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Thread: Spouse is tired of dealing with disability, but still loves me

  1. #11

    Wow!

    .....
    Last edited by Patton57; 09-10-2012 at 05:32 PM. Reason: not being very nice

  2. #12
    The best advice has already been given, encourage your SO to experience life outside of your caregiving needs. Have him do things on his own but keep the communication open. I've been with my partner for 22 years we've found it absolutely necessary for him to find interests of his own, but that doesn't mean I can't live vicariously through him.

  3. #13
    peterf, your inappropriate post was removed AGAIN by me, not Ami. Do not post here again with that type inappropriate comment.

    I would advise other caregivers to join and post sensitive threads like this in the private Caregiver's Forum as soon as you can join, rather than in this forum which any spammer, troll or inappropriate member can access.

    Thanks.

    (KLD)

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by Ben Rolfe View Post
    The best advice has already been given, encourage your SO to experience life outside of your caregiving needs. Have him do things on his own but keep the communication open. I've been with my partner for 22 years we've found it absolutely necessary for him to find interests of his own, but that doesn't mean I can't live vicariously through him.

    For my entire life, I have done what I can do and enjoy. When I cannot do certain things or I have no interest in an activity, I encourage family and friends to go without me. It makes life more interesting when we are next together as we each have different things to discuss and share. I don't want anyone held back because I cannot physically do something. It's a burden on me I do refuse to carry.

    To the OP, even couples where both are ab go and do things separately. This is not the domain of only those of us who are dis.

    Encourage him to do the things he loves, with or without you. Find your own interests and hobbies. Find your own bliss and follow the hell out of it. If the two of you can adopt an attitude of zero guilt for having separate hobbies and interests while being supportive, encouraging and loving with each other, it can strengthen your relationship. No partnership does well for long when the partners are together 24/7.

    BTW, if you can manage it financially, hire someone to assist you with the part-time care your husband provides for you. It may begin to put more of a spark in the relationship if the two of you relate as partners, not caregiver and person requiring assistance.

    Keep us posted, okay?

  5. #15
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    Thank you for your input and honesty. I never thought that may be part of him doesn't go do the things he or we would have enjoyed together because he feels guilty that he can and I can't. I really don't know if that is the case, but I am sure going to ask him. I know for me I have always felt frustrated and couldn't understand why he wouldn't do those things with friends and then tell me about the experience so I can share in his experience that way. He always just keeps saying that he doesn't want to do it with anyone, he wants to do it with me. So thinking about it now... I have been feeling guilty that he isn't doing those things he or we would have enjoyed. The therapist mentioned at last councelling session basically the same thing that I was blaming myself for his choice to not do those things. I know I told him I was scared that one day he would resent me because he has given up those things. He said he doesn't resent me in any way. Yet I still worry that one day he will, even though I have pushed him to keep doing those things and he has chosen not too. The therapist feels he has attached a line to my chair, and wont do those things. He does do some things without me, he goes golfing in a mens league once a week and usually takes a week away on his own or with his buddies, or a couple weekends away quadding or getting firewood. He is getting into horse back riding because our daughter is very involved. He has been to the mountains with her for a weekend, and we are in the process of looking for a horse for him to buy so he can enjoy it with his daughter, maybe join adult riding and start to enjoy things and still be able to share it with me as I can go with him and be there while grooming and tacking horse etc. then sharing the rest of the experience. I would never resent him for doing these things without me I have tried to encourage him to do these things for as long as I can remeber. Yes seeing him enjoy these things that could make him happy again would make me so happy because I love him with all my heart and I feel he gave up so much to be devoted to me all these years.

    You hit the nail on the head when you talk about always being the last one in bed, always having to put me to bed after a long day at work, regardless if he has a migrane and bending doing the task kills his head. We did change that about 2 years ago, I have care givers put me to bed 5 nights a week.I have had a care giver for bowel/shower days for the last 20 years. He does always get me up in mornings and of course is my back up infortuneatly if I am having a problem with my bowels or bladder leakage. Not that it happens a lot but it does happen.

    I am going to ask my husband to maybe join in the posts and share his feelings in case I am not quite expessing it properly. He likes to solve things on his own, but he also admits he needs to talk about it to someone who can understand, and that is someone in the a similar situation.

  6. #16
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    I am in the caregiving forum, not sure how to go into a private one?

  7. #17
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    There is a private caregiving forum that only approved people (only caregivers, so you wouldn't actually be able to join, KLD was confused I think that you were a caregiver yourself) can join in. If your husband joins, have him send a private message to obieone and she will grant you access to the forum. Then only caregivers will see the messages.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by LaMemChose View Post
    For my entire life, I have done what I can do and enjoy. When I cannot do certain things or I have no interest in an activity, I encourage family and friends to go without me. It makes life more interesting when we are next together as we each have different things to discuss and share. I don't want anyone held back because I cannot physically do something. It's a burden on me I do refuse to carry.

    To the OP, even couples where both are ab go and do things separately. This is not the domain of only those of us who are dis.

    Encourage him to do the things he loves, with or without you. Find your own interests and hobbies. Find your own bliss and follow the hell out of it. If the two of you can adopt an attitude of zero guilt for having separate hobbies and interests while being supportive, encouraging and loving with each other, it can strengthen your relationship. No partnership does well for long when the partners are together 24/7.

    BTW, if you can manage it financially, hire someone to assist you with the part-time care your husband provides for you. It may begin to put more of a spark in the relationship if the two of you relate as partners, not caregiver and person requiring assistance.

    Keep us posted, okay?
    Thank you, you make a good point about me having my interests and pursuing things for me. I had been working out of the home till about 5 years ago, have become very involved working for my husband's renovation company. Doing quotes, scheduling, books etc. I love doing this job because I know it takes a lot of stress and pressure off him. But one thing I have noticed is that we end up talking business too much, there are always things to prepare and organize. So at breakfast we organize day, go over quotes I did the day before etc. at supper we talk about his day and mine (mostly work related) evening 2x a week he has appointments, golf. He gets home 9 930 and I get put to bhed at 10:00. No real time for "us" I am asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. I get out twice a week swimming and errands, groceries etc. With our daughter being 18 we will be empty nesters soon and need to see where our relationship is with out all kids involvements. I need to find something outside the home to do for myself that I enjoy and that can bring new discussions back into our relationship as well. So you have made a good point and I am going to start planning for that, I was waiting for summer to be over first. Summer is way too short here to be working.lol

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by zillazangel View Post
    There is a private caregiving forum that only approved people (only caregivers, so you wouldn't actually be able to join, KLD was confused I think that you were a caregiver yourself) can join in. If your husband joins, have him send a private message to obieone and she will grant you access to the forum. Then only caregivers will see the messages.
    Oh okay thanks

  10. #20
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    I would also like to ask you about the physical things that you have to give up. He is sometimes just tired of always having to be the one to come to me, in bed he has to come to me to be close, I can never go to him and nestle behind him, we just can't spoon we don't fit like we used to, he holds me for so long then he is uncomfortable. He misses me coming up behind him while he is standing, sitting on the couch with him, not being eye to eye. Being intimate the limited positions, he has to do all the work. Sometimes he says he is in bed with me but he feels alone and lonely. Each on our own sides. He misses the simple affections. Hugs are always half body hugs when in chair. How do you deal with all these feelings?

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