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Thread: Feeling suicidal tonite

  1. #11
    Senior Member
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    i was lost also before i had children. focus on them, things may suck but it would suck 10x more for them if you were not around in any capacity. the best advice i got after breaking my back was from an old racer friend who had been in a wheelchair for 15 years already. "right now you need to make a huge choice. your life is going to suck, the piss, the bowel program, the need to rely on people for the rest of your life. your choice right now is whether to try and be positive for your family and friends that love you or be a selfish prick and be miserable or take the easy way out. 15 years later i can tell you the positive route is horrible and tough and is a burden no one should ever shoulder but you have to do it"
    p.s for him to go so far as to say a harsh word like "prick" i knew he meant business.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cripply View Post
    Recently turned 46, 6 years in a wheelchair...Suddenly it feels as if I cannot stand one more minute of sitting. This morning I was bothered that, in the interest of economy and helping others, I never got to show off my beautiful ankles and feet in killer pumps...I always wore cheap flat shoes. I looked at my feet this am and they looked like purple sausages. I am aware that I sound mentally deranged in this post.
    And the never ending pain...the ax on my right hip, the knitting needle twisting in my left hip, my legs boiling and my upper back being stabbed at intervals
    How much more is it possible to endure?
    I don't have any other words than....I understand. I feel your pain and the boiling/stabbing/twisting and I know the tired feeling. It wears you down.

    You are not deranged at all.

    Hang on...you are a beautiful person. We have talked before and I remember how much your family means to you. I hope something good comes your way tomorrow.
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

    My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. ~Author Unknown

  3. #13
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    Didn't you do a marathon or were into sports before or do I have the wrong person?

    I hope it's better by morning ... sometimes these things grab hold and only time will relieve the feeling. I speak from experience and it's happened many times in my life and probably will again and again. I get more at peace each time if that makes you feel any better (26yrs post here at age 39).
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  4. #14
    I constantly battle the dark angels. best advice is find one thing the next day you really want to do and focus on it. if the next day is no better work one day at a time. if find the darkest times last only a few days after which i can focus further along.

    arndog advised to let go of my last self and be what I am, been working that as well but it is a longer term coping mechanism.

    hang in there, as so many here who have helped me when on the edge there are people wo want/love and need us despite what we see as a dimininshed self.

    strength

    ket
    Kindly,

    The Ketamine Kitty

    All the tears, all the pain, all the rage through the night (apolgies to the rewrite) RR

    Next time I die make sure I'm gone,
    don't leave 'em nothing to work on JT

    And I ain't nothin but a dream JM

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by smirking1 View Post
    i was lost also before i had children. focus on them, things may suck but it would suck 10x more for them if you were not around in any capacity. the best advice i got after breaking my back was from an old racer friend who had been in a wheelchair for 15 years already. "right now you need to make a huge choice. your life is going to suck, the piss, the bowel program, the need to rely on people for the rest of your life. your choice right now is whether to try and be positive for your family and friends that love you or be a selfish prick and be miserable or take the easy way out. 15 years later i can tell you the positive route is horrible and tough and is a burden no one should ever shoulder but you have to do it"
    p.s for him to go so far as to say a harsh word like "prick" i knew he meant business.
    Wow...this is some great advice. Difficult choices. 1 of them is the right one, but the other 2 are possibilities you can always fall back on when times get tough. Although the 3rd choice is pretty final.

    I think it is good to keep the suicide choice available in your back pocket; the fact that it is still a "choice" at least gives you some freedom. You will hopefully never need to pull out that card, but it is always yours should you really need it.

    I feel so bad for people who do not even have the suicide card as a choice (super high level quads, say). Choice is power.

    Good luck my friend and stay strong. I am learning just now that difficult times change and get better.

  6. #16
    I'm so sorry you're feeling so lost. What medications are you on? Sometimes certain meds can amplify feelings of sorrow.
    You sound like you have a full life with many loved ones around you, try to stay focused on those good things.
    Perhaps some of the other physical sufferings...can be addressed by a good PT, or even better, a female mentor in a similar circumstance. Maybe a peer support group.
    Good luck, feel better
    "The sweet is not as sweet without the bitter"
    ~"Vanilla Sky"~

  7. #17
    Thanks for all the posts...I agree that the suicide card is almost like a defense mechanism that there's a way out. Lynnifer: a marathon? me? No, I have been trying to get into an exercise program but no luck yet.
    I really have it easy compared to others: no atrophy whatsoever in my legs (which I attribute to the fact that I chose to never treat my spasms), pee and poop normally (quasi, but no catheters and never any accidents), lots of normal sensation in my legs, a job...But the pain and the claustrophobia are too much at times. I do have very significant pain, which is really exhausting. The pain is so bad at times that my heart rate shoots up and I have visions of tortures from the Medieval times: torn ligaments, hot iron, stabbing...
    This injury is a cruel joke. In the past, nobody would have survived it for long. Advances in medicine mean that we survive an injury that was designed to be lethal in nature. Thus, each and every one of us show incredible courage just by surviving it each day, as we humans were not designed to cope with it well.
    Thanks everybody and God bless

  8. #18
    Hey Cripply, I'm so sorry you're having a rough patch. It happens to all of us from time to time. You know the hills and valleys of this condition. What is a bad day can turn into a very good tomorrow. It sounds like you have a lot to live for. Hang on.

    In the meantime, I'll tell you a funny story about shoes. I finally put all my stiletto heels in a box in the closet. I just couldn't bear looking at them anymore. I happened to share this with a very fashionable friend who told me that there are now wedge shoes with a platform toe so the body of the foot is almost flat in what looks like a wedge shoe. She showed me hers and I burst out laughing. I can wear trainers and ShapeUps. That's it. I'd kill myself on three-inch platforms! Ah yeah....that was funny. Only an SCI female would understand.

    Chin up and look for better days.

  9. #19
    He-he. That's it! I ordered a pair of miu mius with killer heels, ridiculously expensive...Will glue them to the pedestals if need be. Will upload pics when they arrive.

  10. #20
    I wear stiletto heels! Have you actually tried? Lower foot rest to accommodate It's boot season which is the best bc boots compress swelling
    "The sweet is not as sweet without the bitter"
    ~"Vanilla Sky"~

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