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Thread: Need some advise burying a parent

  1. #11
    I am sorry to hear about your loss Andy. You will never regret carrying out your father's last wishes. Be strong.
    From the time you were born till you ride in a hearse, there is nothing so bad that it couldn't be worse!

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  2. #12
    Sorry to hear this Andy. I can't add anything to the great advice before but if he was a vet, I'm sure he would like to have a flag present. I contacted our local Vets association and they made sure he had an honor guard, a Marines flag was flown and a flag was presented to me as a token of apprecitation for his service.

    May he rest in peace Amen.

  3. #13
    Senior Member Foolish Old's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
    Florida Keys
    Sorry for your loss, Andy. It's normal to feel a bit lost and overwhelmed when you lose your dad. Grief often comes in waves. Just when you think you're okay, with no warning you find yourself underwater again. Don't worry about feeling too much or too little, you are in emotional shock and it takes time to become stable. There's no way to expedite the process and you have the rest of your life to work out your thoughts and feelings. You'll never stop missing your dad, but with time it will stop hurting so bad.

    As to the arrangements, it's pretty straight-forward. Call a reputable funeral home and talk to the funeral director. A good funeral director will be very experienced in helping you understand your options and will give you straight answers to direct questions. Don't feel awkward about asking questions about price and other practical considerations.

    If you are the executor of your dad's estate, take your time and do your homework before making any decisions. There's tons of information on line that will tell you everything you need to know. Remember that estate laws are state specific. A good lawyer and a good accountant can be very helpful. If you go that route, check them out and make sure they are experienced in estate and inheritance matters. Again, ask questions about fees and what they buy. I suggest you don't agree to pay anyone on a percentage basis.

    Take your time and remember to breathe. It really does get better with time.

    "We have met the enemy and he is us."-POGO.

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  4. #14
    Senior Member
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    May 2006
    Somewhere in the Rocky Mountains
    I am so sorry Andy. Do what your dad would have wanted. Others have given you the best advice here. (((hugs)))
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

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  5. #15
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Aug 2002
    Windsor ON Canada
    My condolences Andy - it's never easy no matter what age you are when you lose a parent.

    Let the funeral home take care of it - this is what they do and they can take care of you, and your father.

    If there's anything you need, don't hesitate to call - even if it's just to cry, vent and wail.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

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  6. #16
    Aw, man, I'm sorry. Welcome to the Official Club of Funeral Planners.

    Re what to do: Did your dad have wishes? (Knowing he preferred cremation is a HUGE start.) If he did, follow them. Was he a vet? The VA will pay for a small headstone, if you wish. And maybe you can start a flag collection. (Sorry, morbid humor. I give mine to the American Legion. 2 so far.)

    I've only planned thru funeral homes and also, once, a church (Mom).

    My blood relatives so far ar cremated, church service, ashes scattered in local fishing hole owned by unsuspecting corporation. Cost-$1200 to $2K.

    My husband, even w/ cremation, cost 5K due to his family's wishes-full service inside funeral home, overpriced urn. He was interred in his family's plot but had graveside service as well. It all adds up, quick.

    Music is important imo. I've run the gamut, depending on the deceased.

    MANY death certs. I'm still handing the damned things out for my husband.

    I'm so grateful my Mom discussed this w/ me, 2 weeks before she died. I think, in the main funerals are for the survivors. Do what comforts you and yours. Myself, I'd rather visit a fishing hole than a cemetery, when I get the need to commune w/ the departed. YMMV.

    I think I'd like to be scattered on a coral reef...and all my titanium needs to go to the scrapyard.

    If the service goes awry, try to relax. It's your dad saying hi. (My brother made the CD of Desperado skip, I reckon. Just in case it was sheer incompetence, I no longer deal w/ the funeral home of Eureka KS.)
    Last edited by betheny; 11-15-2011 at 06:44 PM.

  7. #17
    Senior Member
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    May 2006
    Central NJ
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    I send my deep est condolences Andy, and wish you peace and comfort.

  8. #18
    I had Mom's photo albums at the church lady lunch before her service. Guests were enthralled. If you do a memorial service enlarged photos on easels beat the hell out of a corpse in a coffin imo. Another reason cremation is so great.

    Sorry if I sound flippant. I run these events on humor and the occasional solo, loud, hair-rending meltdown.

    If your dad had no minister, I'd recommend asking his closest friends to eulogize. I hate a funeral w/ preachy-preachy about a stranger, by a stranger. Let the preacher pray, of course, it's comforting. But let those who knew him-you, if you're up to it-remember the man whose life mattered. And it DID, Andy. His life mattered. Don't forget.

    We bought an urn, used for my bro. Re-used it for Mom. Stupid thing will probably temporarily house Gaines's forever. We believe in getting our money's worth. We only use it for the service and on the way to the fishing hole anyway. You need a Phillips head screwdriver to open and close.
    Last edited by betheny; 11-11-2011 at 02:28 PM.

  9. #19
    We are sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself as you work through your sorrow and grief.

    All the best,
    GJ and NL

  10. #20
    Senior Member rdf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Someplace between Nowhere and Goodbye
    That's one of the roughest things in life, to lose a parent. That's why funeral parlors know what to do. They'll handle everything, Andy, and take some of the load off you while you're still coming to grips with your dad's death. Let them handle it. Stay strong, but tears help, they are a kind of release. I cried too, and not just a little bit. My dad was also cremated, and he wished for his ashes to be dumped into the little mountain creek where he and my mom spent their honeymoon. It felt good to do what he wanted. Best of luck to you, time will help even things out, it won't always feel like it does now.
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