Quote Originally Posted by LaMemChose View Post
McM, I just caught you are less than two yrs in. (Thanks, Patrick M!) That's a shitty damn time post injury. No wonder life is sucking such ass for you.

At two years in, my marriage failed, my job was on the line, my mother had moved in to keep my house and me running so I could focus on my career that was in jeopardy. Mother kept the house clean, the shopping done, the food cooked, the dry cleaning picked up, me bathed and dressed until I learned to do these things for myself. Just working had me beyond exhausted. I remember thinking I could manage life each Monday. Feeling tired on Tuesdays. On Wednesdays. the exhaustion would set in and I'd remind myself I was halfway through the week. Each Thursday at work I was running on fumes. By Friday, I was just trying to force myself by sheer will to make it to the end of the day, have enough energy to get into the car and drive myself home. I'd sleep and try to recupe Sat and Sun to do it all again come Monday. I'd always had cerebral palsy. The addition of an inc c 6/7 in '93 seemed more than I could handle.

But it wasn't.

I was both thankful and resentful of the help I had from family and friends. I was grateful I had options for independence and resentful I needed it. I watched my marriage end, saw my career coming undone, saw everything I thought I knew about my life and how it would be was no more. I came far too close to ending my life and somehow I did not. At the time I was pissed I did not do it. Now? I'm glad I did not go there.

Somehow I hung on, started to finally get my shit together. I'm glad I did as I would have missed so much, would have lost out on knowing so many good people where I live and have lived.

I did not know who I was when my work was taken away. I coped in so many inappropriate, unhealthy ways. I hope I have left it in the past. I take it day by day now. So far so good.

ChesBay suggested giving yourself another five or ten years. Less than two in, that may look like forever. I promise you it is not. Give yourself five years and give it a good honest try. You are worth the effort.

You may not see you are more than your body. You always were. It takes a meeting of body/mind/spirit to be good at anything physical. If you were involved in MMA in any manner, you used your mind more than you give yourself credit. Your written words here also indicate a man who is more than his physical then or now.

Like PN, I'm sorry for what you have lost. It sucketh mightily.

You can find your way out of the morass. For me, it has been in doing for others (volunteering), in travel with those I love most and best, and in my artwork. Your way through this is in you. It's the greatest fight of your life should you choose to find what blisses the hell out of you now. It's a puzzle no one else can solve. Only you can do it for yourself.

We have been where you are. If we are writing in this thread, we have each and all gotten beyond the soul crushing eighteen to 24 months. My spirit dashing point was eighteen months in. Reality bitch slapped me.

Consider giving yourself five to ten. Return to this thread then and see the different five and ten years post you and the you that you know and are today. Night and day, my friend. Night and day.

Thanks dude that meant a lot. You don't have to apologize for my stupidity putting myself here, I'm more sorry to hear about you being like this, and going to this garbage. Patrick made a lot of sense in what he said I to detest how much I've whined, and I can't hear about it from other people anymore, I have so much anger when people bother me or piss me off the only thing I can think is kick the shit out of them, but I can't move so the anger just rots inside me. I have serious anger issues most my life, may have started from one of my head injuries, the anger can be a pain worse then anything I've dealt with to this point no idea how I manage it like this.. He's Also right if I want to go, just do it don't drag it out and whine about it, i can make excuses like I'm not able to do it myself but I have the back pond where I've grown up it's deep enough. I feel more guilt about that then I do about injuring myself and Patrick help me realize that. It's so frustrating to hear people tell me I can do catheters when I need my right forearm to pronate but it won't matter how much I try, i've done electro-stim, bio ness everything nothing will help it and it's not just catheters I need that for, anything opening my own pills grabbing objects, that's why the occupational therapist in rehab didn't teach me any of those tricks, we just keep Trying to help my arm stay pronated (Palms to the ground) and use my wrist extension and it never did for some reason. But I need that function. I haven't slept in like four days because of it and just had a big eye-opener so I'm jumping from one point to the other not making much sense my bad.