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Thread: Shouldn't be here but...

  1. #1

    Shouldn't be here but...

    Last night was my planned self-termination. Planned meticulously for 1 year after being written off as salvage by the medical community and having exhausted every route for the agonizing spasms spasticity and central pain that have stolen my life. All was in place all loose ends tidied up. (No inferred anger or other dsirespect to the many medical professionals who have truly tried.)

    I'm currently working with a compassionate and brilliant team at Beth Israel NYC headed by Dr. Suelane Do Ouro who has taken me a step back from the precipice, and is committed to helping me get further back into life.

    Still struggling mightily but after an IT pump in mid Oct and titrated up to enough baclofen to kill a moose the spasms are just horrible instead of bone and tooth breaking torture. Pain is still a challenge but she has shared plans and we'll try.

    Back to work and love it, I'm productive as well. A challenge but my last effort to be "normal and productive".

    I'm finding life harder than termination, but always felt "the true gift is life" so the gnawing thought as I planned my termination was meeting my maker and having to explain my course of action, but felt it would be accepted.

    I still hear the sirens of dark angels who promise me respite and rest and I am weary, haven't truly slept a night for 10 years now, no longer know what it is like not to be in terrible pain.

    I don't know where this will lead or if it will ultimately change my plans but I have enough hope to try one last time.

    Don't post much besides my pics as I have nothing left. Hopefully my images add brightness to some of you, sharing them has kept my finger in my only life long passion and the kind comments lighten some very dark hours.

    Thank you all for the support through this continuing nightmare and a prayer or push of good energy to me is both needed and appreciated.

    God Bless us one and all, Pax.



    The Ketamine Kitty

    All the tears, all the pain, all the rage through the night (apolgies to the rewrite) RR

    Next time I die make sure I'm gone,
    don't leave 'em nothing to work on JT

    And I ain't nothin but a dream JM

  2. #2
    Senior Member Timaru's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Hampshire, England.
    Having read your posts over the last few years I know you to be a man of good judgment who will ultimately make the right choices for yourself.

    I have indeed enjoyed your pictures and sincerely hope to see many more.

    Whatever happens Bill I wish you the strength to carry on.

  3. #3
    I, too, enjoy your photographs and think you have so much to share and give. I am glad that you are still here, and that you finally have a strong medical team - especially your main doctor, who sounds not only well trained and experienced in her field, but wise in ways that surmount clinical walls. I hope that a way will be found for your pain and spasticity to diminish, and for the work that you love to have a freer rein in your life, as a result.
    Last edited by Bonnette; 02-01-2013 at 07:33 PM. Reason: spelling

  4. #4
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    New Jersey
    Blog Entries

    There but for the grace of God go I.

    There but for the grace of God go I.
    It's harder to change this than you sometimes think. Glad you acquiesced to the choice of life.

  5. #5
    Moderator jody's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    east o the southern warren
    its good to hear from you.

  6. #6
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Windsor ON Canada
    Timaru said it best. This is your life, your choice ... I hope you can find respite from the pain ... I can't even imagine.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  7. #7
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2001
    You have my support as well ket - shalom !

    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi

    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  8. #8

    There was an old Dr. Hook song called "Life Ain't Easy". I'd quote if for you if I could.

    Life ain't easy
    And nothin' comes free
    For you and me.

    That was the gist.

    It was gut-wrenching, and sad, and joyful. If I could I'd crank it right now, in your honor.

    This is the 1st time I've had a craving for bourbon in years. You have powerful juju. I'm glad you're still here to share it. We lose soooo many around these parts.

    Keep pn keepin' on, man.

  9. #9
    Namaste.....peace be with you my friend...!

  10. #10
    Senior Member IsMaisin's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Just outside Fort Bragg, NC USA
    My wife and I had this as the first dance at our wedding. We try to remember it in the hard times. Neither of us has had an easy life, and both of us have stepped right up to the precipice with a plan. I can't feel what you feel, but I can offer a hand from someone who understands.


    Some things in life are bad
    They can really make you mad
    Other things just make you swear and curse.
    When you're chewing on life's gristle
    Don't grumble, give a whistle
    And this'll help things turn out for the best...

    And...always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the light side of life...

    If life seems jolly rotten
    There's something you've forgotten
    And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
    When you're feeling in the dumps
    Don't be silly chumps
    Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

    And...always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the light side of life...

    For life is quite absurd
    And death's the final word
    You must always face the curtain with a bow.
    Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
    Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

    So always look on the bright side of death
    Just before you draw your terminal breath

    Life's a piece of shit
    When you look at it
    Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true.
    You'll see it's all a show
    Keep 'em laughing as you go
    Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

    And always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the right side of life...
    (Come on guys, cheer up!)
    Always look on the bright side of life...
    Always look on the bright side of life...
    (Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
    Always look on the bright side of life...
    (I mean - what have you got to lose?)
    (You know, you come from nothing - you're going back to nothing.
    What have you lost? Nothing!)
    Always look on the right side of life...

    (music & lyrics by Eric Idle)
    Played with bombs- No SCI, Brain Damage enough that I require a chair and a caregiver.

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