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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #51
    Senior Member WolfeMan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2009
    Bealeton, Virginia
    Quote Originally Posted by darkeyed_daisy View Post
    Take your loans and make a plan for getting independent. Even if you can't drive, that may mean relocating to an area that has mass transit so you can go to and from a job. You seem pretty independent aside from driving.

    You have two bachelors degrees and now racking up more debt on a masters and hoping a job will be there? I can't understand this concept?

    When I made my plan for independence, I chose a degree that I would enjoy but that would provide me a job in the end that would give me a check and provide opportunities for advancement. Seems to me you might be a professional student? Could you get a job based on what you already have?

    I am your age and have worked for years while raising a child alone and is the reason why I am asking these questions. I did not accumulate massive student loans.

    You speak about having no work history to collect SSDI. This is troubling.

    What kind of jobs specifically will you be qualified for with the degrees you are seeking? Is it feasible for you to be able to do with your disability? There are lots of jobs I can do but I have to choose ones I can do with my disability.
    I haven't read all the replies, but this one sticks out to me and you should listen to what she's saying and heed her advice.

    Again, not reading all of the responses, this is my take. Your husband has a problem with your disability and maybe you, because of your disability. If this is indeed the case, get on your feet (so to speak) as fast as you can and get rid of him NOW. I'm not trying to be a jerk, just being blunt and truthful. Unfortunately, in my opinion (which isn't worth much) you are a burden to him and he's a very shallow jerk. If he can't take 2 minutes to make his wife happy, he's very inconsiderate ass. He married you unconditionally, whether or not he knew about your disability. YOU deserve to be happy, one way or the other and just from what I've read he's not making you happy, you want and need happiness and if the man you're married to can't take you as you are, then he doesn't deserve you.

    I'm speaking from my own experiences by what I'm saying, I don't know your husband, but I see red flags all over the place.

    Good luck, keep your chin up and do whatever you can to make YOU happy. Being alone sucks, but being with someone that makes you unhappy is even worse.
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  2. #52
    Senior Member keps's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    United Kingdom
    According to her profile, PhoenixFiresky hasn't visited CC since May 3rd. I hope she's ok.

  3. #53
    Maybe she was offended at being criticized for doing a PhD...

    just a thought. I admire anyone who can put herself through a program like that.

    It's not just about "get a job"--sometimes it's about your passion and intellectual calling.

    I'm not criticizing anyone here, just saying I'd be hurt at some of these comments. Wish I could have done a doctorate, but I had to feed myself.

  4. #54
    Quote Originally Posted by grommet View Post
    This is a tricky one. I have to be assertive with my girlfriend sometimes when she just want's to "run in" and get something because it would be easier. I totally understand. I wouldn't want to deal with someone's wheelchair everytime if I could just run across the street real quick and pick something up myself.

    But since I am the one who has the wheelchair and I am excluded from so many things everyday, I don't want her running into a store for me or without me. I've gotten pretty good at getting the chair into and out of the car fast.

    It's not easy. We have to try and understand each other and give a little too. I have friends with more severe disabilities and yeah, I get frustrated sometimes having to wait for them or needing to help them. Sometimes I'm in a rush to get to the bathroom or grab something to eat or just want to do something quick.

    Finding the one you love and who loves you is so hard. I think if there's any way to learn to communicate better (which I think is almost always the problem), do anything you can to find it. Disability is never easy and sometimes it's just too damn hard but it doesn't only affect us but those around us too. What's the right thing to do? I don't know, but man if there's any way to make it work, I'd sure as hell try.

    I'm friends with a couple, he is AB and she is a high-injury quad. I've never seen him show any frustration helping her. Geez, I after a while I would. But she's not my wife, I'm not in love with her.

    I don't know about long-term, I've never made it that far. I hope I never lose my girlfriend because of something related to my disability. Heck, I hope I never lose her.

    Good luck :-)
    You said it right there.....He is not in love with her anymore.....simple.


  5. #55
    Join Date
    Feb 2009
    London Ontario Canada
    Give him a way out and see if he goes. Then you will find your answer. Have a plan for yourself, and be prepared for the worst. I know that it's a scary thought to be on your own... but if he's not into it anymore then you are just waisting your time. Find your independance and perhaps yourself again. Don't let him define who you are, what you do etc...

  6. #56
    I'd like to thank everyone who offered their opinions and support here. After reading your comments, I'm happy to say that, even though hubby didn't admit he was wrong, he change his behavior and made a routine of willingly offering to unload my chair for me if I wanted to come along on errands. Not ideal, but a big change from his former behavior.

    We had some serious discussions about my level of disability, which has increased slowly over the years, without us noticing. I've been reassessing what changes have happened, and will be making changes to allow myself to be more independent and a bigger help around the house, which will probably make DH feel less overwhelmed. I think it's time I transitioned into using a manual wc on a daily basis, because my pain level upon standing has gotten very restrictive.

    I will be finishing my M.A. in a year or two, which will also help. I will be able to live on my own at that point, if I want to, and if we stay together my husband will no longer have to be the sole breadwinner. Hopefully, all these changes put together will make our relationship more balanced and healthier for both of us.

    Thanks again, CC!

  7. #57
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    last house on the left
    Ouch. You are right, not that it makes it any easier for you. Are you able to drive at all? A van with ramp or lift would mean independence if you can physically and financially afford it. Is there a paratransit system in your area that you could call to take you places in your powerchair? OK, I just noticed how old this thread is..............still, maybe helpful so I will post it......

  8. #58
    Nope, can't get a license - I have a seizure disorder. :-p.
    I'm working on the paratransit. I'm a little hesitant about it because I had whiplash a long time ago, and now my neck is really easy to reinjure. I have to ride lying half reclined in the car, with a pillow behind my neck. If I lift my head and we hit a bump, I can be really hurting for a week. I know I should see a doctor, and it's on the "to do" list...just hard to schedule with hubby's work and school. But if DH and I don't stay together I'll need it, and if we do stay together, then anything I can do to increase my level of independence is a good thing.

    I'm seeing a psychologist now. She specializes in Asperger's, and thinks that my husband probably has it. So that MAY explain his lack of empathy. Apparently, male Aspies often seem like complete jerks, because they have no understanding of how other people feel. We're working on's slow, but improving, I think. It would explain a lot, if that's the problem. (The other day, my hubby told me a coworker had informed hubby that the very first words hubby had ever said to the coworker were "are you racist?" That's pretty typical. He can be a lot of fun, but...)

    So the good news is that he's probably not cheating, as has been suggested. (Aspies very seldom cheat.) The bad news is that his disability is going to make my disability more difficult to deal with.

  9. #59
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    last house on the left
    To be honest, if I was in your situation I would wear a cervical collar if I needed to while using a paratransit system. Independence is that valuable to me, and wearing a collar during the ride and then tossing it in a backpack isn't that big a deal.

  10. #60
    I tried one of those soft cervical collars, but it didn't help. There are a few different reasons for why I'm not on the paratransit system here, and getting past them is going to take some time. I was on it before, then we moved to a different city, then we came back here again relatively recently and I've been busy with school since then.

    I agree that some more independence would be a good thing. My independence just sort of eroded over the years, while I was busy raising my son and going to school, and I'm only recently realizing how limited my mobility has become. In addition to the intermittant muscle weakness, when I was 15 I learned I had a birth defect that the doctor said would eventually (around the time I got to 40), end me up in a wheelchair from the pain if it wasn't corrected. But my adoptive father wasn't willing to have the defect corrected, so here I am. I was hoping the doctor would turn out to be wrong (their predictions so often are!) but I'm 44 now, and down to only about 30 minutes of standing time per day, so he was pretty much on target. Now, I'm just going to have to adjust.

    I think part of the problem is that it has snuck up on my family, as well. They've heard me complain about pain occasionally (like after Thanksgiving prep!) but I don't think the degree that my mobility has changed has really registered. My son was shocked yesterday when I said that it was time for the wheelchair - he'd thought I was still years off from needing one consistently. My husband is so far out of it that he forgot I needed a moderately wheelchair accessible house and he got one with two upstairs bedrooms! As the psychologist pointed out, the fundamental problem is that I'm the one in the family who takes care of everyone else - so when I need taking care of, nobody really notices and, if they do, they have no idea what to do about it.

    I'm not sure what my abilities will be once I get the manual wheelchair and develop some muscles from it. My electric is one of those cheap travel ones, and it was advertised as having "up to a 10 mile range" - but goes so much less than that it's ridiculous. (I asked the company, they insisted it's not defective, therefore not their responsiblity.) I can barely make it through the grocery store, let alone spend a lot of time shopping or out and about with it, so until I get the manual figured out, the paratransit can't help much anyway.

    In retrospect, I think leaving the city where I was diagnosed was a mistake. Other orthopedic surgeons who specialize in birth defects won't see me, because they are pediatric specialists - but regular orthopedic surgeons (according to the surgeon who diagnosed me and my own experience) have never heard of the problem I've got and insist I'm making a fuss about nothing. This leaves me with no doctors to sign the paratransit request, or order wheelchairs, etc. Sorting it out is going to take some time. Does that make more sense?

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