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Thread: Hard to care

  1. #1

    Hard to care

    I am a person with complete L1-T12 paraplegia for 20 years. My wife has stood by me really well. Her father is another story. He has not supported his daughter during our struggles of me battling a severe case of osteomyelitis last summer, urological surgery, a colon cancer scare, my job loss, etc. He gives her no support in any form -- time, emotional, etc. Now he is dying and on hospice. She has risen above his lack of caring and spends a lot of time with him, etc., to the point of adding to our financial stresses. I could care less. I wish I could rise above it, but I feel like what goes around comes around.

  2. #2
    Senior Member flying's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Southern Oregon coast
    An eye for an eye leaves us all blind. Sounds like a tuff place to be in, what does your wife think you should do?
    T12L1 Incomplete Still here This is the place to be 58 years old

  3. #3
    Moderator jody's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    east o the southern warren
    the thing is, that is her dad. he is going forever. maybe when she spends time with him. she is spending time with the man she watched shaving in the mirror when she was a little one, or there is something else she see's when she is with him.

    My dad ran off with a 14 year old girl, and named some of his kids after us. He just replaced us, and forgot about us. He was a mean drunk too. I met him again when I was 13, and boy was my long lost daddy fantasy shattered.

    He died a painful death. he called me on the phone, but my heart was closed.

    My baby sister was there as he died. She met him later, and they had some kind of relationship after he ruined ours. that is something. one of us got to have a dad for a short time.
    When you spend your entire life missing your dad, that little time at the end is full of revelation, confession, and coming to terms with what may have happened. It was that with my mother. I spent my whole life missing her too.
    I held her hand as she left the world.
    My little sister who was there with dad, could not bring herself to be there when our mother died. that is ok. someone was. your wife is there. as painful as it is. and when he is gone, the door will be closed. she has the heart of a lion, and that has got to be much more than what he didn't do as a proper parent.

    He gave her something. she is just seeing it on. what ever that thread is between us and our mistaken, imperfect, or even horrible parents, well, she must be gaining something, and losing something. it's her dad. no matter what he was, he may be something else still in her little girl self. the best thing you can do is support her in this closing. it is the hardest thing she will do apart from seeing the love of her life broken in half.
    you sure don't have to pretend to love the guy.
    Just respect that she is traveling through something as personal as the love hate and death of a parent.

    My condolences for you in this difficult time.

  4. #4
    I know what should I do. Love him as Christ would. His actions just hurt a lot over the years.

  5. #5
    Moderator jody's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    east o the southern warren
    I think its ok to dislike, or even despise someone. if they earn it they earn it.
    it doesn't change that she has to do this. im sure she isn't doing it for fun. helping someone die is a job we take on.

    If she is a different religion, or culture than you, there may be factors there you don't know about. anyway, we can keep you company while you wife is busy doing the death watch.

    you care about your wife obviously.

    I don't like high places, or deep water.
    maybe he had some kind of gimp phobia. I see it all the time.
    anyway, its ok not to care for the man. you care for your wife, and you care that she is going through something. so you care, just not for him. It happens.

    I don't think that makes you a bad guy or anything. it's just something that is going on.
    If I could id offer you a beer and a fishing pole. it's an amazing day here.

  6. #6
    My wife and I got married when I was post-injury. My mother-in-law was a real bitch to both of us. Her daughter marrying a cripple shattered her perception of her daughter's future. After about 10 years she mellowed to the point that she could be civil in our presence. When she was dying my wife visited her and comforted her as a daughter would. I went along on the second visit to support my wife who had very mixed feelings. My mother-in-law apologized to both of us for treating us the way she did. Giving her that opportunity was the right thing to do and seemed to be a great relief for her. IMO, compassion trumps revenge.
    You will find a guide to preserving shoulder function @

    See my personal webpage @

  7. #7
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    There are some very wise old souls here - and I support everything they are sharing with you ! jody and 55 echo my thoughts 100 fold - wishing you and your wife peace !

    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  8. #8
    Sounds like you have a pretty cool wife TC. We're both lucky men to have wives like we have.

  9. #9
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Panama City, FL
    I think you meant to say you "couldn't" care less. Don't live with regrets. Whatever you think is the right thing to do, then do it and don't look back.
    "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and other people may not be able to tell the difference."

  10. #10
    Thanks for your wise council, Jody and 55. I don't have the OP's same situation but can apply this thread to other circumstances. You've given me something to think about.

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