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Thread: am afraid i may not be here much longer

  1. #11
    Quote Originally Posted by Le Type Français View Post
    I didn't read suicide in Cass' post at all. If anything, Cass rails against it if you've read more of her posts.

    I will go on record as fully supporting suicide. Fuck those it leaves behind. You know the people it leaves behind? The people who will be living it up within weeks and fucking, drinking, eating, and living life to the fullest.
    amen.
    My mouth is like a magician's hat, never know what might come out of it.

  2. #12
    Totally get it cass.
    Have you thought about a service dog?
    Hiring someone to come in and prepare your meals, do laundry etc?

    It sucks.
    Get involved in politics as if your life depended on it, because it does. -- Justin Dart

    I shall not tolerate ignorance or hate speech on this site.

  3. #13
    this is so very very difficult to read..I shouldnt post as I dont have enough knowledge or background and you are so wise and smart (have really enjoyed your post esp. re travel advice), I am sure you have considered all the options...I could think of...but..

    have you considered posting on craigslist ..providing a room in exchange for some companionship and assistance?

    There are so many people out of work and in situations they need to get out of.shelter and support may be all they want in exchange for the help you need.

    Also, is love out of the picture? Can you date, pen pal or communicate with someone who may be looking for a bright amazing woman to provide the spark they need to find a way out of the darkness of lonliness.

    Sorry if anything I say is offensive or totally not helpful..as I admit I have no real background..I just hope that you find something...
    "The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same.” ~Carlos Castaneda

  4. #14
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    Cass, I am not sure I have the skills to convey what I want to, but no matter what I still consider life a precious gift. We all have a finite time on planet earth, and while most people push it to the back of their consciousness, Buddhists believe that each day we live is one day closer to our "candle going out." Losses, while incredibly painful, are part of the human condition. I am not minimizing, and I have suffered some huge losses in my life. One of the ways I deal with it is to realize that those who have died are within me still. I remember our times together, I celebrate our shared laugther and tears, and while I am pretty weak on the whole theology thing, if there were some grand reunion in another world after I leave this one I realize that so many people I have cared about in my life are already waiting for my arrival. Like you, I no longer can work. I never had children, and I have virtually no family, so yes, I think the word "alone" could be used if that was my parameter for measurement. In truth, I have people who care about me deeply, and who I care about just as deeply. I may not have anyone under my roof beyond two sister kitties, but I am not alone in the deeper sense of the word. Nor are you. You are cared about here, and have many people who wish you well, who wish we could lighten the load a bit for you, and who share of ourselves in an effort to try to help, even if sometimes that probably falls short of the mark. Sending you hugs.

  5. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Le Type Français View Post
    I didn't read suicide in Cass' post at all. If anything, Cass rails against it if you've read more of her posts.

    I will go on record as fully supporting suicide. Fuck those it leaves behind. You know the people it leaves behind? The people who will be living it up within weeks and fucking, drinking, eating, and living life to the fullest.
    Todd, you know I love you buddy, but your thoughts about those left behind after a suicide or even a suicide attempt are not always true, especially if it is someone you have loved who has suicided. There is nothing more painful for a child than a parent who suicides. They are left with life- long haunting questions, including "didn't she love me enough to stay?" and "how could I have prevented this." Sure, they eat, they go back to work, they put on the face of normalacy and go out into the world, but do so with a heart that is irrevocably broken, and a sense of trust that is shattered.

  6. #16
    Cass, I feel like you have sunk in a hole physically and emotionally and there seems no way out. Combine this with lonliness and losing the purpose you had in your very admirable professional life has pushed you further down.
    I don't have an answer how how to get out of that hole.
    Would having someone come in a few hours help you or be an option?
    FO's words made my eyes water up. I wish I could help you somehow.
    Please keep posting whatever you feel like saying.

  7. #17
    Moderator Obieone's Avatar
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    Always listening cass ....... we're always listening !!

    Obie
    ~ Be the change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Gandi


    " calling all Angels ...... calling all Angels ....walk me through this one .. don't leave me alone .... calling all Angels .... calling all Angels .... we're tryin' and we're hopin' cause we're not sure how ....... this .... goes ..."
    Jane Siberry

  8. #18
    cass, do you think your pain issues could be helped so that you can eat and enjoy the little things in life more? It's awfully hard to live for years as a super achiever then get sidelined from work, and really hard to deal with losing your family. The past few years I've lost almost everyone...I won't even answer the phone late at night now.

    One feels totally alone...nobody I know, at my age, has lost both parents, a sibling, and almost everbody else, much less dealt with SCI, divorce, etc. My life story sounds like a bad country and western song....even includes the train and 'other woman'.

    if you really feel that your health is declining to the point you're in the last inning of the game, you deserve the best quality of life you can get. Patients with chronic back pain are rx'd huge amounts of narcotic pain meds (this may offend some). Frankly I don't understand why SCI patients that have given it their 'all', and in failing health, shouldn't be allowed to be medicated to the point of being pain-free and anxiety-free so they can enjoy pottering around in a garden, or growing orchids inside, or baking, or reading or writing romance novels, get a kitten or a goofy dog from the animal shelter, or writing a book on engineering or whatever gives you joy in life.

    I hope you can talk to your son too...can he understand your worries and deal with them and be supportive?

    Wherever you are on this journey from birth to death, you deserve the very best quality of life. I'm sure others on this forum have ideas about community resources that might be available. If spirituality/religion is a comfort to you, avail yourself of that. Is there a church nearby with people worthy of you? Do whatever you need to do. I'm an idiot newbie here, but from the posts it's obvious you've done a lot for a lot of people and accomplished a lot in life.

    Wishing you peace and comfort

  9. #19
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    There was an excellent article on pain management (or lack thereof) in my local paper this weekend. It made me think of you and others here that suffer constant pain:

    http://www.windsorstar.com/health/pa...126/story.html

    Sometimes, when the pain drugs don't reach her, Lous Heshusius lies on the floor as still as a corpse. "Please," she'll whisper to herself, "Please, let it pass."

    She says there have been moments when she's imagined taking a knife and cutting through the muscles and tissues in her shoulder and neck, just to ease the unbearable tightness.

    It has been 15 years since the car crash that nearly killed her. Fifteen years and more than 30,000 hours of pain — stabbing, burning pain so intense at times she cannot think or speak. The kind of pain that paralyzes, says the woman from Sooke, B.C. "It's like going into another world."

    She has no memory of the impact, no memory of being broadsided by a car travelling 90 kilometres an hour as she pulled away from a stop sign on a country road north of Toronto in September of 1996. No memory of her car being rammed across the intersection and flipping into a ditch.

    When police found her unconscious and slumped in the mangled front seat, her face bloodied from the shattered glass of the windshield she hit when her seat belt came undone, they thought she was dead. Doctors at the hospital told her the force of the impact was so intense that her neck could have been broken; death could have been instant ...
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

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  10. #20
    How about doing contract work. Where you get a job and do it on your own.
    Is SCORE still around? It was retired engineers that advised people on small projects.

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