of it and just had a big eye-opener so I'm jumping from one point to the other not making much sense my bad.
    McM, I have felt that raw, hot, all consuming, maddening anger/rage. I remember feeling so angry I wanted to literally explode. There have been times I just wanted to break something, anything so I broke things I carefully chose to break. I'd get in the car alone, turn the speakers to a near glass shattering level with the windows up and just scream and yell. This may sound odd, but at the time, it helped. I needed to get that stuff out of me.

    Anger turned inward leads to depression. Instead of being angry at what has happened to our bodies, we turn that anger inward on ourselves. That's the ultimate checkmate.

    McM, find a way to express and allow the anger out. It doesn't have to be all at once and it won't be. It's more process than destination, especially at first. Try the car with your favorite angst music and just scream until you cannot yell another sound. It's exhausting, but may help.

    As for cathing and the other indignities of SCI life, yes, those suck. Pee into a tube and have someone else dig the crap out of your ass? Who'd have ever thought? I understand. Everyone else does, too. Have you considered a suprapubic cath so you can leave the house for longer than three to four hours at a time? It could mean greater independence. Staying home all the time is a killer. Find a better method of bladder management and start to reclaim your life.

    You wrote of one arm having far less function than the other. Ditto. Unlike you, one of my palms will only face the floor. It will not turn up even if someone else is trying to turn it that way. It is what it is. I have learned to use that closed fist to help me have greater independence. I also had tendon transfers. It means I can put something into that closed fist with my mouth or my other hand and it stays there until I remove it with my mouth, other hand or by pressing down on top of the fist with my chin or another item.

    We have a million ways of coping physically. You will find yours. Check the YouTube vids sometime to see how numerous people function with varying levels of SCI and disability.

    You haven't slept in four days? Not good, my Man. Shut down your PC/Mac, have a glass of milk (good chemicals in that stuff to help with the zzzz's) and get some sleep. We'll still be here when you return. You'll still be able to tell us what is happening with you. You're feeling an overwhelming amount of anger and grief with a serious lack of sleep. Not a good combo. Sleep! We'll be around, you will too and we can all talk and listen again after you have rested.

    Later, ~MaryEllen

  5. #105
    P.S. Many of us have had brain injuries and live with the aftermath. It need not be anyone's defining moment.

  6. #106
    I have a very hard time sleeping because I used to be a stomach sleeper, and I don't get turned at night anymore so it's always on my. Got a few hours last night but my damn shoulder aches it feels like it's dislocated but it's not even though when I left it upwards it does pop in and out but that always has something to do with muscle atrophy at one point and slightly stronger muscles on the other side pulling it right. That sucks man, honestly if I had the same function my left fire is still no charset or fingers I be able to use a manual chair for sure and grab things for myself, I don't know about cathing myself though, I have no idea how Id open lubricant, iodine pads and the catheter itself they're all in tiny hard plastic packages but it would only be possible with a right arm that is able to stay pronated when activating my wrist extension, and can pronate itself on its own. Like you said it is what it is. One thing I've noticed with my left arm though even though I am a complete and have not recovered anything even with all my physiotherapy, my left arm has the slightest bit of tricep control like I mean slight, with gravity I can straighten my arm fully, only with gravity like my arm at the side of my chair. And that slightest control kind of helps me keep it reached forward my right one doesn't even have that either though. It's like 100% tricep death, don't even spasm like my left one does. Very odd Sue you made be right my head injuries were from different things, not combat related. first I was dropped on my head as a toddler cracked my skull on the concrete, Second slapshot to the temple then hit the ice headfirst no helmet, and lastly hit by a speeding truck broke the mirror on the side of my head too. So you may be right, but where my scar is on the back of my neck there is what looks like a second scar only on the right side of my neck as if there was additional damage from my accident, who knows.

    As for my anger I have no idea how to manage it, screaming and hitting things aren't as powerful anymore doesn't do the same for me.

  7. #107
    I have a tremendous fear when I Move out of my dads house, drop all this money on a adapted house, get caregivers might have to be government support. That I'll be up at 9am and in bed by 10:30pm the rest of my life.

    even hear I have to go to bed at 10pm every night, but if I did go out with friends some how my dads there to throw me in bed, just have to wake him up might be miserable but at least he's their caregivers wouldn't be.

    live, die, run, jump no matter what I have to move its horrible here, I just don't know how to look forward to a life like that, yes doesn't say much better either way.
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 05-27-2014 at 03:16 PM.

  8. #108
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    North Carolina, USA
    Posts
    3,399
    Hang in there James.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  9. #109
    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    I have a very hard time sleeping because I used to be a stomach sleeper, and I don't get turned at night anymore so it's always on my. Got a few hours last night but my damn shoulder aches it feels like it's dislocated but it's not even though when I left it upwards it does pop in and out but that always has something to do with muscle atrophy at one point and slightly stronger muscles on the other side pulling it right. That sucks man, honestly if I had the same function my left fire is still no charset or fingers I be able to use a manual chair for sure and grab things for myself, I don't know about cathing myself though, I have no idea how Id open lubricant, iodine pads and the catheter itself they're all in tiny hard plastic packages but it would only be possible with a right arm that is able to stay pronated when activating my wrist extension, and can pronate itself on its own. Like you said it is what it is. One thing I've noticed with my left arm though even though I am a complete and have not recovered anything even with all my physiotherapy, my left arm has the slightest bit of tricep control like I mean slight, with gravity I can straighten my arm fully, only with gravity like my arm at the side of my chair. And that slightest control kind of helps me keep it reached forward my right one doesn't even have that either though. It's like 100% tricep death, don't even spasm like my left one does. Very odd Sue you made be right my head injuries were from different things, not combat related. first I was dropped on my head as a toddler cracked my skull on the concrete, Second slapshot to the temple then hit the ice headfirst no helmet, and lastly hit by a speeding truck broke the mirror on the side of my head too. So you may be right, but where my scar is on the back of my neck there is what looks like a second scar only on the right side of my neck as if there was additional damage from my accident, who knows.

    As for my anger I have no idea how to manage it, screaming and hitting things aren't as powerful anymore doesn't do the same for me.
    McM, these injuries monkey up our sleeping patterns. SCI turns what is a normal nights sleep into anything, but easy.

    Getting as "comfy" as possible may help, but it's a new ballgame just as every other thing is. I was a stomach sleeper, can still do a version of it with enough pillows. I put pillows under the parts of me that are bonier and make contact with the mattress. Think knees, elbows, hip bones, etc.

    Screaming is not as effective as more physical means. However, it worked for me to an extent. It's worth a try as anything helps when anger turns to rage.

    Keep looking for what works, eh?

  10. #110
    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    I have a tremendous fear when I Move out of my dads house, drop all this money on a adapted house, get caregivers might have to be government support. That I'll be up at 9am and in bed by 10:30pm the rest of my life.

    even hear I have to go to bed at 10pm every night, but if I did go out with friends some how my dads there to throw me in bed, just have to wake him up might be miserable but at least he's their caregivers wouldn't be.

    live, die, run, jump no matter what I have to move its horrible here, I just don't know how to look forward to a life like that, yes doesn't say much better either way.
    Don't let fear keep you from moving ahead. You'll find your way.

    Going to bed at 10-ish each night does not have to mean for the rest of your life. If you find a better bladder management program, what is to say a friend cannot help you into bed at the end of a night? You might also decide to use a different schedule with pca's on weekends or certain nights. Whatever you ultimately go with, keep an eye on your skin.

    You are tough enough and strong enough to carve a new life for yourself.

Similar Threads

  1. Suicide
    By cheesecake in forum Life
    Replies: 621
    Last Post: 07-09-2009, 07:03 PM
  2. Suicide
    By CapnGimp in forum Life
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 07-18-2007, 04:28 AM
  3. suicide
    By suoz in forum Life
    Replies: 49
    Last Post: 02-07-2007, 12:02 PM
  4. suicide
    By Afraid in forum Life
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12-05-2006, 02:58 PM
  5. Replies: 0
    Last Post: 04-14-2005, 11:47 AM

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •