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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #21
    I think the main issue is not the inconvenience, but something else. You have been on wheelchair for 20 years, so why is he feeling inconvenient now? I don't think it is even about the money.

    May be your husband is just getting too fed up of all the illness. Sorry for being harsh, but I think your husband is feeling "this is never going to end, we are going to be like this forever"! He is obviously getting older and getting tired of all the pressure and problems.

    I would suggest that you go into counseling. Your husband might be feeling caregiver fatigue. Therapy might help.

  2. #22
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    I've said this before - it sounds like the beginning of the end of the marriage. Maybe a trial separation to re-evaluate why you're together?
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

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  3. #23
    Quote Originally Posted by lynnifer View Post
    I've said this before - it sounds like the beginning of the end of the marriage. Maybe a trial separation to re-evaluate why you're together?
    Honestly, that's what it sounds like to me, too. Either you and your husband work out whatever the real issue is here, or you're going to find yourself at the end of the road before you know it. Counseling may help with caregiver burnout, if that's in fact what's going on here. It may help with some other issues, too. So go do that.

  4. #24
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    I don't know if we really know enough to write the relationship off so soon. I found the way he handles this situation totally unacceptable, and was feeling pretty offended, but we don't know if there might be extenuating circumstances – obviously some other issue – that might be addressed and resolved.

    Regarding caregiver burnout, I didn't get the sense that he does a lot of caregiving, though obviously I could be wrong. Again, I hardly think transferring a wheelchair counts as much of anything if it's not physically challenging.

    But I think we should give the guy a bit of a break, let him think about what else might be going on that maybe some good communication could resolve. I wonder, Firesky, if you might invite him to float any questions/concerns/issues in other forums where he could be anonymous and not linked to this thread, and see if he might be able to work out whatever's going on. I think we are all right now feeling pretty defensive of you, but I think we also would be sympathetic to any difficulties or fears he might be experiencing.

    Or yes, counseling.

    And YES, please get medical attention for your new things. None of that is trivial, and you never know what might be helped, or could be stopped.

  5. #25
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    Well a few things kind of jumps out at me...

    In another thread you say you have a 24 year old son that you raised mostly on your own but you have been married 20 years.
    http://sci.rutgers.edu/forum/showpos...2&postcount=14
    You have had a muscle wasting disease since you were 15 so your husband knew you had these issues when he married you and your son for better or for worse. You said you just switched to an electric wheelchair so I am assuming that he is getting a manual chair out of the back of the car and not the electric.

    I think there are some underlying issues here that we don't know about and it is not just about getting your chair out of the car.

    I assume the reason for the separate bank accounts are the garnishments you are talking about but usually a married couple has a joint account.

    What I don't understand is if you have seizures which renders you unable to drive and you have had this other condition since you were 15, have you worked any of those years to be entitled to disability payments? If you worked and paid into the system you would be entitled to Medicare which could help with your expensive insurance you are having to pay. $3,000 a month is rediculous for insurance....

    Anyway forgive my bluntness but the husband sounds like an ass. My recent dealings with the opposite sex has jaded me so I have no time to deal with asses and people who treat others like shit yet call themselves loving, caring, and sensitive. He also sounds a bit irresponsible from what you describe.

    I would not use my school money...when he tied the knot, he agreed to keep the gas paid. Take care of yourself and see a doctor if you need to.
    T12-L2; Burst fracture L1: Incomplete walking with AFO's and cane since 1989

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  6. #26
    Senior Member fishin'guy's Avatar
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    I too have a muscle wasteing disease, my arms should be huge after rolling around fishin' in this chair, but alas, their skinny as hell, but strong. Just keep on plugging, a counselor may be the answer, or maybe it's just time to be on your own ?? . Good luck(have you gone to a rheumatologist)

  7. #27
    Thank you all for your comments and support. I got my husband to take a look at the thread - he says he'll have to give a few days' thought to it before he can tell me whether his opinion has changed. He has been better about helping me the past few days, though, so I'm hoping it made an impression.

    Several people had asked if DH might be having issues with my disability. Apparently, it's the opposite - in spite of the wheelchair making regular appearances in my life (and 9 mos. last summer when I couldn't use one arm!) he'd never even NOTICED it! He told me before reading the thread that, even though he has lived with me for 20 years, he has never thought of me as being disabled - just "inconvenienced". (Not sure what he thought a disability IS if he doesn't think it means "inconvenience," because I think that's a pretty good definition!) If I hadn't read Katja's post on getting a stairlift, I never would've believed he could really have overlooked it, but as it is I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. He also questioned why, if I'm not disabled, I'm not getting money from the government. Random had asked about that on this thread also. Fact is, I don't have the work history to qualify for SSDI and I DID receive SSI for years in Texas, but hubby gets paid just a bit too much for me to qualify now. I also got help from Voc Rehab with school, but there were a LOT of hoops to jump through just to get tuition covered, so I decided to do loans like every other college student. Hubby and I have an agreement that they can be used for my own needs, like medical bills, clothes, medicine and other things I need, and that way he doesn't have to try to keep track of what my bills will be in order to work them into the budget. Basically, he pays rent and utilities and buys gas for the car, and I am responsible for paying for anything else I need from my loans.

    Darkeyed_daisy had asked about me being married 20 years, but raising my 24 year old son on my own. Basically, the situation with my husband hating to take care of someone else extended to taking care of a child. It's not that he doesn't just like to take care of ME, he doesn't like to take care of ANYONE. So I stayed home and handled all the parenting, and he made the money. My son has bipolar and is on the autism spectrum in addition to other mental health issues from his biological father, so he wasn't an easy kid to deal with. It's possible that my son's issues were what kept DH from noticing that I was disabled - it was really intense and everything pretty much had to revolve around my son until he got out on his own. (Something the professionals didn't think he'd ever be able to do! ) I do have to give my husband props for sticking it out. He could've walked out and left us - my son wasn't even his biological kid, and DH put up with a LOT from him. He might not have been the perfect dad, but at least he was there, which is no small thing nowadays.

    My husband won't see a counselor. He's sworn them off, but I'm hoping he'll come around in time. And I'm seeing one on my own, meanwhile. I'm still thinking over whether this relationship is going to work out...a lot will depend on whether DH's change in attitude stays. I've got a rheumy appointment set up for the 6th - hopefully, he'll be able to do SOMETHING helpful. Wish me luck!

  8. #28
    Good luck, Phoenix!

  9. #29

    ???

    Im worried that you using your school loans for other things will come back and bite you very badly......

  10. #30
    Quote Originally Posted by dispatchjen View Post
    Im worried that you using your school loans for other things will come back and bite you very badly......
    Using the loans the way i have, for living expenses, is allowed by the rules of the loans, so I won't get in trouble for that. But I'll end up with a lot more debt, that's sure. Since it'll be a second income, and we're used to living on one income, it should be ok. I think. If we get divorced, though, that will make things harder although there's a lot of ways to reduce payments if I need to.

    I'm just hoping jobs will be available when I finish! It'll be a while before I finish - have to get an MA, and then a PhD - so if I am lucky, the economy will recover by then.
    Last edited by PhoenixFiresky; 05-01-2011 at 05:46 PM. Reason: Add smiley

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