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Thread: Into the soft dark

  1. #1
    Senior Member grommet's Avatar
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    Into the soft dark

    Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take of my body being the enemy. Sometimes I feel so low and I wish there was a soft dark void, very quiet, I could just gently roll in to and that would be it.

    Having a pity party day, sorry.

  2. #2
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Pick a favourite spot. For me, it would be the ocean ... but barring that (lol), a beach I can get real close to on Lake Erie in Kingsville.

    I haven't been there in a long time but it's a great place to just rest my mind and listen to the Great Lakes waves lap against the sand.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by grommet View Post
    Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take of my body being the enemy. Sometimes I feel so low and I wish there was a soft dark void, very quiet, I could just gently roll in to and that would be it.

    Having a pity party day, sorry.
    This video clip from The Daily Show was the concluding segment of their first tearful episode back after 9/11. Jon Stewart's attempt at putting a smile on the face of a mournful nation.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by grommet View Post
    Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take of my body being the enemy. Sometimes I feel so low and I wish there was a soft dark void, very quiet, I could just gently roll in to and that would be it.

    Having a pity party day, sorry.
    I've been feeling like this a lot lately. No words of encouragement just that I know how you feel. I think we deserve to have pity party's every now and then.

  5. #5
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Another thing that helps is a psychologist once taught me to 'manage' it. I get 'set amount of time to grieve' as often as a I need it, but then I must move on and finish my day. I thought it was great advice.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  6. #6
    better days ahead.
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  7. #7
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    iv had a couple crys today. pain is hard. hang in there.

  8. #8
    Senior Member grommet's Avatar
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    I haven't read replies yet, just getting back online after a long day.

    I'm terrified.

    Fourteen years ago I threw my legs over the edge of the bed on to the floor to stand up and I fell down. At that moment I thought I might never walk again. I wrote a note giving the time and day and the words, "The day I began to crawl." A few minutes later I was better and though things have been up and down they've been for the most part really good but today my right knee went and I didn't know it until I tried standing up and fell down. My right side is the "good" side.

    When the changes come I never know if it's a few minutes, a day or this is the new me. That's where I'm at now and .. I don't know how this is going to sound, I know this is a group for SCI and I deeply respect that but you guys have become friends.

    My girlfriend was with me all day and left a little while ago (I asked her to). She is great and let me have all my moments today but at one point we were putting down the new bathmats we just bought and I lost it. I couldn't move or speak, something inside me just grabbed and pulled me down for a second. She came over and tried to comfort me and said nice things but one thing she said was, "We'll get through this if it's permanent." I absolutely freaked when she said that word out loud. She was right to say it but I lost it. I hid in the corner and cried. I thought I was a pretty good guy but I ain't that tough. I'll probably be just fine tomorrow morning or in a couple of days and I'll feel pretty good then but tonight I have this one thought that came clear to me, that if I can't walk everyone will leave me. If you need too much help, people get tired and move away. I believed that as long as I could do most of what I needed for myself it wouldn't be too much for my friends, my girlfriend, they would say yeah, that's okay.

    I'm not myself right now or maybe I'm stripped bare having only one thought. I can only think about walking. I've never thought so much about one thing.

    I'm sorry if I've said anything wrong, I don't mean to. I'm upset and trying to work this night out. Thanks for listening and like I said, I'm sorry if I've said anything wrong. I'll be fine in a couple of days. I know I will.

  9. #9
    Senior Member NikkiMaya's Avatar
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    I think everything you are feeling is totally normal and you don't need to apologize. Carecure is not one size fits all, and even though most members have SCI, there are those of us with progressive conditions too. I haven't yet come across anyone here who has a problem with that or thinks we shouldn't be posting our real feelings.

    I am at the same place as you. Losing more function and seriously worried, angry and grieving. My right arm and hand started giving me a lot of problems this week, and I don't know what it means. I am just hoping it's some kind of fluke, because I don't think I can take more pain and immobility. I finally got a great manual wheelchair, and now I'm imagining not being able to push it...Sometimes our minds are our greatest enemy and we need to try to shut them off with a distraction for a while or we will drive ourselves crazy thinking about the what-ifs.

    Anyway, I don't think this is a situation where you need to give yourself a timeline to be strong. Maybe in a few days you will feel better, but if you don't, I think you should cut yourself some slack. This doesn't seem like the kind of thing you get over mentally within a week. It sounds like your girlfriend is really supportive, so that's great. I hope you can lean on her far into the future.
    In our world constituted of differences of all kinds, it is not the disabled, but society at large that needs special education...to become a genuine society for all. -Frederic Major, Former UNESCO Director General

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