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Thread: Where do you find the strength

  1. #1

    Where do you find the strength

    Look no need to point out I'm depressed. I have tried virtually EVERY antidepressant which has led to 1 suicide attempt, and 3 near misses each associated with and anti-depressant and trying others has lead down the same path, only pointing it out so we don't bother with it, see a sjrink, see a spiritual counselor, but it it the FUCKING CENTRAL PAIN, was never depressed prior.

    So on to the main event. I've been in the game a long time now and every night I wonder if I'll sleep, how many minutes before pain or spasms wake me, and knowing how bad waking up will always be?

    I know there are a dozen or so CP or hard core pain folks here some in as long some longer. Where do you find the strength and courage to continue. Seriously?

    It has been a long time and I'm running out of steam. I also believe the constant serious pain is impacting my intelligence. I'm stooped many hours a day, sleeplessness and pain distraction. Bad enough I can't read a fucking book and remember what I'm reading. Shrink evals show normal function, some deterioration ( long time shrink, 3 years pre CP) but she notes hat on extreme pain or sleep deprived days I'm 40-50% and just ugly days I'm 80+% and still much sharper/smarter than her typical patient.

    Half whine, half looking for some new thoughts?

    ket

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    SF bay area, CA
    Posts
    100
    Such a good question, ket. I often wonder how folks like you find the strength to carry on. My own CP is less severe than yours yet it is relentless, has diminished the quality of my life considerably over the years and left me horribly depressed despite a boatload of antidepressants. I?m 35 years post and the fricken pain is getting worse as I age. Now it?s paramount in my mind. Always. It doesn?t feel like I have strength to combat the pain. Instead I distract myself with suicidal ideation and opioids (sometimes more healthy things like exercise and friends) but nothing lasts very long and I know the pain will come any moment. My friends and family are beloved and I can?t imagine the pain it would cause them if I were to kill myself, so I don?t take action. I don?t think that is strength, maybe compassion for them, maybe cowardice on my part. Somehow I muddle through but nothing I do feels like it comes from a place of strength. Hopefully others will have a better answer. I will be watching for it.

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    1,813
    Try to accomplish extremely miniscule task or even just a piece of a task. Maybe it not go great first X times, but if you break things down small enough such that you can accomplish, I really think that ends up giving you motivation, Simply because you are achieving something. Do not worry about how big or small it is. Focus on accomplish. I think this does something inside.

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