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Thread: Need some advise burying a parent

  1. #21
    Suspended Andy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Chicago IL
    I got the gears in motion this morning, went the the funeral home/cremation society place and had things started. They are supposed to pick him up tommorow. Viewing/urn type/etc to be decided later after I'm not running on 2 hr sleep. It's a couple hundred either way for whatever choices so I really dont care, the hard part is deciding.

    Death certificates/Doctor signing off on stuff/misc crap is being handled by the Funeral home so that is good. Property/money was in a trust where I'm secondary IIRC, so I just need to get a hold of the lawyer involved, probably deal with that on Monday. Really not looking forward to dragging ass up to his place and having to go though stuff. I think that will be the next hardest part.

    Thanks for the well wishes and advise, it helps having some experience along the way as this is my first immediate death. My dad was very nonchalant about the cremation, he basically said to everyone he related his wishes to, was cremation and then made a blowing sound while holding out his hand. The hard part is figureing where to do this and when.

    Just feeling really empty now and somewhat overwhelmed with the stuff I know I need to do. I miss my Dad, he was a great guy.

  2. #22
    Andy, I'm glad you were able to start the process and that the funeral home will handle most of the procedural issues. You're right, going up to the house and going through your dad's belongings will be very tough. Somehow, you will find the strength to do it - but, oh, yes, it is heartwrenching.

    Your grief will probably wash over you in great waves at first - one minute you might feel capable and resolute, the next awash in pain - but they will gradually even out in immensity and intensity over the course of the next year, and beyond. Let the tears come, and be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else suffering a great loss.

    One of the best pieces of advice I received after my parents' death was not to make any major life decisions (as far as that is possible, anyway) until a full year had elapsed, since grief on this scale interferes with our thought processes.

    Blessings in all the days ahead.

  3. #23
    So sorry Andy.

  4. #24
    Yep, you'll miss him. Sorry to not have even mentioned that, it's the unspeakable part. You'll probably feel kind of numb for a while, when you're not breaking down. It's God's way of getting us through the day.

    You'll be inspired re where to scatter him, I promise. Our fishing hole hit me upside one day, when I was agonizing about other details. Suddenly I KNEW where my brother wanted to be.

  5. #25
    Andy, so sorry for your loss. Regardless of their age, it is difficult to loose a parent.

    My father died just 3 years ago. He also desired cremation, and he and my mother both had a pre-paid plan, which made it much easier. We kept his ashes for a long time, more than 6 months after his memorial service (which was 3 years ago today). At the memorial service we had a big poster we made with old photos of my dad, and a DVD running of the same things with some of his favorite music, and everyone told stories. It was great.

    He wanted to have his ashes scattered at sea near the sailboat race course near his yacht club. We donated his boat to the Sea Scouts (per his wishes) and arranged with them to take out several boats to do this. My mother was not able to go as the boats were not wheelchair accessible, so she and my sister stayed on shore and watched via telescope from the yacht club and listened in by cell phone. We waited until the boats were available, the weather was good, and my sister (who lives out of town) was able to come back for this ceremony. I was able to do out on my dad's old boat.

    We had had an unfortunate experience with scattering ashes at a national park with my uncle, so my sister found a biodegradable ash urn on line (more like a box) which we packed the ashes into. I actually put the box over the side of the boat along with scattering roses from my dad's garden and leis we also purchased on line from all of us. We said a few prayers and read a couple poems as well. It was very moving, and not expensive. We all went out for dinner afterwards.

    Technically you have to have a permit to do this in the ocean within 3 miles of shore (and at a national park) but we didn't do this either time, and never were detected.

    The funneral home can arrange the flag from the VA if you let them know. Be sure you get enough copies of the death certificate....we needed at least 20 for many different needs. Social Security needs to be notified immediately on Monday as well.

    I hope you can find a way to do this that is meaningful for you and that meets your father's wishes as well.

    Last edited by SCI-Nurse; 11-11-2011 at 09:31 PM.

  6. #26
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Alberta, Canada
    So sorry, Andy.

  7. #27
    Andy -
    It sounds like you've got things moving OK. I went through this twice early this year - first my wife, then my Dad 3 weeks later. We are not religious, so things were all very private.
    The memorial services included only relatives and good friends, so we held both in our house - the funeral home was not involved in them at all. Friends helped arrange things and provided food (although for my Dad's we hired a caterer); I had some musician friends provide music before and during - music that was particularly meaningful to Carolyn and Dad. I wrote a bio of my wife for my sister-in-law to read (obviously I couldn't manage that), and my siblings and I wrote about our Dad, containing little stories of things we had learned about his life that others didn't know about; we each read ours. And then others were invited to speak. For those who didn't wish to speak themselves, we provided cards they could write on for a friend who was acting as facilitator to read out loud.
    Good deal there was a trust set up - that saves a HUGE amount of hassle. But there's still a lot to do. I'm still not finished with Dad's, 9 months later.
    Hope these ideas help. PM me if you want or email me: rfbdorf at onlinenw dit com.
    - Richard

  8. #28
    Senior Member ChesBay's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2001
    Coastal Virginia
    Very sorry for your loss Andy.

  9. #29
    Senior Member alan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Baltimore, MD
    Sorry for your loss, Andy. It always hurts.

    My mother's plans were set, so that helped. We belong to a Jewish burial society (Orthodox, actually), so they handled almost everything (we had to pick the rabbi for the funeral. We couldn't find the one that knew us - as a neighbor, not as congregants - so we used someone else.) The pine box, the funeral home, the burial site (next to my dad, it sat empty for 44 years.) That's my future, also, save the site is unknown.

    Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

  10. #30
    Moderator jody's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    east o the southern warren
    my sympathy for the loss of your dad Mr Andy.

    My mom died suddenly, with no prior arrangements for her death. we, my siblings and I all traveled from out of state to go to her.
    My brother contacted local funeral homes and found a place fairly quickly. cremation was around $5000.

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