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Thread: This pain is making me fucking crazy

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by CraigP View Post
    A long time ago I was told that I could be as angry at God's I wanted to be. I cursed his name repeatedly. The only thing of life was giving me at the time was pure shit. I also came to realize that God is much bigger than we are and that getting angry at him is purely a human thing. I'm sure he understands the reason for your feeling… And I'm sure He will let it slide.

    I get pissed off at him all the time and eventually I'll get to ask him why life happen the way it did, and why the world is the way it is. Until then, I'll just Learn to live with life as it comes to me.
    Agreed, if a god does exist, I doubt this omnipotent being is so petty as to care if we say fuck, talk about sex, get angry over living in a condition evolution didn't prepare us for, etc.

  2. #12
    I believe He does exist, and that He will forgive us for the things we say or do. I do realize that this is just my opinion, and others do believe differently.

    I know there are times when I'm having a bad day and feel I must have done something terribly wrong for this sci to have happened! Then I remember about free will, and the terrible things that can go wrong in life......and then I remember..... I do have faith that He is with me and He is getting me through this.

    We all need a place where we can feel free to vent, swear, and just get angry. A place where others understand and don't judge us. It does'nt matter if the pain comes and goes, or is with us everyday. It helps to be where others put up with this, understand, and you don't have to explain.

    Hope you're feeling better Grommet.

  3. #13
    Senior Member grommet's Avatar
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    Smoky thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it. This place helps so much. I feel guilty complaining about anything at a place where people have SCI's and I don't. I try not to but like you said, everyone needs a place to get it out and have people understand us. I'm feeling a little desperate these days. I don't know how much longer I can be disabled. When things got started it was a trip to the doctor about a strangely sore shoulder. A few years later I got a wheelchair. Things were new and denial was great. I rode on denial and then went right in to fighting for disabled rights. A good cause but it was more a way to not deal with my personal experience with disability. I just skipped that step. I think I'm all out of steps now. Diagnosed 21 years ago with a neuro problem and told they didn't know what would happen.

    I just don't know what I've got left. I tried making wheelchairs feel 'neat' for a while. Getting in to the tech. Another nice and practical distraction. But I just don't know that I can live like this. I don't know what I want. Maybe just for less pain, which is likely to come in a few more days and, I don't know. I'm tired of being ashamed of my chair, of limping, of my friends and my girlfriend making accomodations for me. I don't want to be different. I hate this shit and it's my life and I'm an asshole for complaining at all. I've got it really good. Maybe I'm just scared and feeling sorry for myself.

    Had a terrible nightmare the other night that some people had taken my chairs. I limped and walked and tried to find them. It turned out to be college kids having a laugh and I saw them on a balcony riding around drunk on lots of wheelchairs. I fell down in pain because I couldn't stand up anymore and I cried, screaming for somebody to get me my chairs back. I woke up thinking I was crying but it was only in the dream. I love my chairs, they give me amazing independence and I have good chairs. But I can't really deal with the fact that I need them.

    Before I found out there was something inside me, before I started using a chair, I thought disability just meant you sat down or looked different. I didn't know there was anything else to it. Talk about tip of the iceberg. I am pissed, I am in pain and I am scared. I keep seeing a future, thousands of days of wheeling around and all the stuff that goes with it. Maybe it's just the pain right now making me nutsy. Maybe it's bringing out some other stuff too. Not sure what I want in 2013. Right now I'm thinking maybe a lightning bolt or city bus wouldn't be so bad.

    Jesus I've got it good and I'm still complaining. I need to get my head on straight. Thanks for letting me vent. It's good that we can listen to each other. :-)

  4. #14
    I'm so sorry. I hope you get some relief soon.

    Rant away as needed.

  5. #15
    Senior Member ~Lin's Avatar
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    I recently started seeing a new therapist, I plan on trying to discuss with her things like denial and coping with chronic pain. We've talked about the denial before, I use it so much too.

    I'm so sorry about your nightmare. I have this one repeating nightmare a lot... Though its actually been a little while since the last time I had it, I wonder if my wheelchair has helped it... But in real life when I try to push myself too hard my joints and muscles in my legs just give out and won't support me anymore. In the dreams I'm always somewhere and my legs have completely given out. I keep trying to pull myself up to a standing position but every time I do I just fall back down. So I'll be grabbing on to things with my arms, dragging myself along in a panic trying to get somewhere. I'm terrified of people seeing me like that, but yet when someone does pass me in the dream they don't even seem to notice that I'm dragging myself along. Being disabled can make you feel so helpless and scared.
    Board Member of Assistance Dog Advocacy Project working in Education. Feel free to ask me any service dog questions!

    I am not paralyzed. I have a genetic connective tissue disorder with neuro complications and a movement disorder.

  6. #16
    Senior Member grommet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Katja View Post
    I'm so sorry. I hope you get some relief soon.

    Rant away as needed.
    Thanks Katja :-) A night's sleep helps andthough I feel the same in body, venting last night and my girlfriend's great company helped me get me thinking better. I talked to her about having much worse pain and feeling pretty happy. I started feeling better about everything after I vented and talked.

  7. #17
    Senior Member grommet's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Lin View Post
    I recently started seeing a new therapist, I plan on trying to discuss with her things like denial and coping with chronic pain. We've talked about the denial before, I use it so much too.

    I'm so sorry about your nightmare. I have this one repeating nightmare a lot... Though its actually been a little while since the last time I had it, I wonder if my wheelchair has helped it... But in real life when I try to push myself too hard my joints and muscles in my legs just give out and won't support me anymore. In the dreams I'm always somewhere and my legs have completely given out. I keep trying to pull myself up to a standing position but every time I do I just fall back down. So I'll be grabbing on to things with my arms, dragging myself along in a panic trying to get somewhere. I'm terrified of people seeing me like that, but yet when someone does pass me in the dream they don't even seem to notice that I'm dragging myself along. Being disabled can make you feel so helpless and scared.
    Lin wrote: "Being disabled can make you feel so helpless and scared. "

    Yep, that's it. Your dream doesn't seem so different than mine. It gets better having people to talk to. CC is great :-)

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