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Thread: Wife as Caregiver

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by GoBig View Post
    KS I am sorry to put this on CG site but that is how i felt because she does everything. She also suffers from a deal of depression from my dilema.

    Mimz Thanks for the response. I find it difficult to ignite a fire when the pain is so difficult. We have gone to dinner only to be interupted by my little friend.

    Thanks to all.
    Bigz, no worries.

    The little friend of big pain seems to go wherever we are. It helps me to breathe through it.

    I have recently become the most social I have been in almost two decades. My pain did not go away. in fact, it is worse when I am tired as I am less able to cope and deal. The more fatigued I am, the greater the pain and the more it takes mentally and physically for me to function, especially around others. Still, the tradeoff for being with others and enjoying what I can is huge.

    I try to remind myself I need to eat no matter where I am, whether home or in a restaurant or at a friend's home. When I hurt the most, I do not talk or interact with others as much and I just listen more to those I am with. Even that helps as I cannot get too far into my own head and pain if I am focused on others.

    I almost had a meltdown a couple of days ago. I was hot, tired, and in big pain. The day had been going really well, but I had hit my limit on coping and adapting. I had been grocery shopping at the time and knew I was still a half hour away from being home again and alone. i simply told those I was with I was exhausted and in pain. I was told they knew because my face was beat red. Apparently, I turn colors when I hurt most. Just saying how I felt without blaming anyone else, including myself, helped.

    Don't know if that helps in anyway, but I cope as best I can. It's what we all do. There are times I am better at it than others.

    Know there are people here who will listen. It helps to vent. I have to or I'd go nuts. You may find it helps you, too.

    Hope your Sunday is a good one with your wife and girls.


  2. #12


    who wrote the poem My little Pain? I think mitchell.
    Feelin good is good enough!

  3. #13
    i put our situation as a mid-career employee “‘sandwiched between supporting the care demands of her husband and kid.
    barely turned 40 yet has to keep the family’s cash flowing, my altruistic wife also has to cope with a full-time job and part time job. In this case one can excuse not being sexy and at times affectionate the physical and emotional energy is drained dealing with with tough situations. but how can someone not love such a woman.

  4. #14
    A little perspective as a husband to a C6/7 wife.

    Denial is a wonderful a point. Denial in the short term and put in perspective is actually an effective coping least for me. She needs to get out of the house and do something with other people that are not paralyzed or associated with taking care of someone who is. I understand that you want that for her now, but she has to come to this realization on her own.

    If I did not have my work life and the "normality" it brings, I think I could not have survived these last insane 6 years. My career work day allows me the fantasy(just a joke of a word people) of a normal life like all my other colleagues. The tacit denial of the life you guys never asked for is what the alternative activity provides. It to me, signifies the hope that a "normal" life can be at least part of my life. Of course when I walk back through that door the reality of quadriplegia becomes real again, as it should. But for those 8 hours, I become like everyone else. I is invaluable to me, and I do not think I would have stayed in the relationship without the "escape" it provides.

    Yes, it does not give her back the life she so desperately wants, but it does provide a respite to a weary sole.

    YOU must be OK with this of course, since this is really about you. Don't take that the wrong way. The denial is not real, she still loves you. "Escaping" the life at home does not mean anything more than a rest. Think of it like going to the movies. She just needs to feel normal again(ok all you my quad/para life IS normal...I get it, so don't get your nose bent).

    Can I ask if your physical appearance has changed significantly?

    In my case, my wife is completely unrecognisable to her pre injury appearance(large weight gain). Sadly, I have to admit that my physical attraction to her body is gone, but I still love her and would do anything for her. I know some will say I'm a son of a bitch and that I should still want to have sex with her, but for me, that part of our life together died in her accident, years ago. I still struggle dealing with it on a regular basis and must resign myself to being forcibly celibate. I'm sure your wife might also be struggling too. This is something you will have to deal with and talk with her about. We just try to be polite about things and imagine it is not an issue....I know, I know, very dysfunctional, but it's how we cope. LOL

    You have to sit down together and really talk about it. Completely and insanely hard, I get it. But you need to do it....I do to.

    You guys need each other, you've made it this far. It's always been one day at a time, now it's just harder to get to that next day. Hang in there brother...I will too. :-)

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