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Thread: Spouse is tired of dealing with disability, but still loves me

  1. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by Obieone View Post
    Hi ibi

    Check your email please ! We'll get this done !

    Obi
    Hi Obi, I see now where you mean re group membership, when he is done work I will show him what to do. Thank you for your prompt reply, I am feeling I am losing him because of my disability. I am hopeing this site will help him, being able to talk and get support from other caregivers that truly understand all aspects of caregiving and daily barriers we face as well as missing the able body parts of the relationship. He really needs the support.
    Sorry to hear about your family tragedy. and I am sorry about any pressure I put on you.

  2. #62
    Quote Originally Posted by ibi View Post
    My husband has choose to stay with me through many uphill struggles throughout our 30 years of marriage, with my injury being 24 years ago, that is a very long time to be positive all the time. His negative thoughts that seem to be more apparent now are from the many years of dealing with not only the caregiving but the barriers we face daily. I don't feel or think he feels I am a burden to him, he has stayed with me because of his love for me and enjoying the many things we are still able to do in life together. We have lots of good memories from the the last 24 years even though we had barriers. He is at the point now of can he keep on doing this for the rest of his life and build towards our future.

    I believe that the more you try to "convince" someone of what they have or Hold on to someone, the more they will find reasons to or choose to pull away. I would simply let him go...let him be free, and give him the time to determine if he loves you enough to see the good and not focus on the bad. If he comes back..after seeing you CAN really make it on your own..and will, then this may turn around. many relationships have times of separation that allow the partners to gain perspective and see what is really of value. If they get back together, it was their CHOICE and the relationships can be that much stronger.
    "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda

  3. #63
    Quote Originally Posted by sherocksandsherolls View Post
    I believe that the more you try to "convince" someone of what they have or Hold on to someone, the more they will find reasons to or choose to pull away. I would simply let him go...let him be free, and give him the time to determine if he loves you enough to see the good and not focus on the bad. If he comes back..after seeing you CAN really make it on your own..and will, then this may turn around. many relationships have times of separation that allow the partners to gain perspective and see what is really of value. If they get back together, it was their CHOICE and the relationships can be that much stronger.

    I agree trying to force someone to feel a certain way or do things that you think will help usually only makes things worse....some things must be worked out on ones own.

  4. #64
    Quote Originally Posted by elizabeth422 View Post
    I agree trying to force someone to feel a certain way or do things that you think will help usually only makes things worse....some things must be worked out on ones own.
    Yes, and you will gain a whole new respect..from the person you are trying to hold onto..and for yourself. It is hard as hell to get the strength to do this.especially if you are dependant..but it can be done..in most cases..and opens the door to many more good things..self esteem, courage, conviction, and personal growth. LET them go...and free yourself of the pain that comes with feeling not fully loved, appreciated and wanted or getting what you deserve.

    You must respect yourself first before someone will be able to really love you.
    "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda

  5. #65
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    My husband has checked the box now of caregiver

  6. #66
    Quote Originally Posted by sherocksandsherolls View Post
    Thank you for your honesty. You deserve nothing less than the ability to have and share your feelings.

    I was injured before my marriage. My husband..CHOOSE to be with me and live my life with me. I would not want it any other way. This is not for everyone. I am grateful that I had the opportunity to find someone who didn't have these negative thoughts about me or my situation. I hope one day your wife will have that opportunity. As you can imagine, it must be a burden for her as well...to know she is a burden to you..on top of what she already deals with. No blame. Just a statement.
    Thanks, I appreciate this forum as the surrogate therapist it is ;-)

    Please don't take this the wrong way, but seeking out a person with a disability with both eyes open knowing fully what you are in for, and having your family's world turned upside down at the answer of a police phone call, not knowing if it is a hospital ER or morgue your are heading to are, frankly, worlds apart. 10 months in a hospital/rehab and months in intensive care where life was an uncertainty, explaining to little ones why is mommy there? Stopping a life (her's) and trying to start it again in a completely different way are all the antithesis of starting a life with a non walker willingly IMO.

    I could no more leave my family than cut off my arm. Maybe it's not a choice for me?

    Still, your point is well taken. I know she feels like she is a burden to me and the kids. I get it. I try and belay her fears, but to no avail. Those are issues she refuses to get help for. Lead a horse to water. Same goes for me I guess. We both need to be talking with someone.

    She is an amazing person and tirelessly works(case manager at a children's hospital) to exhaustion. Of course the "world" only sees the happy face. We see the other quite often. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be here for me, so I guess it's as it should be. Still hard though. Harder than some, no where near as hard for others I am fully aware.

    Yes, we deal with the "burden" one quite a bit....and by deal I mean argue ;-)

  7. #67
    Quote Originally Posted by sherocksandsherolls View Post
    The only thing my husband complains about is my Politics! lol!

    I am a "extremist Liberal" hehheheee

    I mention how much of a "pain in the ass" I am sometimes and he always says "not at all" ...so maybe he is just being polite..
    LOL. I got called a communist yesterday during a spirited discussion of the concept of noblesse oblige and the fact that most rich people fell no compunction to give. I retorted "well, better than a corporate fascist. We should just do to you like they did to Mussolini." Plenty of gas stations near me ;-P

    Be proud of your leftism! It's not a dirty word.

  8. #68
    Quote Originally Posted by ibi View Post
    My husband has checked the box now of caregiver
    Please keep in mind the caregiver site is confidential and for caregivers.

  9. #69
    Quote Originally Posted by swharris View Post
    Thanks, I appreciate this forum as the surrogate therapist it is ;-)

    Please don't take this the wrong way, but seeking out a person with a disability with both eyes open knowing fully what you are in for, and having your family's world turned upside down at the answer of a police phone call, not knowing if it is a hospital ER or morgue your are heading to are, frankly, worlds apart. 10 months in a hospital/rehab and months in intensive care where life was an uncertainty, explaining to little ones why is mommy there? Stopping a life (her's) and trying to start it again in a completely different way are all the antithesis of starting a life with a non walker willingly IMO.

    I could no more leave my family than cut off my arm. Maybe it's not a choice for me?

    Still, your point is well taken. I know she feels like she is a burden to me and the kids. I get it. I try and belay her fears, but to no avail. Those are issues she refuses to get help for. Lead a horse to water. Same goes for me I guess. We both need to be talking with someone.

    She is an amazing person and tirelessly works(case manager at a children's hospital) to exhaustion. Of course the "world" only sees the happy face. We see the other quite often. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, she'd be here for me, so I guess it's as it should be. Still hard though. Harder than some, no where near as hard for others I am fully aware.

    Yes, we deal with the "burden" one quite a bit....and by deal I mean argue ;-)
    You know..you said your wife was a C 6 Incomplete..with hand function. That describes me. I do not require any caregiving...and that is in part as I keep my weight down..so I can transfer safely. She should not require any help with cathing, bathing etc either. You also say she cannot have sex due to AD..well that is frankly unfair for you..so you must research this issue and work on it together. Not fair to just say "can't do it" and done. You will read here that some woman may need lubrication..it may be as simple as that. But a marriage is a partnership and a contract..imo..that you do not willingly change to the point where your spouse can no longer have access to what the marriage meant. Sex, attraction, and sitting in a seat in the theatre with her head on your shoulder are all still possible with her injury level. I say you should start to see someone first...then she may join..or you may decide that if she doesn't, she isn't meeting her end of this marriage deal.
    "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda

  10. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by LindaT View Post
    Please keep in mind the caregiver site is confidential and for caregivers.
    I am aware of that, and have no intention of being on this site, With my husbands long hours at work he doesn't have a lot of down time. I have been involved with setting him up for this private forum because our relationship is suffering because he is struggling with all the disability barriers and caregiving. He needs a support group that truly understands what he is dealing with. I am only trying to help him and our relationship. I am hopeful that this site can help him with the struggles he is facing. He loves me and wants to be with me but doesn't know if he has the strength to keep dealing with the disability barriers. Our future is undecided right now and I am hoping this will help him choose which path to take. Right now he feels torn, he has stayed with me for 30 years beacause our love for ech other is strong, but over time the barriers are sometimes overwhelming and he doesn't know if he can keep on going.

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