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Thread: How will I know when it is time to put Mother in a "Facility"?

  1. #31
    Most of my family was working at the time of the stroke. Most went without sleep and it was hard but we did it. I dont see how patrick and I stating that we would do ourselves in would send any message to a caregiver. I am not saying anything negative about caregivers i think the world of those that are caring for their loved ones. I am simply stating that i would do myself in if i had to go to a nursing home.

  2. #32
    [QUOTE=hlh;1545291]

    However, many of us cannot afford not to work, or we lose our own health insurance, money for our own retirement, lose our homes, and sometimes our spouses etc... Turning someone, changing them, picking them up when they fall etc... can be very grueling. So sometimes you have a 65 year old women trying to pick up her 85 year old mother. Not a good idea.... soon the 65 year old has injured themselves, and then starts the slow decline.


    What is truly upsetting to me is when Patrick and Elizabeth say that they would consider suicide. Not only because this is so disturbing that they feel this would be the only option, but because of the message they are sending to caregivers.... many of whom are trying to do their best.


    You're reasons are enough not to put someone I love thru, never mind; my own person hell of knowing the sacrafice and toll it's taking on them. And what's negative about knowing when to end it. My wife is so wonderful, I hate seeing what I put her thru. I appreciate it's her choice but it still hurts.

  3. #33
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    I think the ability to care for a loved one at home varies from family to family. Numbers and ability make a big difference.

    Sometimes a nursing home can be a good move, even when it isn't due to inability of family to provide care. My paternal grandma went into a nursing home for a short period after a broken hip. She spent almost 12 hours on the floor at home after a fall, which happened moments after her evening "check-in" with her neighbor. She couldn't get to a phone, and wasn't found until she didn't pull up her shades in the morning (her signal to her neighbor, that all was well.)

    As her hip healed, she decided to stay, that she preferred the companionship at the nursing home. (She also loved to grumble and complain about things, always had. Her almost deaf room-mate was probably the best thing for her!)

    On the other hand, my maternal grandfather was terrified of living in a home, and stayed in his home far longer than was practical, or in truth, safe. But my mom made it work. But when he was recovering from surgery, he was placed in a nursing home for a few days, when he was still not sick enough for the hospital, but not well enough to go stay w/ my mom. He died within a couple of days, and we still feel it was from the fear, and despair of having to go into a nursing home, and that he probably didn't understand that it was only for a couple of days.

    But not every family has the ability to care for a loved one, or perhaps not the aptitude, no matter how much they care. Friends may be already overburdened with their own families, and a single child for example, with no extended family may not be able to physically or financially care for a severly disabled family member. Especially someone with severe dementia who not only needs 24/7 care, but 24/7 guarding to protect them.

    I give a lot of credit to those posting here who are able to provide care at home, but finding alternate care is NOT being unfeeling, cruel or lazy. Sometimes it is the best situation.

    Each situation is different.
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  4. #34
    I once asked my husband (C5-6 SCI) if the situation was reversed, would he be able to be my caregiver. He wasn't sure. Not everyone can do it because loving someone a lot is just not enough.

  5. #35
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    Really, I think everyone here basically agrees. Some, like my family, have just struggled so hard and so long that they finally had to give in and acknowledge that the goal of keeping loved ones at home just not be reached. This is a hard place to be and not a happy one. Once there, it is not easy to hear others suggest that the goal could have been attained had the family been moe caring, close, or efficient.

    To answer the original OP, in my opinion it is time when the caregivers cannot give proper care or whenever they cannot sustain the care despite their best efforts. The caregivers will usually know when it is time, since usually they will be completely worn and stressed out with no place left to turn. Kudos to those who never get there.
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  6. #36
    I really admire the caregivers on this forum. In my accident I fractured vertebrae all the way up to C2 but only my T8 had the burst fracture that damaged my cord. Given my personal situation I would be in a nursing home if I couldn't function on my own. I know the effort it takes to manage my own care as a para and in rehab roomed with a C4 complete so have an idea of the care they need. To do that for another person, it really is an amazing thing you all do. If you just can't do it anymore I wouldn't feel guilty, when I was AB I used to run. When I was young I could do a full marathon, then 10Ks and then finally after it got so after running 3 miles it took me a week and a bottle of advil to recover I switched to an elliptical machine. Caregiving must be the same way, it wears you down and at some point you just can't physically and mentally do it and for you own health you have to stop. It is sad but you shouldn't feel guilty.

    Quote Originally Posted by swh2007 View Post
    Really, I think everyone here basically agrees. Some, like my family, have just struggled so hard and so long that they finally had to give in and acknowledge that the goal of keeping loved ones at home just not be reached. This is a hard place to be and not a happy one. Once there, it is not easy to hear others suggest that the goal could have been attained had the family been moe caring, close, or efficient.

    To answer the original OP, in my opinion it is time when the caregivers cannot give proper care or whenever they cannot sustain the care despite their best efforts. The caregivers will usually know when it is time, since usually they will be completely worn and stressed out with no place left to turn. Kudos to those who never get there.

  7. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by t8burst View Post
    I really admire the caregivers on this forum. In my accident I fractured vertebrae all the way up to C2 but only my T8 had the burst fracture that damaged my cord. Given my personal situation I would be in a nursing home if I couldn't function on my own. I know the effort it takes to manage my own care as a para and in rehab roomed with a C4 complete so have an idea of the care they need. To do that for another person, it really is an amazing thing you all do. If you just can't do it anymore I wouldn't feel guilty, when I was AB I used to run. When I was young I could do a full marathon, then 10Ks and then finally after it got so after running 3 miles it took me a week and a bottle of advil to recover I switched to an elliptical machine. Caregiving must be the same way, it wears you down and at some point you just can't physically and mentally do it and for you own health you have to stop. It is sad but you shouldn't feel guilty.
    I likewise truly admire caregivers. You all are the best.
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  8. #38
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by sjean423 View Post
    I give a lot of credit to those posting here who are able to provide care at home, but finding alternate care is NOT being unfeeling, cruel or lazy. Sometimes it is the best situation.

    Each situation is different.
    Thank you and agreed. Like I said above, my grandmother can't swallow, isn't continent at all, and cannot ambulate. Taking care of her at home in this situation is truly not an option. And KLD is 100% right about caregiver funding. The view presented by some is overly optimistic. In our case, my grandmother had to spend down all of her resources to be eligible for state (or is it federal? I don't remember) funded NH care.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  9. #39
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by swh2007 View Post
    I likewise truly admire caregivers. You all are the best.
    Thank you, and thanks to all who have expressed this sentiment. It is hard work, and in my case I am thanked frequently by my husband so I am grateful for his support.
    Wife of Chad (C4/5 since 1988), mom of a great teenager

  10. #40
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    As a caregiver I found some remarks in this thread hard to hear. If my brother ever told me he would commit suicide if he had to go to a nursing home--it's like blackmail of sorts. Thankfully my brother is not that kind of person to hold others responsible for his care. That may be one of the reasons I have taken care of him 24/7 for 13 years. Another point I didn't like reading was the comment that "wouldn't even visit someone in a NH"--well, that's real nice!

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