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Thread: Help! running out of ideas

  1. #11
    Muskie, I'm so sorry to hear that you and your son are having such a hard time. However, with the level of his injury and the length of time since he was injured, it's understandable that he's feeling hopeless right about now. It is a process to come to terms with an SCI, especially if you feel that your life has been turned upside down.

    Can they give you any advice at Kessler? I'd imagine that they see this all the time and could maybe make recommendations for you. However, if your son isn't ready to accept help, there may not be much you can do until he's willing to take it.

    I've seen your posts on this site and can't imagine that you haven't already turned over every stone in finding ways to help your son. Your dedication to him is evident. I wish you didn't feel as if you'd failed him. As with anything, we can want something for another person, we can see how it will benefit them and we may wish it with all we've got, but the action must come from the person, themselves. It is impossible to emotionally heal another person. That's work he will need to do.

    What you can do, and what you probably have already done, is to be educated on the SCI condition and be as supportive as possible. I hope that the day comes, soon, that he will come to terms with his condition and begin to see opportunities for his future. Certainly, what has happened to him is very difficult for a young man to digest. His future is by no means hopeless but he needs to realize that for himself.

    My heart goes out to you both.

  2. #12
    Senior Member muskie's Avatar
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    Thank you all since this post I have talked to his workers comp nurse. She inturn lit a fire under his PT's and the staff at Kessler. He was not real happy with me when he got home but, when you say you are going to kill yourself it is never to be taken lightly. He is on Lexapro and is seeing the staff psychologist. The one we had really did do much except tell him to get used to the rest of your life in a chair. Kessler is a highly rated facility that as everything from driver's training to locomotion training. I did not know he could partially dress himself. We ask everyday how did therapy go and the response would be same crap stretching and stuff. So now I will not make his life easy where I know he can do things himself. Still it kills you as a parent to see your child hurt so badly and you can't fix it
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  3. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by muskie View Post
    Still it kills you as a parent to see your child hurt so badly and you can't fix it
    Yes, your feelings are understandable, but you and your son need to understand that you can not be his knight in shining armor for ever. One day in his life you will either be too old or dead and won't be able to help him. He has got to find ways now to make the transition and find a way in this life. Yes, it is early in his injury process, but all of you need to find a way through this, sooner than later. Hope you can get some guidance in the rehab situation.

    All the best,
    GJ

  4. #14
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    it may end up being the same way when he was a kid: you doing a parent-teacher conference so you're up to speed on EXACTLY what they are teaching him in rehab. that way he can't manipulate you into having you do things for him.

    when you raise kids, you are always setting the bar higher than where they are at to help p ush them along. so now that you know he can partially dress himself, then you say "well from now on, you are responsible for dressing yourself" it'll probably take him a long time to do it. he most likely will get frustrated and angry. if he asks for help, just calmly remind him hthat you know he can do it with practice, but if you're helping him, he wont get the practice.

    he will get mad at you. acknowledge his feelings, remind him that you love him and KNOW he can get through this
    "Smells like death in a bucket of chicken!"
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  5. #15
    Senior Member khmorgan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by muskie View Post
    He was not real happy with me when he got home but, when you say you are going to kill yourself it is never to be taken lightly.
    Definitely not, but it proves he is depressed and needs help. But, help comes it lots of forms. Making him do something that is good for him physically or mentally is also helping.

    He is on Lexapro and is seeing the staff psychologist.
    He may need more than a staff psychologist. Getting help for depression is a first priority.

    The one we had really did do much except tell him to get used to the rest of your life in a chair.
    Maybe this isn't bad. I was told I would be walking soon. It never happened. I'm still a C5/C6 quad.

    The thing that saved me was getting back into high school. I was back in 8 months after my injury. My classmates treated me the same as before. It was great. I kept hearing there will be a cure in 5 years. I figured, I don't want to be uneducated when the cure comes. That was 1965. I still feel the same way.

    So now I will not make his life easy where I know he can do things himself.
    That is a great attitude!

    Still it kills you as a parent to see your child hurt so badly and you can't fix it
    I'm certain my parents felt the same way, but they never showed it. Kids can see when their parents feel sorry for them. I'm no mental health professional, but I think you need to encourage him, not carry him.

    You sound like a great, loving father. Just don't ever give up. Good luck!

  6. #16
    Hello Muskie,

    I am a C5-C6 incomplete and I know exactly what your son is going through. I was sent to a psychologist and his determination was that I was very dangerous; to myself or anyone around...that I was self-destructive. I guess I was as I burned my arms often with cigarettes just to watch the skin bubble. About four times I was very, very close to suicide. I guess what stopped me was what it would do to my parents and friends. After about four years, everything started to improve mentally. My attitude changed completely and I got married. (40 years ago!) Now I am 45 years post, retired after working for the last 40 years. I still work on computer software (programming) and volunteer at the National Park Service three days a week.

    It does take time and a great deal of patience.

    Good luck.
    Millard
    ''Life's tough... it's even tougher if you're stupid!'' -- John Wayne


  7. #17
    Psychological help/therapy and anti-depressant are in order. But also does he have any peers his own age that come and sit and play video games or hang out? Persistence of keeping vigil over instilling hope.

    pbr

  8. #18
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    Muskie,
    Helen Hayes has a brilliant psychologist, Bruce Lowenstein. Try to make an appointment with him to coincide with your next aqua therapy session. He knows our whole family so mention us to him. He can help the whole family and in your situation everyone needs help. Failure? Of course, fathers protect their sons. We couldn't-but we can fight like hell to get them well. You are doing that. It's also normal in our situation for the challenge to awaken any old anxieties we might have.
    No one handles this alone-WE ARE ALL DEPENDENT-recognizing that is first step to real independence-and it's hard.
    I have some things to say that might be helpful but are not appropriate for posting
    here. I am home for the summer. If you want to talk give me a call.
    You are doing everything right-good work.
    Finbar

  9. #19
    Senior Member khmorgan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SCI-Nurse View Post
    Psychological help/therapy and anti-depressant are in order. But also does he have any peers his own age that come and sit and play video games or hang out? Persistence of keeping vigil over instilling hope.

    pbr
    pbr,

    If you mean, instilling hope for a cure, I'm not sure that should be the primary goal.

    Some, if not all of his old friends, will see that he is still the same old guy, just stuck in a tough spot. He and they will adjust and enjoy their still common interests, like video games, watching sports, and basic bull-shitting. Of course, a few will not, but they aren't really worth much anyway.

    I withdrew too much after I was hurt at 16. A classmate and good friend was hurt (same C5/C6 injury) a few years later, and he stayed more active with our friends, e.g. going to the beach, etc. I wish I had, too.

    To this day (over 40 years later), we both exchange emails, phone calls, etc. with our mostly common friends and each other. There's nothing like keeping friendships with the people you grew up with. They know the real you. Well, at least they know your most embarrassing moments that are always good for a laugh.
    Last edited by khmorgan; 06-22-2012 at 03:16 PM.

  10. #20

    Clarifying my post

    Instilling hope for getting up and living day to day. Everyone needs something to look forward to in instilling hope. Everyone needs a com padre someone to share their hopes, dreams, sad, happy and embarrassing moments with.

    pbr

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