Borderline mother

[NikkiMaya]

Thanks Foolish. That was really kind

[~Lin]

I really feel for you. My cousin who is a few years younger than me, is formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. My uncle, her father, most definitely has it too, he just isn't diagnosed. I am lucky enough not to live with these people, but I have seen the damage they can inflict. BPD is one of the most difficult illnesses, because many people who have it don't believe there is anything wrong with them, and won't get treatment. They habitually rage at and manipulate the people closest to them. One of the best books written on the subject, is called, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me," and that is exactly how it is. People with BPD are constantly attacking their loved ones, but also manipulating them into staying close. They are typically very good at hiding their illness from non-relatives, so when you complain to neighbors, friends, and others who know the person, a common reaction can be that your relative could not possibly be up to such terrible behavior! It must be all in your head. It is probably even worse when the person doing this is elderly, because people have a perception that the elderly are fragile and sweet. Well, there are a lot of elderly people that just don't fit that bill.

You know your mother and you know how she has treated you during your lifetime. You don't need other people to second-guess you. If you are finding this situation to be overwhelming and counterproductive for you and for her, then I believe that it is. You need to take care of you first. It is like when you are on an airplane and the flight attendant tells you to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.

You have some important decisions to make about end of life care for your mother. Regardless of her mental health, she is going to continue to age and decline. Choices will have to be made. You need a plan. The question is, do you act now or wait, and if you act now what move do you make? I don't think you should ever feel bad for placing a premium on your own health and wellbeing. You may never hear from the professionals that your mother has a problem with her mental health, but the most important thing is that you know this to be true, and you know that you do not deserve to be treated badly.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.

Great post. I'm too tired to add anything lengthy... But I have a close friend who is borderline. It can be really tough, and sometimes trying to help can actually feed into the disorder and make things worse. And sometimes you just have to put your own health first. There are many times I read a text from her or see her phone number on my caller ID and have to just ignore it for my own mental health. I'll talk to her about what happened after the crisis is over, but I can't put myself at risk for her.

And you can't put yourself at risk for your mother. It sounds like the babysitters and such are rewarding her and making things escalate. I agree that a nursing home may be the best option, you need to put yourself first not her.

[IsMaisin]

I've got one trick that might be helpful. Yes, it is deceptive, and you definitely need to monitor usage, but sometimes it is the only way to get someone to take mood, depression, or personality stabilizing drugs.

Disguise them as painkillers.

Someone who is sure that there is nothing wrong will frequently not take meds for a problem that they don't believe exists. But they will take something that they believe helps with pain or aches.

The most important thing is preventing the person from taking too much. People in general will often take more pain meds than are prescribed. If you limit the availability by only letting the person take the pills "for sleep" or "in the morning to help with the day's aches", it is possible to control use while having the person still want to stay on the med.