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Thread: Is verbal abuse a normal sign of caregiver burnout?

  1. #11
    Senior Member canuck's Avatar
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    While I sort of agree with ECUrach85 you also have to factor in that a) some people are just aholes b) some people are just not cut out to be caregivers.

    Hmm guess I should have been clearer re the not cut out to be caregivers, she might just have hit her personal tolerence level which could be a lot lower then the "norm" I agree she shouldn't be physically or verbally abusing your sister. I can see the verbal abuse being more damaging in the long term.
    Last edited by canuck; 05-31-2011 at 04:37 AM. Reason: clarifying

  2. #12
    I guess your right but this just seems excessive. No excuses IMO

  3. #13
    mom is working during the day and being kept up at night = recipe for disaster, imo. that situation needs to be addressed asap, i'd think. some excellent advice has been given. i hope you take action. this could take a bad turn if it continues. i hope you can find some solution soon.

  4. #14
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Speaking as an in-the-trenches, 7 year experienced 24/7 caregiver of a high level quad, that mother's behavior is 100% OUT OF LINE. It is abusive, absolutely and there is NO excuse whatsoever for it. I am awake at night too and yes, its hard, but I would NEVER do what she has done. Good luck getting help for your sister, I am so sorry that you are all in this situation.

    p.s. This is happening with 70 hours a week of attendant care?!?!? Wow. What I wouldn't give for THAT! There is simply NO excuse, I totally agree with eucrach

  5. #15
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack21222 View Post
    I'm afraid to say anything to my mother, because she has let me move back in to her house while I finish my degree, and I don't want to be kicked out of the house myself... but I don't want her yelling at my sister for no reason.
    Sleep deprivation can cause a person to act pretty crazy. How about you offer to take over your sister's night care. If something happens where your sister needs personal care (bowel/bladder), you can wake your mother up. Otherwise, you should be able to take a huge strain off your mother's shoulders by doing the changing of position, pillow moving, water, etc.
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  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by zillazangel View Post
    Speaking as an in-the-trenches, 7 year experienced 24/7 caregiver of a high level quad, that mother's behavior is 100% OUT OF LINE. It is abusive, absolutely and there is NO excuse whatsoever for it. I am awake at night too and yes, its hard, but I would NEVER do what she has done. Good luck getting help for your sister, I am so sorry that you are all in this situation.

    p.s. This is happening with 70 hours a week of attendant care?!?!? Wow. What I wouldn't give for THAT! There is simply NO excuse, I totally agree with eucrach
    yes, zilla. and you're likely younger and you chose your situation, didn't you? please, let's not judge those we don't know. let's just help.

  7. #17
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    I have the right to judge in my opinion. She is just wrong, wrong, wrong in all regards. She should step away before it got this bad since they have available attendant care. Any good caregiver and human being knows when to cry uncle!

  8. #18
    Moderator jody's Avatar
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    im so sorry this is happening. im glad you have seen this though. with so many care hours available, why is your mom needing to be her constant care provider?

    have you been able to talk with your sister, to see what extent this has gotten to?
    and the fact that you are afraid to say something to your mom for fear of getting thrown out, says a lot.

    when has your mother last seen a Dr? If this is a sudden personality change, I would be more worried about your moms physical health. you would know if she has an abusive personality being her daughter.
    stress can affect a person in all sorts of ways, but so can early onset alzheimers, cancer that has matastasized, mini stroke, diabetes that is untreated, or narcodic abuse, just to name a few things that can change a person in a drastic way.

    I dont mean you should suspect these things, but well, when members of my family became suddenly agressive, it turned out to be small cell carcinoma that had traveled to the brain.


    Thank you for looking out for your sister, and welcome to care cure.
    I hope you and your family can work through this and effect a change for the better. just from what you have written, one can see that you and your family have been through some hard times.

    wishing you the best with this situation.

  9. #19
    My parents were married for 58 years and the last 25 years my mother had Alzheimer and the last year were very hard for him because he was old, over 80 and they had half an hour help every week for helping my mother take a bath. Before that she didn't take a bath for half a year.

    She was doing a lot of strange things. like putting the meat under the sofa in the living room and under the bed and it rotten and she couldn't finished a whole sentence. And she was asking for the time ever 10 minutes, In the end he called me and told me he had been hitting her in frustration because he was so tired and he was the most kind man, I have never seen anybody keeping Alzheimer patients so long at home as he did, he loved her a lot and she was not even kind to him. I found her a place in a nursing home and after three month he died, he was so tired taking care of her. And I don't think he could live without her.

    I know SCI and Alzheimer is not the same thing but what I try to say that everybody have their limit of how long they can make it. I couldn't help out because they were living in the second floor without lift.
    So I think nobody should judge anybody when it comes to caregiving. I think my father did a great job taking care of her all alone for so many years but nobody expected him to keep her home for so long. And when she was moved to the nursing home, they took all her money and he didn't have money for the house rent or other bills. I didn't know it at the time but found out later when he died and I took over my mother's needs in the nursing home and even that was enough job for me to pay her bills and buy her clothes with my money and visit her every week. And I was 35 years younger than my father.

    So never judge anybody if you haven't been in their shoes. Another thing is that I think it is worse when your children get sick or get a SCI, it is hard on the parents.
    TH 12, 43 years post

  10. #20
    This isn't being judgmental. It's just wrong. You don't verbally abuse somebody for any reason. Unless they are jerks themselves

    Ok so a husband and wife are having a hard time. He works 10 hrs a day at a high stress job and gets very little sleep due to sleep apnea, insomnia..whatever. She asks him if he can take the trash out and he calls her a lazy ass bi$$$, grabs her face and says do it your d$$$ self! But Lets not judge this man. He's getting only 4-5 hours of sleep and working all day

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