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Thread: Shrooms, spasms, jeez...

  1. #51
    I must now say no to street drugs. Besides these opiades are the shit.

  2. #52
    Senior Member DaleB's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Van Quad View Post
    Drinking reindeer pee. Maybe that's why it's called Lapland.
    Only one person has to drink reindeer pee. 6-7 others can just drink the 'deer drinker's pee.

    Bethany, IMO, a recreational high using any chemical is a foolhardy and dangerous endeavor.

    And, if you have heart issues, or you're pregnant, indeed, avoid riding roller coasters. Thanks for sharing some of the pjarmocology of psilocybin.

    Common sense, self awareness, obtaining knowledge, and personal responsibility always apply.

    There is use and there is abuse. Not all are motivated by adolescent escapism or chasing 'party highs'. I shake my head, everytime, I hear of someone dosing up before going clubbing, or partying, or to a concert, and their world turns terrifying to them, or they experience a 'bad trip'. No shit, really?!?

    The poverty of language plaguing the word 'drug' has had one direct effect of creating a poverty of thought, ideals, and ideas on the subject. Including, and especially, the infantalization of their use, to primarily satisfy western adolescent desires.
    __________________

    He who hears not me but the Logos will say: All is one.

  3. #53
    One can hope for deep insight when one is 19. One will likely just experience hypothermia...or that was my experience.

  4. #54
    Old thread, but whatever.

    I had the very same experience.
    It must have been 6 years ago that I decided to try shrooms. It was my first time and I was 5 yrs post injury.

    I'm cautious when experimenting with any drug for the first time, so I only took 1g, maybe less.

    I found it to be quite enjoyable, felt euphoric, dream like, with some closed eye visuals.

    Up until the muscle spasms and tightness occurred..

    My quad hands tightened up, and I could not pry my fingers open for the life of me, and when I tried, the spasticity would just intensify.
    My legs were also tight. Any movement or shift in my body would set me off shaking.

    Long story long, had a couple valiums and that was the end of my short lived trip.


    It's a shame, I would like to experience more with psychedelics, but the increased spasticity is not enjoyable.


    I want to try MDMA, for depression. We'll see.

  5. #55
    I would highly recommend not doing that! I did quite a bit of MDMA, and went to one of the best strip clubs in Las Vegas. Well let's just say it was absolute torture;and I'm not being a drama queen about this. MDMA is known as a sex party drug , It makes your libido go through the roof, and it heightens sensation it's been known to make normal sex seem obsolete after. like myself you have expressed your deep "Frustrations" when it comes to, well anything to do with sex after SCI, especially high complete injuries with no sensation in 90% of the body obviously genitals and hands are the most problematic when it comes to sex. Well MDMA did just what it supposed to do do four years of no sexual relief, caught up, nerve pain went through the roof but whatever; the strip club I went to was unbelievable, number one rated in Vegas the girls word goddesses of sex appeal; it was paradise yet for me at the same time absolute hell. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas so I'll skip over the details but it's pretty self-explanatory as a very sick, riddled with secondary complications complete C-5 quadriplegic what I did. Anyways I had my hopes up, I finally felt like a somewhat normal man in terms of my arousal level since the loss of my connection to the genitals; sex drive/libido normal,but full body mind and body numbing arousal when being stimulated physically or visually never been remotely the same until that point at least with the visual. So I expected maybe because of the drug I will feel something which will lead me to some kind of relief. But when I engaged just left before I could feel literally nothing, close my eyes couldn't even tell I was laying in the bed other than my head touching a pillow let alone that I had someone "Attacking me" reach out to feel with hand Felt nothing again couldn't tell anyone was there other than with my ears and eyes; which really only served to frustrate!

    It was all too real, and all to disheartening and tragic! Sex, closeness, pleasure, ecstasy, orgasm, crazy positioning was completely and utterly unattainable. Other then a pharmaceutical induced, fully partner dependent, mundane, stagnant (other than leg spasms that have to be held in place with large metal braces I know sexy and oh so convenient) I guess I guess it's called sex still just with no build up and sure as hell no release, let alone climax. Guess I'll just take solitude in the fact that I can still kind of sleaze most slightly pleasurable thing my body can produce now!

    If you're thinking you will find peace will high on MDMA, a brief escape from your injury induced "depression" unlikely especially if you are a dependent, with things like high spasticity, nerve pain, chronic infections and other sicknesses to remind you of that every couple of minutes.

  6. #56
    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    I would highly recommend not doing that! I did quite a bit of MDMA, and went to one of the best strip clubs in Las Vegas. Well let's just say it was absolute torture;and I'm not being a drama queen about this. MDMA is known as a sex party drug , It makes your libido go through the roof, and it heightens sensation it's been known to make normal sex seem obsolete after. like myself you have expressed your deep "Frustrations" when it comes to, well anything to do with sex after SCI, especially high complete injuries with no sensation in 90% of the body obviously genitals and hands are the most problematic when it comes to sex. Well MDMA did just what it supposed to do do four years of no sexual relief, caught up, nerve pain went through the roof but whatever; the strip club I went to was unbelievable, number one rated in Vegas the girls word goddesses of sex appeal; it was paradise yet for me at the same time absolute hell. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas so I'll skip over the details but it's pretty self-explanatory as a very sick, riddled with secondary complications complete C-5 quadriplegic what I did. Anyways I had my hopes up, I finally felt like a somewhat normal man in terms of my arousal level since the loss of my connection to the genitals; sex drive/libido normal,but full body mind and body numbing arousal when being stimulated physically or visually never been remotely the same until that point at least with the visual. So I expected maybe because of the drug I will feel something which will lead me to some kind of relief. But when I engaged just left before I could feel literally nothing, close my eyes couldn't even tell I was laying in the bed other than my head touching a pillow let alone that I had someone "Attacking me" reach out to feel with hand Felt nothing again couldn't tell anyone was there other than with my ears and eyes; which really only served to frustrate!

    It was all too real, and all to disheartening and tragic! Sex, closeness, pleasure, ecstasy, orgasm, crazy positioning was completely and utterly unattainable. Other then a pharmaceutical induced, fully partner dependent, mundane, stagnant (other than leg spasms that have to be held in place with large metal braces I know sexy and oh so convenient) I guess I guess it's called sex still just with no build up and sure as hell no release, let alone climax. Guess I'll just take solitude in the fact that I can still kind of sleaze most slightly pleasurable thing my body can produce now!

    If you're thinking you will find peace will high on MDMA, a brief escape from your injury induced "depression" unlikely especially if you are a dependent, with things like high spasticity, nerve pain, chronic infections and other sicknesses to remind you of that every couple of minutes.



    Well, fuck..

    I'm aware of the sexual heightening effect that mdma can produce, though I didn't even consider how that would serve to frustrate me even further. Thanks for the heads up.
    I don't think it's possible to become more frustrated, though. I have an overactive sex drive (still), but am tortured with the inability to act on it.
    My instincts want to fuck.
    It's not really something that I am able to ignore.
    I can not just grieve my loss of sexuality, accept that, and move on.
    No. Not when I'm constantly craving it. Not when I see a pretty girl in the street who I'd like to plug.

    These instinctual urges creep back in at every corner.


    Unfortunately 'sex' as a quad is not enjoyable.
    It's a physical, emotional, and mental disaster.

    I can't suppress this shit. I feel like a fucking monk.



    Back to mdma
    I guess I am just looking for an escape. More so just an enjoyable experience.
    I haven't had fun or been excited about anything since prior to my injury.

    I can't even drink alcohol or I'll shit myself.
    My life revolves around my bowel program, and I don't do anything that would compromise it. Even if that means leading a boring as fuck alcohol free life.

  7. #57
    Quote Originally Posted by eskay View Post
    Well, fuck..

    I'm aware of the sexual heightening effect that mdma can produce, though I didn't even consider how that would serve to frustrate me even further. Thanks for the heads up.
    I don't think it's possible to become more frustrated, though. I have an overactive sex drive (still), but am tortured with the inability to act on it.
    My instincts want to fuck.
    It's not really something that I am able to ignore.
    I can not just grieve my loss of sexuality, accept that, and move on.
    No. Not when I'm constantly craving it. Not when I see a pretty girl in the street who I'd like to plug.

    These instinctual urges creep back in at every corner.


    Unfortunately 'sex' as a quad is not enjoyable.
    It's a physical, emotional, and mental disaster.

    I can't suppress this shit. I feel like a fucking monk.



    Back to mdma
    I guess I am just looking for an escape. More so just an enjoyable experience.
    I haven't had fun or been excited about anything since prior to my injury.

    I can't even drink alcohol or I'll shit myself.
    My life revolves around my bowel program, and I don't do anything that would compromise it. Even if that means leading a boring as fuck alcohol free life.
    I understand completely it's like the closest thing to an honourable sustaining decision you can make. One time I got a little too, I don't know comfortable in the situation; which led me to decide I could take a train down to my hometown and visit a friend for the night. He was having a house party I figured I'd take the train take a taxi to his place have a few drinks party with him before he took off to Indonesia, either sleep in my chair or get him to help me in bed (which I really don't like considering the sleeping in my underwear usually leads to a catheter getting pinched which means pissing all over myself and somebody's furniture, which means I have to be stripped completely spasming and rolling around it's disgusting) . Anyways I got to his place it was a good time, I was not impressed with myself by any means I took a fucking train but I was just thankful to be away from a caregiver for once; closest thing to feeling like a young man with even A faint glimmer of independence and freedom despite having to expect my friend to help with certain things. anyways I shit myself, long story short real bad really bad it was leaking over the side of my chair, people were obviously talking about it at same time pretending it didn't happen. Whether someone told my friend or he found out himself he inquired, I begged him to just let me sit in my chair and I did take the train back sitting in my own shit I don't give a fuck about bedsores or infections. I was very inebriated or else I would not have allowed it thought that I could do much but I would've made quite the scene, crying in utter shame. But he would not allow that so he just pick me up, obviously not much I can do and my best friend since grade one had to strip me down spray me off get the shit out of my anus and ass crack all while my body spasms and made it worse etc. No amount of stem cells will ever heal that scar! Needless to say I learned a lesson, a lot of disabled people have said all who cares what a petty thing to get worked up about to which my only response is pure bafflement; I don't want to go anywhere near that kind of mentality where such A shamefully undignified and truly pathetic situation it's just considered no big deal brush it off and congratulate yourself for brushing it off... WAH!

    Another thing to remember is drugs like that do you have an effect on your spinal fluid, my health has been spiralling out of control steadily since the accident but you never know what little thing plays a part. Something to just keep in mind!
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 09-05-2016 at 01:28 AM.

  8. #58
    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    I understand completely it's like the closest thing to an honourable sustaining decision you can make. One time I got a little too, I don't know comfortable in the situation; which led me to decide I could take a train down to my hometown and visit a friend for the night. He was having a house party I figured I'd take the train take a taxi to his place have a few drinks party with him before he took off to Indonesia, either sleep in my chair or get him to help me in bed (which I really don't like considering the sleeping in my underwear usually leads to a catheter getting pinched which means pissing all over myself and somebody's furniture, which means I have to be stripped completely spasming and rolling around it's disgusting) . Anyways I got to his place it was a good time, I was not impressed with myself by any means I took a fucking train but I was just thankful to be away from a caregiver for once; closest thing to feeling like a young man with even A faint glimmer of independence and freedom despite having to expect my friend to help with certain things. anyways I shit myself, long story short real bad really bad it was leaking over the side of my chair, people were obviously talking about it at same time pretending it didn't happen. Whether someone told my friend or he found out himself he inquired, I begged him to just let me sit in my chair and I did take the train back sitting in my own shit I don't give a fuck about bedsores or infections. I was very inebriated or else I would not have allowed it thought that I could do much but I would've made quite the scene, crying in utter shame. But he would not allow that so he just pick me up, obviously not much I can do and my best friend since grade one had to strip me down spray me off get the shit out of my anus and ass crack all while my body spasms and made it worse etc. No amount of stem cells will ever heal that scar! Needless to say I learned a lesson, a lot of disabled people have said all who cares what a petty thing to get worked up about to which my only response is pure bafflement; I don't want to go anywhere near that kind of mentality where such A shamefully undignified and truly pathetic situation it's just considered no big deal brush it off and congratulate yourself for brushing it off... WAH!

    Another thing to remember is drugs like that do you have an effect on your spinal fluid, my health has been spiralling out of control steadily since the accident but you never know what little thing plays a part. Something to just keep in mind!


    Man, I don't know how you endured that..
    There is no way in fuck I could ever have a bro clean me up like that. I know you were drunk as hell, but I still couldn't see myself subjecting someone to such a disgusting and personal task.
    Bowel accidents deeply affect me. I mean deeply.
    They are the epitome of dependence.
    I feel like a fucking child and am disgusted with myself for even days after I have one. (fortunately not often anymore)

    But if I was out, as you were, and something like that happened. With people around and no where to fucking go.
    I feel that I could and quite possibly would have attempted to end my life.
    I don't mean to sound dramatic, but that would be too much to bear.

  9. #59
    Quote Originally Posted by eskay View Post
    Man, I don't know how you endured that..
    There is no way in fuck I could ever have a bro clean me up like that. I know you were drunk as hell, but I still couldn't see myself subjecting someone to such a disgusting and personal task.
    Bowel accidents deeply affect me. I mean deeply.
    They are the epitome of dependence.
    I feel like a fucking child and am disgusted with myself for even days after I have one. (fortunately not often anymore)

    But if I was out, as you were, and something like that happened. With people around and no where to fucking go.
    I feel that I could and quite possibly would have attempted to end my life.
    I don't mean to sound dramatic, but that would be too much to bear.
    How do you stop an able-bodied person picking you up out of the chair, I told him not to he wasn't having any of it. Like I said bedsore, infections, all that didn't matter I was just going to sleep in my chair set in the shit all night and catch a train in the morning would've smelled something awful and I don't know if I would've been able to get on the train like that but that didn't matter to me at the time. But like I said he just did it,now it's done. And now I have to look at myself in the mirror and some how have self-respect! What am I talking about self-respect was gone a long time ago, I'm supposed to look in the mirror and not slit my throat well guess what I couldn't even if I wanted do!

    What's really disturbing as it's not any different from any other day, I have my parents pull the shit in my ass. I can't get it out myself I have no bowel function, I can't use my hands I do a thing about it. Getting cleaned up is disgusting and it's Beyond words that no one should be alive if that's how they have to live, but it's not bowel care. I'am a little confused as to how you are so disgusted by a bowel accident that you emphasize it as if it's more disgusting than the bowel care that you obviously have to willingly do! Cause bowel care somehow steps it up a level you are being penetrated to have someone manually remove your filth for you! It can often take a couple hours first they shove a suppository up your ass to get things started, then the "digital stem" a.k.a. someone's finger up your ass or circling your anus needs to be done multiple times till you're done and they'll have to tell you when that is! Now I don't know your level, whether you are incomplete or complete and or how your bowels work because everyone seems to respond differently to every little detail of SCI;maybe you can do bowel care all on your own, maybe all you need is a suppository then you efficiently empty out without any touches. But me it takes at least two hours requires at least one suppository, and multiple touches over that time and I go dysreflexia every single Touch and/or movement which really compared to how mentally and spiritually damaging bowel care is doesn't mean much just a little salt in the wound. So I am put in a fucked up situation where I can either have my parents do it ( Pay them $76,000 a year, not to mention their own settlement they will get later on whether I'm here or not) or I can just open up my asshole to a Bunch of different nurses every other day. I have not remotely been able to just let a new person come in every other day to touch my ass, all the caregivers we hire I could never let them do it. I'd rather be dead and am disgusted/tormented with myself every day as it is. And this is what blows my mind, this is why I'm so perplexed by it every fucking day; why I was kept alive when I have to resort to such disgusting, undignified extreme measures!!? I'm going to have to be a anally penetrated every day for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to have them shoving suppositories up my ass for the rest of my life; it is wrong, it is wrong on every way that it could be. But "modern medicine" makes the decision to "save my life", they don't explain all of the procedures you're going to have to do and then ask your decision before they save your life! They just assume that you as an individual would rather have your ass stuffed then die!!! And here I am evidently I would which just rips me apart makes me hate myself absolutely repulsed!

    I begged them to leave me at that accident site I fully accepted my death! But they didn't, so I asked them to kill me in the hospital they would not do it ( assisted suicide was not legal back then oh the irony ) my family constantly would talk me out of it wouldn't help because of guilt. Eventually it was a year post, then two, then four. Now here I am four years of the most disgusting undignified procedures that I didn't even know existed, nobody should know that this kind of shit exists no pun intended! Evidently it's the ultimate taboo that people in the spinal cord injury community just don't talk about other than how to improve bowel movements the details, the reality, the gravity of the situation is never discussed! We are just supposed to ignore such a "petty" aspect,and just offer our Full bowel to the next available assistant and call it strength and resilience...

    So I go out, I partied, I get with friends, go on a vacation, do what I can, read, study,look into starting a business all to just make such undignified fucking procedures worth it. BUT Everything that I really value in life, everything I genuinely enjoy is no longer remotely possible; I am left with only options a very severely injured C-5 riddled with secondary complications can do, all of which are other people suggestions that I don't really care for but are my only options and are also always dependent on some able-bodied person, whether it's just to drive, get me out of my chair into the equipment or other vehicle etc. even if The things in life I truly do value and enjoy were possible doesn't matter NOTHING I repeat nothing can possibly justify such a fucking disgusting act. So here I am four years post I have a few million settlement that should be settled anywhere from a month to four months from now. I have used that as justification, and truthfully I do feel strongly about how nobody deserves to suffer like this nobody deserves to have to resort to such a disgusting lifestyle of dependency and indignity because of one accident, in fact I could not feel stronger about anything! If I'm going to end my life that money has to be in my bank account so I can leave it to sci research to rid this world of such filth,five will is already in place! But to make matters more complicated there is another settlement that will take at least another year, it's much larger in fact it would probably be enough for me to see substantial recovery because the technology is here right now and I could fund it and I put my body on the line to get these technologies used together as a combination. But I don't know if I can fucking lower myself to live like this for another year, I've learned my mistake I won't be doing anything like what happened I will never be having a friend clean the piss or shit off me ever again , Even if I have to resort to physically attacking ( not that a quadriplegic can do much damage ) them for trying to forcibly help me it's not happening again. If I go that settlement will go too, i'm slowly caring less and less, the only slight justification I can think of is helping sci is so much bigger than me or anyone I know...

    You don't know how I endured that.
    Well in reality I didn't endure anything, to say "endure" pretty much has a tone of accomplishment "wow how did you do it". I don't care what anyone says that is not remotely the case with what happened, no what happened was I succumbed, I have lived as a pathetic dependent for so long that I analyze the situation as a dependent and knew that I needed to clean it and pathetically I was not able to do it. God be heard I did not ask my friend to help me; if I were to ever do something like that just look over to my friend and say "I had an accident do you think you could help me" I have no words to describe what kind of thing that would make me. As I said infections, bedsores all of that nonsense didn't matter to me I was fully prepared to sit in the chair, is it man I should be ready to die in that chair rather than have my friend clean me up. But like I said my friend didn't allow that and me being drunk really helped me not fight back. but as I said before to get to my caregiver I had to take a train, if I didn't change the smell, well I don't think I would've been able to get on the train even if they let me that is just not acceptable to do that to The other passengers. If I was sober I would've likely just left which would've required people's help more than just my friend at least two guys would've had to bend down near where I have shit to help lift my chair down a few stairs and then I would've waited outside and called my mother to come down covering all expenses, paying her etc. there's no good option, sadly suicide is well at the time completely illogical and not for the reason you think.


    What you are referring to, having an accident and then killing yourself is what is known as honour killing and in such a situation that is exactly what it is in every sense of the way. This isn't some disturbed Islamic honour killings, where a father kills his daughter because she wore shorts this would literally be an act to be quite literally preserve a shred of your own honor, a definite honour that is universal no matter how you look at it,even though identify honour is very rare in today's pampering society; The avoidance of being a burden, avoiding indignity, not disgracing yourself no matter the cost. I've been like this for four years, death has always been on my mind and I know it all too well and it's methodology, frankly I'm a little surprised by what you said it makes me doubt your resolve and/or knowledge towards your claim that you would just kill yourself. Let's analyze the situation:

    Keep in mind that just because I decide now it's times to killing myself I don't magically turn able-bodied, I still have the "tools" of a severe quadriplegic which means I'am basically some able-bodied person's responsibility it also means that a lot of options are not viable.

    So in the reality of the situation there were two scenarios when I first found out I shit myself outside, and inside my friends house when I asked him just let me sleep in the chair.

    Scenario one: can't load a gun, can't use a knife efficiently, can't get to the highway; most importantly there's a lot of people there, including my best friend and his family that have done a lot for me. The only real option drive my wheelchair into their pool. as you can imagine people would be going in after me, people always have their eyes on me as a dependent disabled I am a liability! around the pool people watch me like a hawk. Obviously the smart thing to do would be wait till everyone left, well there were numerous people sleeping there; that splash isn't going to go unnoticed. Let's not forget that when I'm in the pool all of the filth that's in my pants is going to seep out into the water that's going to be real pretty, so let's say nobody hears the splash and that's what I offer my friend and his family the next morning A cripple that shit himself then drowned himself in their pool and spread his shit throughout their pool water.

    Scenario two: I could attempt to drive my wheelchair down his stairs, not likely to kill me despite the wheelchair potentially crushing me still not enough to kill definitely enough to seriously injure also my shit will be going everywhere and their stairway and hallway will be destroyed for A number of different reasons. No the best option would be to go into his kitchen and hopefully his cutlery is my arm function reachable and go at myself with a knife, again someone's going to find me even if they don't I'm going to be leaving behind one hell of a mess. And I hate knives, I don't have the balls for it I would need to be able bodied and have the luxurious function to have the liberty to grab a knife and plunge it into myself in my deepest and most impactful moments of despair that really only last maximum an hour! The kind of despair where you lose grasp that's when people pull triggers or jump off buildings sadly. It's sad because their function gave them the ability to do it at the most irrational moment, had they let things calm down they likely wouldn't of done it, which is why so many survivors say they regretted it. However that's the thing about quadriplegic suicide, it needs to be planned out and committed to long-term so it's always likely to be done in a calm rational mind; despite many ignorant people trying to write it off as severe depression, killing yourself because of being a undignified dependent with no integrity, privacy or freedom is perfectly rational! Anyways got off subject.

    You're probably thinking that OK you wouldn't of been able to do it in a way to prevent yourself from being cleaned up by your friend. But I would've done it afterwards, I understand maybe you would maybe you wouldn't; I certainly thought about it, but didn't commit. Nonetheless the best options, Same thing drive myself into a body of water, or in front of someone's vehicle although I don't like that why should I traumatize someone else; I had to catch a train, the train might be a good option. But I didn't... For a number of reasons, I die at this point and that money doesn't go where it should go, my family/friends no explanation done, gone out of the blue, not wanting to scar people unfortunate enough to see it or worse get someone hurt and/or killed trying to help me, and yes I will always admit fear played a part. Only idiotic cowards Who have no idea what they're talking about would say otherwise, similar to people that say suicide is the cowards way out.

    At the end of the day I'm "old-fashioned", I want to do it myself if that's the way I'm going! I want to do it in private where no one else will be affected by its method just me, I want to be completely alone as a test that only I would understand and as a punishment for my own reasons! The new assisted suicide, and the place in Switzerland can offer me that if the time comes. I have a lot of decisions to make this year! As of right now the only way I could end my life myself, guaranteed efficient and without involving/damaging someone else is starvation and or letting my bladder and bowels be untreated. Basically let quadriplegia go untreated by refusing any kind of treatment, be one hell of a way to go and awful ugly but you'll certainly go. Which is why I argue that quadriplegia is terminal. Anyways, you kind of opened Pandora's box there.…
    Last edited by JamesMcM; 09-06-2016 at 11:47 PM.

  10. #60
    Quote Originally Posted by JamesMcM View Post
    How do you stop an able-bodied person picking you up out of the chair, I told him not to he wasn't having any of it. Like I said bedsore, infections, all that didn't matter I was just going to sleep in my chair set in the shit all night and catch a train in the morning would've smelled something awful and I don't know if I would've been able to get on the train like that but that didn't matter to me at the time. But like I said he just did it,now it's done. And now I have to look at myself in the mirror and some how have self-respect! What am I talking about self-respect was gone a long time ago, I'm supposed to look in the mirror and not slit my throat well guess what I couldn't even if I wanted do!

    What's really disturbing as it's not any different from any other day, I have my parents pull the shit in my ass. I can't get it out myself I have no bowel function, I can't use my hands I do a thing about it. Getting cleaned up is disgusting and it's Beyond words that no one should be alive if that's how they have to live, but it's not bowel care. I'am a little confused as to how you are so disgusted by a bowel accident that you emphasize it as if it's more disgusting than the bowel care that you obviously have to willingly do! Cause bowel care somehow steps it up a level you are being penetrated to have someone manually remove your filth for you! It can often take a couple hours first they shove a suppository up your ass to get things started, then the "digital stem" a.k.a. someone's finger up your ass or circling your anus needs to be done multiple times till you're done and they'll have to tell you when that is! Now I don't know your level, whether you are incomplete or complete and or how your bowels work because everyone seems to respond differently to every little detail of SCI;maybe you can do bowel care all on your own, maybe all you need is a suppository then you efficiently empty out without any touches. But me it takes at least two hours requires at least one suppository, and multiple touches over that time and I go dysreflexia every single Touch and/or movement which really compared to how mentally and spiritually damaging bowel care is doesn't mean much just a little salt in the wound. So I am put in a fucked up situation where I can either have my parents do it ( Pay them $76,000 a year, not to mention their own settlement they will get later on whether I'm here or not) or I can just open up my asshole to a Bunch of different nurses every other day. I have not remotely been able to just let a new person come in every other day to touch my ass, all the caregivers we hire I could never let them do it. I'd rather be dead and am disgusted/tormented with myself every day as it is. And this is what blows my mind, this is why I'm so perplexed by it every fucking day; why I was kept alive when I have to resort to such disgusting, undignified extreme measures!!? I'm going to have to be a anally penetrated every day for the rest of my life, I'm going to have to have them shoving suppositories up my ass for the rest of my life; it is wrong, it is wrong on every way that it could be. But "modern medicine" makes the decision to "save my life", they don't explain all of the procedures you're going to have to do and then ask your decision before they save your life! They just assume that you as an individual would rather have your ass stuffed then die!!! And here I am evidently I would which just rips me apart makes me hate myself absolutely repulsed!

    Well, you lived it and I hadn't. You shone some light on things that I wouldn't have considered.

    Hearing a story like that, it's hard to swallow.
    It could have happened to any one of us.


    And in all honesty, I do not know what I would have done.
    Impulsively, thoughts of suicide would have been prevalent. Obviously

    Realistically, committing that act in that atmosphere as it were, not practical.


    When I say endure, I do not mean it as some feat or accomplishment.
    It was a fucked up situation which you had little control over.


    You are right about how a bowel routine can be just as (if not more) degrading than a bowel accident.
    I had to think about how I am able justify that.
    Don't get me wrong, I am deeply disturbed by having caregivers do digital simulations. I was actually just talking about that in another thread
    I suppose I have gotten *used* to the bowel routine. That's as far as it goes.
    In the Toilet or in the pants. Digital stim or cleaning shit off my nuts. The lesser of evils, the double-edged sword
    They're both awful and affect me greatly.

    I too experience AD whenever digital stim, and I am a c5/6 complete.


    James, your posts shed light on what most people fail to recognize. You have my respect and I know many others appreciate that honesty and realism as well.
    You've done more in your 4 years than I've done in my 11, in many aspects.
    I'd be a shame if you'd decide to end things, as you have the ability to communicate and advocate quite well. Although I could hardly blame a quad for wanting to end it.
    Stay well, brother
    Last edited by eskay; 09-07-2016 at 01:48 AM.

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