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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #31
    All the best. Its great to see that you are working things out.

  2. #32


    What are you going to school for?

  3. #33
    Quote Originally Posted by dispatchjen View Post
    What are you going to school for?
    Well, a couple of years ago I got a B.A. in history, with a focus on the development of Christianity, and another on Native American history. Then I decided I didn't love it enough to spend the rest of my life studying it, so I switched to sociology in grad school. So far, it's fun.

    Looks like I've taken two steps forward and one back with my husband. (sigh) I asked him what he'd decided after reading the website, and he told me that he'd come to the conclusion that everyone here was basically just saying they didn't like being told what to do - so naturally, he figured, they'd think they shouldn't be told to wait in the car.

    According to him, he still hasn't been given a real reason why it's WRONG for him to get mad about putting my chair in and out, or to make me wait in the car because it's easier. That's what he says he needs - a moral/ethical reason it's wrong so he can get a logical handle on it. Can anyone here break it down for him?
    Last edited by PhoenixFiresky; 05-03-2011 at 03:29 AM. Reason: husband is an idiot

  4. #34

    Ask your husband how he would feel if he couldn't go shopping anymore -- not because he chose not to do so, but because he needed to depend on someone else to make it happen, and that person refused to help.

    It's a difficult point to argue from a purely logical/practical standpoint, because if someone else can do it for you, then shopping is not something you absolutely need to be able to do in order to survive. But if you're forced to live that way -- having other people do things for you that you should be able to do yourself, even with assistance -- it's like being five years old again. Healthy adults have the freedom to choose when and where they go shopping, and what they're going to buy. Because you are not healthy, and your health issues come with certain physical limitations, you're basically already being forced into a dependent position for certain things that can't be helped. Your husband is just making that worse, by not doing everything he can to remove the barriers he does have some control over.

    If you want an ethical argument, I think it has to be about respect. It's simply not respectful, and just plain wrong, to trap someone in your car against their will, because that happens to be the easy thing to do. The fact that you are being trapped by practical considerations (the hassle of getting the wheelchair out of the car) rather than ill will on the part of your husband doesn't make all that much of a difference. The end result is the same: you're trapped in the car while you shouldn't be.

  5. #35
    Senior Member
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    May 2006
    Central NJ
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    That's just a crock of shit. He's trying to pretend there is no justification for doing something other than morality or ethics? Does he never watch sports, watch a movie, eat a pizza, call a friend? And what is moral or ethical about hyper consumerism, unless he feels a moral need to ensure the wages of the workers in the Chinese jeans manufacturer plant.

    Marriage is a partnership of interdependence. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm sure you carry plenty of the weight in the relationship. It also is supposed to be based on mutual love and respect, and interest in helping your partner best inhabit her life.

    Saying that we collectively are responding to your situation as we are because we "don't like being told what to do" is patronizing and ludicrous. And certainly we each share that particular blindness to reason based on our emotions, while he individually is most definitely in the right.

    It seems like he might've been absent during an important week in kindergarten.

    Treating you with respect and complying with reasonable requests is a normal expectation for any human relationship, let alone a marriage. It also is simply decent, kind, considerate, fair… all moral qualities in my book. But if he really needs that spelled out further, it is neither moral nor ethical to treat your spouse like a child or pet

    I'm sorry, words really are failing me as I attempt to state the incredibly obvious.

  6. #36
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    North Carolina, USA
    Did he not notice that I am a CAREGIVER and I think he's full of sh*t???? I am the one DOING the work, so I am not someone who "doesn't like to be told what to do".

    You make alot of excuses for him, and I don't know the full situation of course, but I think it's time for some seriously tough love from you to him!

  7. #37


    I think he is an ass a big one. Why do you stay with him!

  8. #38
    The moral/ethical reason is that it is unkind.

    Spouses (indeed, people) do things for each other. They do things that the other person is unable to do (get the wheelchair out of the car), and things that the person is able to do (get the butter out of the fridge).

  9. #39
    Senior Member keps's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    United Kingdom
    It would make you happier to be able to get out of the car - isn't that good enough for your husband? It bloody well should be.
    Isn't he interested in making you as happy as you can be?

  10. #40
    Senior Member djrolling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Salisbury NC
    If it added an hour to your shopping trip it would be different....What does he think, That he is Spock on Star trek? He is trying to derail things because he has no real case here. IMO he needs to man up and be one....A man...

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