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Thread: Please help...parents want to put me in a nursing home

  1. #21
    OMG. As the parent of a 24 year old (and as someone who is in a wheelchair today because my own parents didn't want the trouble of caring for me post-surgery), I'm am really angry with your parents. On the other hand, they're your parents, and I know you love them, so I'm going to keep my big mouth shut about my opinions on that. You have enough to deal with as it is, just with what's going on in this moment.

    There is one issue here which might (or might not) be influencing your parents' decisions. If something WERE to happen to you while you were home alone, there is a very strong possiblity that they would be in trouble with Adult Protective Services for neglect of a vulnerable adult. But, like I said, that might or might not be a factor - sometimes people are just weird about stuff like that, so it's hard to tell.

    I have to admit, I don't understand how your mom is approaching this...if you were my kid, I'd be going about it differently - but maybe your mom doesn't know that there are any options available. In all the places I've lived, there is a branch of the local Health and Human Services that provides in-home care for people who have difficulty with daily tasks like preparing lunch, dressing, etc. When you call, they have someone come out to your house and interview you to find out what areas you need help in, and then they figure out how (and if) they can help. It's pretty much free for someone on SSI, as I recall. I don't know how long it takes to set up, or whether there is a waiting list in your area - with all the financial woes in California, getting in might take some doing. But it would probably be worth checking into, in case your mom gets weird again, say, if you needed another surgery. There's also something called Adult Daycare. It's totally the wrong place for you, because it's generally used by people who are mentally deficient in some way, so you might die of boredom, but again, if your mom gets weird again it would get you out of the house during the day so she FEELS like she doesn't need to worry. Maybe you could help keep the other clients occupied, or volunteer to help with office work, etc. At any rate, it'd be better than a nursing home, since you could go home in the evening.

    I'm sorry I can't be more help. If there was a way to work it, I'd totally say you could stay with us, but there is just no way to get a wheelchair into the (one and only) bathroom here - the stove is in the way. Plus, I'm sure you wouldn't want to be so far from home. So all I can do is send you positive energy for your recovery. At least it sounds like you're where you need to be right now, and that things are moving in a good direction for you. Let us know how it goes.
    Last edited by PhoenixFiresky; 12-11-2011 at 02:31 PM.

  2. #22
    CurvySAT05: Hope and pray that you'll be able to get all the help you need to change your living situation.

  3. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by PhoenixFiresky View Post
    It's totally the wrong place for you, because it's generally used by people who are mentally deficient in some way, so you might die of boredom, but again, if your mom gets weird again it would get you out of the house during the day so she FEELS like she doesn't need to worry.
    The worrying thing is a ploy to me. I find it amazing that there are steps leading up to the door and her mother's concern isn't that a fire might break out and her daughter burn to death, but that she can't answer the fucking door if some asshole knocks.

    God forbid her brother and girlfriend come in from Italy and see an eyesore in the living room like an air mattress.

    On a further note, I fear this problem will only increase with baby boomers aging and more young people getting paralyzed. The system simply cannot handle it. If a family can't even take care of one of their own, we are up the creek without a paddle. Luckily, my canoe has cyanide in it.

  4. #24
    Quote Originally Posted by Le Type Fran├žais View Post
    The worrying thing is a ploy to me.
    Yeah, I know. I considered that too - but I wasn't going to mention it to the OP. If it's true, then she probably already suspects, anyway. It's not like there's anything she can do about it if it is, and I didn't want to make her feel worse than she already does. And it's possible that her mother is just one of those fidgety, fussy women who don't think things through and are always overreacting.

    I come from a family where they used that kind of excuses. Like I said, I wouldn't be needing a wheelchair today if my father had been willing to provide care for me for two months so I could have surgery - my dad's excuse was that, even though he was retired, he was busy doing volunteer work for the church. Sometimes, all you can really do with family members like that is remove the things they CLAIM are concerns, to buy yourself some time, even if their concerns are more in the nature of excuses.

    I agree with you that there's going to be a problem in the U.S. if families aren't willing to take care of their disabled members - especially the young'uns. And it's sad that so much emphasis is placed on individual fulfillment today that they wouldn't want to.
    Last edited by PhoenixFiresky; 12-11-2011 at 05:38 PM.

  5. #25
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    I agree todd. If my kid needed a home no matter the age, I would try to figure something out. I think a roommate situation, in an accessable apartment is what you need. IT may take time to find that, but that is what you need to find. your parents are harsh to just dump you.

    find a list of subsidised apartments. I actually came up for an apartment, but had moved to another state by then, but at least I know that eventually your name does come up. I would have been able to live about how I do now with splitting the rent and some expenses with a roommate. I get 666 a month. I dont pay for the cable so the bills are a little uneven, but it works out to be a good arragememt, as he does chores I cant, and i do the ones I can do even if I hate the chore.

    I hope you dont end up in a nursing home, but what about a group home with disabled adults? I would rather share an apartment with 1 od 2 people that I get along with, rather than not have a say in who I room with.

  6. #26
    I'm pulling for you, and am ready to help you through this transition in whatever way I can, Mandy.

    I know there's a ton of stuff happening very quickly right now, Mandy, but I want to ask you to make the time to do one small thing every morning and night: read the advice that Patrick left for you on page two.

    Even though this whole transition got started in a really shitty way, take ownership of what's happening. Make this the opportunity of a lifetime, one in which you take charge of what's happening. You can do it!

    I'm going to stop typing before my anger at your mother and step-father leads me to say something in public that I really shouldn't.

    It probably doesn't feel like it now, but this could be the best thing that's ever happened: a chance to really live your life. Carpe diem, Mandy!
    It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience.

    ~Julius Caesar


  7. #27
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    I agree with Hipcrip, this could just turn out to be a very good thing. Hoping and praying for you.

  8. #28
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    The best revenge is to live your life like you're done with your parents and you don't need them anymore. Trust me, I know.

    Pulling for you that you get your way and learn to live on your own!
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  9. #29
    Senior Member CurvySAT05's Avatar
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    (Written yesterday and added a couple things today). My mom came to visit for a few minutes this morning on her way to church. I asked her to bring me Starbucks so I had some good coffee. I am realizing after being here that I really did need to be in the hospital for a short tIme. I have Pain issues from the surgery that need to be handled in a hospital with IV meds. I also ended uP talking about my feelings of what happened with the situation Friday night/saturday. I get being upset/saddened that you can't help me get what I need out of my house, but really all I am missing is a room ("privacy"), and a shower that can fit both me AND my shower chair. I was making do with both by sleeping on an air mattress and showering at Casa when I would go for my outpatient appointments.
    My family and I will have a lot of talking to do in the next days/weeks/months but I think we can get through this. I am hoping to have an evaluation by Casa for admission later today or tomorrow. I don't know when I can transfer, but at least the process will be started.
    I have been really lucky to have good medical care here. Everyone from the CNA, RN and MD have been great.
    When I have my laptop I will respond to individual posts, but I thought I would give you all a small update.
    Mandy
    ~Mandy~
    SCI as a result of spinal surgery
    TiLite Aero Z!!!

  10. #30
    Senior Member CurvySAT05's Avatar
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    Oh, and as for some of the posts about the stairs to the front door, I have the ability to get in/out of the house through the garage, back door or side door my moms concern comes because we had our house robbed shortly before my generator was removed and the police think the robbers knocked on the door and I didn't hear it (I was in my room upstairs) and since there was no response they assumed no one was home and broke in through the back window. My step dad had the day off and I thought he was home, so I shrugged off the noise in the backyard and the movement upstairs (DSF is normally very noisy) until the robber opened my bedroom door. When they realized I was home they split really quick. There were 3 distinct shoe prints). That's why being able to respond to the front door was so important to my mom.
    ~Mandy~
    SCI as a result of spinal surgery
    TiLite Aero Z!!!

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