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Thread: Wife as Caregiver

  1. #1

    Wife as Caregiver

    I am a t-12 with a good amount of mobiiity. I find that my wife has lost that lovin feeling. She has never been affectional wife. I also suffer from CNS. It dictates my mood day to day. So to lite the fire is met with a cold should. Please talk with spouses and give feedback,
    Feelin good is good enough!

  2. #2
    When your wife is your caregiver, the stressors of that role can cause the loss of intimacy. You may want to consider to get another caregiver to give your spouse a break. I hope she has other interests other than caring for you.

    pbr

  3. #3

    no affection

    She has always been a person that has trouble showing affection. The fact that I deal w/ so much pain, she does not know what to do. She is not able to help w/ climax. This is minor to me, it is what it is. I dont know how to change her to be outgoing. She has been an at home mother. She does not even think of working. What would I do she says. I would like to stand up and yell, Do something.
    Feelin good is good enough!

  4. #4
    Not to be crass however, if you are T12 why in the hell do you need a caregiver? Maybe you should concentrate on taking care of your own self and getting back to a loving husband and wife relationship.

  5. #5

    cns

    I have delt w/ cns pain for so long. I am not the same person and I know it. She is not my "caregiver" she is my wife. The role of CG only applies to our responability.
    Last edited by GoBig; 07-12-2012 at 08:48 PM. Reason: I just dont understand
    Feelin good is good enough!

  6. #6
    Bigz, you and your wife have had major life changes beyond the initial SCI. When you were injured, you had been working and she had been home with your girls. When you could no longer work, it really changed things for you both.

    Now you are both home most of the time. That's a whole lot of togetherness. Just ask any two people in a marriage or relationship when one or both retire (and they may laugh about it if they are able) as new tensions often arise as roles evolve. You may still be adjusting to the new you, especially in how you may view yourself post career. That's a tough one.

    You wrote she is not changing. Chances are she will not. You married who you married and she is not affectionate like you think you might like. She was not before and probably will not be now. Remember the woman you fell in love with. She's still her, still right there. You are, too.

    You wrote she is always there and you just wish she would "do something." Again, you are probably looking to change her. She probably knows that even if you are not talking about it.

    I try to remember I cannot change other people. The only thing I can do is change myself and work to improve my own life and hopefully that helps improve my relationships with others.

    If you are hoping to rekindle things with her, don't underestimate romance. Snag a sitter and go on a date. Have a picnic. Try something new together. Never stop courting each other. It does not have to be on a grand scale, but little things mean a lot, especially over the long haul.

    Before you two get too far down the road with what is happening between you, any chance you could go see a couple's counselor? Learning new ways to communicate can help when there are new tensions.

    I, too, have crazy pain, Bigz. I have a couple of hobbies I love. I have found my bliss and it helps so much. I try not to get too far into my own head. Volunteering helps me as much or more than anything. For me, meditation and visualization are essential to dealing with this body I inhabit.

    Find something you like to do solo and do it. Even if it is just going for a cup of coffee somewhere and reading the paper or taking your laptop for the cup of Joe, get out of the house. You and she probably need a little breathing room.

    I may have it all wrong with what I have written. If so, my apologies.

    Good relationships don't just happen. They take work.

    Thinking of you both,

    Memz
    Last edited by LaMemChose; 07-12-2012 at 10:25 PM. Reason: typos

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by LaMemChose View Post
    Bigz, you and your wife have had major life changes beyond the initial SCI. When you were injured, you had been working and she had been home with your girls. When you could no longer work, it really changed things for you both.

    Now you are both home most of the time. That's a whole lot of togetherness. Just ask any two people in a marriage or relationship when one or both retire (and they may laugh about it if they are able) as new tensions often arise as roles evolve. You may still be adjusting to the new you, especially in how you may view yourself post career. That's a tough one.

    You wrote she is not changing. Chances are she will not. You married who you married and she is not affectionate like you think you might like. She was not before and probably will not be now. Remember the woman you fell in love with. She's still her, still right there. You are, too.

    You wrote she is always there and you just wish she would "do something." Again, you are probably looking to change her. She probably knows that even if you are not talking about it.

    I try to remember I cannot change other people. The only thing I can do is change myself and work to improve my own life and hopefully that helps improve my relationships with others.

    If you are hoping to rekindle things with her, don't underestimate romance. Snag a sitter and go on a date. Have a picnic. Try something new together. Never stop courting each other. It does not have to be on a grand scale, but little things mean a lot, especially over the long haul.

    Before you two get too far down the road with what is happening between you, any chance you could go see a couple's counselor? Learning new ways to communicate can help when there are new tensions.

    I, too, have crazy pain, Bigz. I have a couple of hobbies I love. I have found my bliss and it helps so much. I try not to get too far into my own head. Volunteering helps me as much or more than anything. For me, meditation and visualization are essential to dealing with this body I inhabit.

    Find something you like to do solo and do it. Even if it is just going for a cup of coffee somewhere and reading the paper or taking your laptop for the cup of Joe, get out of the house. You and she probably need a little breathing room.

    I may have it all wrong with what I have written. If so, my apologies.

    Good relationships don't just happen. They take work.

    Thinking of you both,

    Memz
    Eloquently stated.

    All the best,
    GJ

  8. #8

    Feeling Good

    KS I am sorry to put this on CG site but that is how i felt because she does everything. She also suffers from a deal of depression from my dilema.

    Mimz Thanks for the response. I find it difficult to ignite a fire when the pain is so difficult. We have gone to dinner only to be interupted by my little friend.

    Thanks to all.
    Feelin good is good enough!

  9. #9
    Senior Member elarson's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LaMemChose View Post
    Good relationships don't just happen. They take work.
    As a caregiver wife, I agree with everything that Memz wrote. Especially the last line. Along with the romance ideas she gave, one thing I find incredibly important is that you communicate with her, let her know your feelings, and ask her about her feelings.

    In my book, absolutely nothing is better than when my husband puts his arm around me and tells me he loves and appreciates me. It gives me the strength I need to deal with all the rest. I know a lot of guys especially have a hard time with that, but it is soooo important (even if not dealing with a caregiver partner situation).
    Partner of an incredible stroke survivor. Limitations: hemiparesis and neglect (functional paralysis and complete lack of awareness on one side). Equipment: TiLite ZRA 2 and 2GX, Spinergy ZX-1, RioMobility Firefly. Knowledge: relative newbie for high-level equipment (2012), but willing to try to help others who are new with similar limitations (definitely not a guru, but inquisitive).

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by GoBig View Post
    KS I am sorry to put this on CG site but that is how i felt because she does everything. She also suffers from a deal of depression from my dilema.

    Mimz Thanks for the response. I find it difficult to ignite a fire when the pain is so difficult. We have gone to dinner only to be interupted by my little friend.

    Thanks to all.
    First of all don't ever be sorry for putting anything on here. You have a right to voice your opinion and concerns as well. Knowing that your wife is suffering too is a major step forward. Memz does leave you with several valid points. I can't argue one of them. I don't know what the central pain feels like, but have read numerous posts here that it must be horrific. Invite your wife to care cure. Maybe she would feel better about things if she was able to hash out some of her concerns as well. I know it has done wonders for me. Remember your little friends inturreptions may be really similar to the interupptions your wife is getting from her little friend. Meaning the things going on inside of her head since your injury. Best of luck to you are yours.

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