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Thread: I have had it. I can't take it any more

  1. #1

    I have had it. I can't take it any more

    11.5 years of unrelenting daily pain - I'm fatigued from the effort of trying different regimens, holding my head up, enduring suffering. No more. I am pharmacologically stamping out pain when it shows up. I am choosing not to suffer anymore. Don't know where this will lead to. No where good likely, but I give up. Good bless those who wish to try to overcome chronic pain. I am just too tired.

  2. #2
    Wtf
    Come on bro
    You're one of the first members I remember reading a post from when I joined.

    I know it's hard
    Because I'm going through it right now
    I'm not mid 20s yet and I've pissed away the past 5 years, pain and fatigue and unexplained things like sweating happen to this day, as we speak, it led me to move to the middle of nowhere, to cut contacts with people I know, and just wallow in my own hatred and depression... I'm right there with you

    But there has to be a point...
    We put up with it this long...
    What's so much longer?

    I'm not gonna let it beat me
    At least I really hope I won't

    But I'm right there with ya
    No one can explain my sweating and pain and today I got on gabapentin and slept for like 11 hours, wasting my time trying new meds, it sucks it really doea

  3. #3
    Are you saying you're gonna OD?
    Please don't

  4. #4
    Senior Member NikkiMaya's Avatar
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    Arndog, I feel you. I have had unrelenting severe chronic pain from the waist down since I was nine and it has only gotten worse. I am sure everyone in this thread is up in the middle of the night because they are in so much pain they can't sleep. I know I am.

    I have been at that place where you find yourself this morning, many times. You feel like you have reached a tipping point and it is all too much. Things look hopeless and bleak, and you don't even know if you can take it for one more day. You would grasp at any straw offered even if it is just a temporary solution that might come back to bite you later. Boy have I ever been there.

    I don't like to talk about it, but I have been in so much pain that I have been suicidal at times. In the fall of 2011, I actually made an attempt--unsuccessful, thankfully. I used to be on the CC boards back then, and things were so rough physically and psychologically that I just dropped out of sight until getting back on recently. I was able to rebound by getting off some really unhelpful pain medications, and by talking with a very supportive therapist and psychiatric nurse practitioner on a weekly basis. I still see the therapist, because it is not easy to live in constant pain.

    I am really glad you are reaching out for support here, but your message was a little hard to interpret. Like diaspora, I am worried about exactly what you meant when you said things like "I am choosing not to suffer anymore," "I give up," and "I am just too tired." Sometimes things can be hard to interpret on the internet. Those are all things I have said before when I was at my wits end and feeling super run down. Maybe you were trying to say you are ready to turn to other types of treatments like painkillers? If you are actually thinking about hurting yourself, please don't. Consider waiting a few hours. The feeling might pass. Try to distract yourself if possible with music, a TV show, or this chat board. You can PM me if you want.

    Sorry if we read your message incorrectly, but I would rather use an overabundance of caution than dismiss someone who is in serious psychological pain and reaching out for help. Please hang tough.
    In our world constituted of differences of all kinds, it is not the disabled, but society at large that needs special education...to become a genuine society for all. -Frederic Major, Former UNESCO Director General

  5. #5
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    I don't really know what to say. I hope you didn't.
    I understand pain, and how tiring it can be.

    I wish you might just call someone.

  6. #6
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    I not in physical pain, but mentally, cannot describe. That is a f*cking wreck. I did try OD a few years ago and even failed there. Ended up in mental hospital. Have not tried since, but do know what won't work. I probably, or hope, if I can get off the up and down roller coaster mentally, something like that makes some kind of change. It does seem to help if I reduce the "size" of my expectations. Yep! We all want these gigantic expectations to happen instantly, but putting them to the smaller, maybe even miniscule, does seem to help me.

  7. #7
    Senior Member NikkiMaya's Avatar
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    Arndog, I was hoping you might check back in shortly after posting. Hopefully you are getting some rest. I am going to try to sleep now and probably won't be on the forum for a while. I just wanted to let you know in case you did try to PM me and didn't get a response right away. You can still PM me any time.

    I hope you will check back in here later and give us an update. I'm guessing you were probably having a terrible night and needed some support, but of course we all want to make sure. You are in my thoughts.
    In our world constituted of differences of all kinds, it is not the disabled, but society at large that needs special education...to become a genuine society for all. -Frederic Major, Former UNESCO Director General

  8. #8
    Courage endure lets talk today

    Pax,

    Ket

  9. #9
    Senior Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by arndog View Post
    11.5 years of unrelenting daily pain - I'm fatigued from the effort of trying different regimens, holding my head up, enduring suffering. No more. I am pharmacologically stamping out pain when it shows up. I am choosing not to suffer anymore. Don't know where this will lead to. No where good likely, but I give up. Good bless those who wish to try to overcome chronic pain. I am just too tired.

    Sorry you are having such a hard time. Been up most of the night with it myself. Hopefully, like myself, you can find a drug regimen that allows you just enough relief to find some enjoyment in life yet does not take away that enjoyment with side effects.

    I don't think we can really fight serious chronic pain. I think we just have to roll with it and try to manage it as best we can, knowing that we are going to have a lot of loses along the way. It sucks, but we have kids so we have no other choice my friend. There is nothing wrong with taking whatever drugs are necessary to live. A life with constant serious pain is hardly a life, so take the drugs if you want my opinion.
    2012 SCINetUSA Clinical Trial Support Squad Member
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  10. #10
    Sorry for the cryptic message, I wrote it late at night, fully demorilized.
    it is dawn, and I am awake again. I do appreciate all of your concern. I have been having a particularly hard time of late, although I can't compare my life as a partially ambulatory para to a quad. But the fatigue of always being in miserable pain is wearing. I am a very optimistic individual but recently having difficulty in the evenings.

    I lost my dog, Jasper, my English Pointer, glorious animal who was more than a pet last week. I channelled my lost athleticism through him, I derived great joy in watching him run and he was lucky enough to have a benevolent master to say when it is time to hang it up. I asked the vet to put him down. We don't have anyone to do the same for us. He likely developed a spine tumor and couldn't support his weight on all four extremities. Sounds familiar. He was the most noble, benevolent creature to grace the earth ( I am sure all dog owners feel this way about their pet). When I would roll up in a ball of pain in bed, he would join me and patiently be with me as I hung onto his neck.

    But I am not going to OD, I have strong family obligations. This forum is just the last ear that will listen no matter what time of day or night. Loved ones have heard it all before and can only take so much - we have all covered this concept of compassion fatigue before in different threads.

    I guess we do have each other and thank you for your response of concern. I am just unable to maintain optimism and view another decade of this wearily.

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