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Thread: i wish somehow we can all reach a place we want to be

  1. #21
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    I just want a significant other.

  2. #22
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    I had to quit working in 2005. I had a workers comp doc, a social security doc and the VA all tell me I can never work again. Ever. I did not want to believe them. How could they 'put an end to me' like that?

    Of course I initially felt relief that the years of working in pain and faking it everyday just to get by only to spend the hours I was not at work confined to bed by exhaustion and pain were finally over. Every work day was just pure hell. I don't even remember half of the last few years because of the pain and agony of every day and spending the other days gorked out on some drug or other for pain.

    The forced 'retirement' did not sit well with me. I was fighting the truth and was looking for any way to get back to a job, any job just so I didn't fade away. God knows I had been working since I was 11 years old in the bean and berry fields of the Willamette Valley and what was I going to do now? It took years, but only last year did I finally reach a truce with acceptance.

    I was a Mom of two boys and an employee of a very large company. That was my identity and who I was. I was forced to quit by reasons out of my control. So I sat at home. But then when I found myself with days and days that I spoke to no one or even went outdoors. Pain actually increased because there was also the mental anguish feelings of worthlessness. It was not a good time. I was frankly suicidal. Things had to change. I got a good counselor and some antidepressant drugs and started feeling better about what had become of me.

    I developed the hobbies I already had. I have time for photography and sewing quilts with a machine that threads itself. Planning alone can take days, but that is OK because I wasn't doing much anyway. I eventually gave up my ambitions to go back to work. I eventually realized that I didn't want the long 12-14 hour days anymore and I am fortunate that I don't have to compromise on income at all. I know how lucky that is. It has been 6 years now and I am happy not having to suffer for a paycheck anymore. I do mean suffer with the burning dripping fire kind of neuropathic pain.

    I gave up work. Forever. It is not giving in or giving up for me, it is moving on.
    Anything worth doing, is worth doing to excess

  3. #23
    I agree with kkmay . Just want a woman mainly , and pain are right close together . Never happen either one.

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Cjt8 View Post
    Yea, but just my one border collie.
    She knew me before I got fucked up and nothing between us has changed.
    Hi Todd & Cjt8,

    Dogs leave the judging to crotchety ol' people. You may not have seen this dated Twilight Zone episode because I know, at least about Todd, that he's yet a young buck.

    What would heaven be like without all of our dogs- past and present? Less appealing for sure.

    Rip appears to be a Bluetick Coonhound.

    Border collies are a very intelligent breed but they need so much exercise that I've been happy with middle-aged retired couch potato greyhounds.



    Bob.
    "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle." - Philo of Alexandria

  5. #25
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Skippy and Andy .. I can so relate .. making me nervous about going back! lol

    We're getting a new building by the end of the year and you never work alone now .. so I hope these will be improvements. I have a better parking spot at home now especially in winter. I don't think I need to 'bust my arse' to prove anything anymore either. My co-workers are educated on paralysis and now see how easy my life can be interrupted .. one simple fall took me out for a year and I have to travel 4hrs away to get quality medical care.

    I can SO relate to feeling worthless and suicidal .. I have no other interests, no children or husband to keep me busy. It was quite difficult to be off for so long and I almost developed an 'agoraphobic' like feeling. There were a few difficult days last summer where I was actually planning to slice through my leg, find the femoral and snip it.

    What the hell am I going to do if I have to retire?
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  6. #26
    Senior Member skippy13's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=lynnifer;1480807]Skippy and Andy .. I can so relate .. making me nervous about going back! lol

    We're getting a new building by the end of the year and you never work alone now .. so I hope these will be improvements. I have a better parking spot at home now especially in winter. I don't think I need to 'bust my arse' to prove anything anymore either. My co-workers are educated on paralysis and now see how easy my life can be interrupted .. one simple fall took me out for a year and I have to travel 4hrs away to get quality medical care.

    I can SO relate to feeling worthless and suicidal .. I have no other interests, no children or husband to keep me busy. It was quite difficult to be off for so long and I almost developed an 'agoraphobic' like feeling. There were a few difficult days last summer where I was actually planning to slice through my leg, find the femoral and snip it.

    What the hell am I going to do if I have to retire?[/QUOTE]

    Start now by visualising your days after your working days are over. If you have to see a counselor or a life coach. You can fill yor days with whatever you choose to fill them with and right now just working is often as much as you can do. When you finish work for the day, what do you do?

    Take a cooking course or a container gardening course and make your patio/deck the most impressive of all in the building. Find a hobby that you are passionate about. Volunteer to take another gimp to appointments.

    Start planning it now. A counselor would be a good start. We tend to live such narrow lives when we are faced with health problems and trying to work. Imagine a good future and set to getting it started.
    Anything worth doing, is worth doing to excess

  7. #27
    Senior Member mr_coffee's Avatar
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    Some things you cant have though before you can start living life again. For example, my pain has been as intense as its always been and I've stopped all pain medication. The only difference is I've accepted life with this level of pain. If it goes away great but I doubt it ever will. I can't compare pain to others but I can describe the pain I have as it feels like I"m constantly sitting on broken glass that happens to be on fire. This feeling is almost always there, the only time I don't feel it is when I'm laying on my side but when I'm working 10-12 hour days it can be pretty intense but I've learned to live with that feeling. The only reason we feel pain is unpleasant/unbearable is because we have lived a life in the past where we didn't have to deal with intense pain. Once you let go of your old self and embrace your new body life will be different.

    I've never been happier actually. I look back at my happiness before my injury and it was such surface level happiness. This happiness I'm experiencing now is at a totally different level. I've been injured about 7 years and I've only been happy for about 2 of those years. Something clicked inside my head after experimenting with psychedelic drugs which made me realize I can control everything I'm experiencing. This world is only how I interpet it through my mind. I can think of this world in a very negative sense which gets you no where or I can realize how amazing life really is and how this is the only shot we have it. Once its over, its over so you might as well try to get the most of out it. Its been about 2 years now I haven't had an angry thought, yelled, or let anyone or anything really bother me to the point of feeling angry/uncomfortable. Once you find happiness I don't think anything can take it away again.

    I wish you all the best but don't wait for life to come to you when things settle down. For some people things will never settle down, they may even get worse so you might as well try to do your best with what you have and go forward. Life won't be easy or comfortable but its better than sitting around waiting for something to happen.

    Again this isn't for everyone, for example if you are stuck in bed with a level 4 pressure sore, you are kind of stuck there. Not saying you have to be miserable, you can in fact explore your mind more and forget about this external reality that is haunting you. I highly recommend lucid dreaming to anyone out there that is in this situation. Your dreams can be a great place to escape and once you learn to control your dreams it brings another level of awesome to your life.

    TL;DR: Life is as good as you want it to be.
    Last edited by mr_coffee; 01-22-2012 at 10:29 PM.
    Injured:10-16-04
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  8. #28
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    i agree with mr coffee. my life has never been better and in the past year i've just been living life on my terms and taking advantage of every opportunity i can! my pain has flared and i am learning to balance that but overall i am in a great place and am living the life i have always thought i'd live. it's so surreal to think this is my reality now when for so many years i was stuck inside wishing i could be the person i am today.
    more financial independence would be great but i'm on my way to solving that. the s/o really isnt a factor as honestly i dont want my happiness dependent on someone else, it should solely come from me and right now it is so i am feeling fulfilled. if someone wants to come along and share it, then fine but i wont be shedding any tears if it doesnt happen. no more someday dreamer for me, today and each day will always be now
    "Smells like death in a bucket of chicken!"
    http://www.elportavoz.com/

  9. #29
    Quote Originally Posted by bob clark View Post
    Border collies are a very intelligent breed but they need so much exercise that I've been happy with middle-aged retired couch potato greyhounds.



    Bob.
    Indeed, they are, Lemmy's mother was a Border Collie. Thank you for sharing the video. I always said I wouldn't leave Lemmy behind for anything. Every time we left for a hurricane, he came. When we went to Disneyworld, I worried even though I knew he was in good hands.

  10. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by skippy13 View Post
    I had to quit working in 2005. I had a workers comp doc, a social security doc and the VA all tell me I can never work again. Ever. I did not want to believe them. How could they 'put an end to me' like that?

    Of course I initially felt relief that the years of working in pain and faking it everyday just to get by only to spend the hours I was not at work confined to bed by exhaustion and pain were finally over. Every work day was just pure hell. I don't even remember half of the last few years because of the pain and agony of every day and spending the other days gorked out on some drug or other for pain.

    The forced 'retirement' did not sit well with me. I was fighting the truth and was looking for any way to get back to a job, any job just so I didn't fade away. God knows I had been working since I was 11 years old in the bean and berry fields of the Willamette Valley and what was I going to do now? It took years, but only last year did I finally reach a truce with acceptance.

    I was a Mom of two boys and an employee of a very large company. That was my identity and who I was. I was forced to quit by reasons out of my control. So I sat at home. But then when I found myself with days and days that I spoke to no one or even went outdoors. Pain actually increased because there was also the mental anguish feelings of worthlessness. It was not a good time. I was frankly suicidal. Things had to change. I got a good counselor and some antidepressant drugs and started feeling better about what had become of me.

    I developed the hobbies I already had. I have time for photography and sewing quilts with a machine that threads itself. Planning alone can take days, but that is OK because I wasn't doing much anyway. I eventually gave up my ambitions to go back to work. I eventually realized that I didn't want the long 12-14 hour days anymore and I am fortunate that I don't have to compromise on income at all. I know how lucky that is. It has been 6 years now and I am happy not having to suffer for a paycheck anymore. I do mean suffer with the burning dripping fire kind of neuropathic pain.

    I gave up work. Forever. It is not giving in or giving up for me, it is moving on.
    I can so relate to your post. 'When I gave up the job that I loved, I have never been the same. My concentration is just not what it once was to be able to carry a staff of 22 and do it right. I knew at the level that the pain increased I was not going back to the capacity that I had worked so hard to obtain.

    I have yet to re-develop those hobbies although I am working on it. With my daughter being grown, I don't even have a child to take care of anymore. Nurturing and caring was my life like my grandmother's before me. I spent last year grasping for something to give my life purpose all while the seering pain you are describing kept getting worse.

    I have done the same things as you medically in the last couple of months by seeking out a counselor/pain psychologist. I have weened off the anti-depressant I was on for many years that was supposed to help the burning. It just quit working and weening off was enough to scare me into not going back on one.

    When I am an employee, I am a work-aholic and don't know when to stop. (several of my colleagues have told me this) I have to have a focus on something and I loved my job.

    So when I finally realized I wasn't going to get to go back to work and that was not until a couple of weeks ago, I started walking. I am talking long distance walking that I had never done. My scooter has been in storage so I have been having to walk my dog anyway. I walk with a cane and braces. Up to this point, I had always been afraid of distance because my balance is so off and I fall. I have been in the middle of changing doctors so my medicine regimen was a little whacked out anyway.

    I guess the irony is I started with a hill, not a big hill....I have that picture on my computer and when I get frustrated I look at the hill because I made it to the top on the first try. So with that hill I climbed out of the valley of last year.

    Acceptance has been my saving grace. I was beat down most of last year because I could not go back to work. However, like you said, there is a whole lot more purpose to life than working and killing yourself.

    As with many of us here, the pain just a thing we have to live with. I keep wanting to go back to the 15 years that I could keep it in the back of my mind and I can't. The pain interferes at times with my ability to make rational decisions. I have accepted on those days...I make no decisions.

    I found a saddle that I think could actually get me back on a horse. After, 25 years, I think I may make that happen this year. I miss having a horse but also miss the freedom of riding. I guess I will have to buy a horse hotel for behind the RV....
    Last edited by darkeyed_daisy; 01-23-2012 at 12:24 PM.
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

    My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

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