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Thread: dealing with friends

  1. #1
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    dealing with friends

    I am 3 years post injury. Before my accident I only had a few good friends, I have always rather have a few close friends who would do anything for me than having a bunch a friends and every is fake or sh!t talks you behind my back. And I'd do anything for my buddies too.

    At the time of my accident they came to the hospital here and there, some friends where better than others but what ever. Now that I'm home and settled in things have really change for the worse. We will go out with each others wives for supper or they come to my house cause its accessable and the guys always talk and make plans to hang out the next day and go golf, or paintballing, or crusing in fast cars, or going on a road trip somewhere and on and on. They never even think about inviting me along cause they see the chair and what a pain it is but I can do that stuff I just need a lill help.

    I've knowen these guys for 14 years plus so i don't want to ignore them but I'm getting really pissed off. Me and my wife never get invited out to their house and I even have a stair climber so no one has to carry me and I never use it. We always have them at my house and we have to pay for supper, UFC fights and entertain while they make plans infront of me to just do guy stuff the next day. And I have heard rumors and a few smart ass comments have been made that we never leave the house or never do anything, I just want to burn a bridge and say well then call me and let hang out or for once you invite us to your house for a change.

    As you guys know it sucks being in your house all day and it's nice going out, and for me it's great doing guy stuff but I get left home cause they don't think bout me. and it pisses me off and gets me down.

    My dad is my best friend since my wreck, he is awesome and helps me no matter what I want to do. From changing light bulbs in the house to working on my Canam motorcycle so I can ride again. He is such a help and I don't know who would help me when he's gone.
    Mark 9:23 - All things are possible for those who believe.

  2. #2
    Sorry to hear about your situation on this delicate subject. I've noticed that my girl friends were hesitant and uncomfortable asking me to do stuff because they weren't quite sure if I "could". I started inviting them to do things with me and they almost always said, oh wow, I wasn't sure if you were able to. Now they know my capABLILITIES and it's no big deal. Maybe your friends are afraid they will offend you if they ask you to do something that they're not sure you can do. Educate them on how much you can do and see where it goes. If they continue to keep you off the "man" time list then it might be time for new bro's.
    DFW TEXAS- T-10 since March 20th, 1994

  3. #3
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    Hate to tell u this but that's gonna happen... and the onus is on you to to press the opportunities to occur if you intend them to cause people are at times going to shy away from certain things ... I got pissed at a few of my friends early on for not inviting me out to a few things that even though I could really participate in I woulda like to go be around for to hang out.For example, we always used to shoot hoops together and they stopped inviting me over cause as a quad I couldn't play... but I said to them "geezus, I can hang out and shoot the shit, why not give me the option to come do that?" You gotta make the point sometimes... if they really are your friends they'll accept what you say, say ok we didn't think you'd want to , but now that we do we'll invite you... just do it politely and honestly and be prepared to give examples of what you want to be included in and how u want to participate and if u need a "little help" as u say explain what that help is, the "how" of it and that it won't be much (assuming). But be prepared to do it if they invite u, don't decline, especially early on, cause if they invite & u decline they won't re-invite...... and if they don't understand u need to make some new friends

  4. #4
    Super Moderator Sue Pendleton's Avatar
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    Can you meet them at a sports bar to watch a game? Or if it seems dinner at your house is the thing (and boy do I hear you on this one) send out invitations for a rotating dinner. Start or end it at your home with appetizer or dessert. The others pick up the main course and the one before you didn't. I'd go for dessert at your house so they are forced to think outside the box. The more urban your home the more likely you'll need to deal with townhouses and steps to apartments or condos. But even our one set of newer friends were determined to make it work and bought a table like a desk we have that collapses down to a behind the sofa table. They use it as a dining table in the basement that is fully furnished and we can enter with a wheely up just one step. Friends that go back 35 years with my husband and 26 or so with me just bought a new home. Another 3 story townhouse. She has bad knees and he's 72. I am actually not going to be surprised if one of these old friends we had back east doesn't just visit, we expect and want that, but decides when they need a knee or hip replaced they'll ask if they can stay with us. "No." It is in your court to give them a chance but be prepared to see them rarely if at all in the future.
    Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

    Disclaimer: Answers, suggestions, and/or comments do not constitute medical advice expressed or implied and are based solely on my experiences as a SCI patient. Please consult your attending physician for medical advise and treatment. In the event of a medical emergency please call 911.

  5. #5
    When they are talking about these things and making plans, what are you doing? In my opinion, the ball is in your court. Work yourself into the conversation...

    Friends: So, let's talk about that road trip we discussed on the way over.

    You: Did somebody say road trip?!

    Friends: Ya, the boys and I are thinking of going to the cabin next week and do some skiing.

    You: Oh really, that sounds fun; I haven't skied since before my accident. What places are you guys thinking about?

    Friends: We're thinking of going to The Summit or China's Peak.

    You: Cool, I'll check those two out and see if they have any adaptive skiing programs.

    Friends: Definitely, let us know what we could do. Perhaps we could look at some other places if they don't have anything to get you on the slopes.

    You: I will, cheers mate.

    Of course, it could go the other way and you would need to confront them about your friendship. If they are good friends though, I would expect something like the above to occur. Either way, it's better to know who your friends are and who are not. You don't run a restaurant, nor are you a charity case.

    Don't forget that you have been out of the loop for a while and give your friends the benefit of the doubt. They could be having just as hard a time figuring out how to go forward with the relationship as well. Don't make assumptions.
    C5 injury with partial C6 function on left.

  6. #6
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    yeah those are good tips, I know I have to talk to them but as a guy the "man code" is don't talk about feelings but I'm gonna have to do it. I am gonna start by saying something like " I gotta get something off my chaest, I know you guys arn't doing this delibratly but it think you see the chair and not me" and bring up examples like the road trip, suppers always at my house, cruising or even working on our cars(I know I would shoot the sh!t like RJC said about hoops more than wrenching on cars) and out here we go gopher hunting lol but they don't think I can get into the truck or something. Even golfing I can just transfer in the cart and drink beer.

    Last time it was a road trip, one buddy was going with his wife to go shopping in Calgary ( I hate shopping and I hate Calgary but it's something to do) So it was the 3 of us in my garage and he said to my other friend right in front of me, well you should come up. My friend said no thanks and they went home. No more than 1 hour later I texted him and said if you wanna go up there we can do a guys trip up there. At first he said yeah thats cool, then it turned into a maybe, then him and his wife were going but I was "invited". So that means I have to take my accessable van and gas and burn it while his wife spends all day at the mall, No thanks, I haven't really talked to him since.

    And I have to set up every time we hang out, they very rarley call or text us asking to hang out. But I have found new friends who are amazing, they don't see the chair and it's like they put themselves in my seat and think about how they would want things, you know? One is my ex girlfriends husband lol, he's a great guy and we are very similar in a lot of ways. Just hate leaving old friendships behind, and I really hate being a outcast.

    Feels better just to vent on the forum, few days ago I coulda killed someone.
    Mark 9:23 - All things are possible for those who believe.

  7. #7
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    i agree with the above. if they are making plans with you there, insert yourself into the convo. i know it is awkward but it's gotta be up to you to educate them.
    "Smells like death in a bucket of chicken!"
    http://www.elportavoz.com/

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