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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #11
    Sounds pretty ridiculous to me. Im quite sure your illness is harder on you than it is on him. As for me, I absolutely despise waiting in the car, and worse, being TOLD to wait in the car. Not sure what his issue is, but its not cool.

  2. #12
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhoenixFiresky View Post
    I'm feeling like the person I thought he was for the past 20 years is suddenly turning out to be very different than I thought.
    Are you having a harder time financially than usual? I can understand him wanting to keep the gas on at your home because it is so expensive to get it turned back on. He may be worrying about finances which is causing him to be impatient with everything.

    How have you two handled living expenses in the past and have you always had separate bank accounts? I ask because it is surprising to be married 20 years without having a similar prior occurrence. Sounds to me like something "new" has happened. Has he had trouble with employment maybe? I'm thinking there is something more than normal driving his impatience.
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  3. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by flicka View Post
    Are you having a harder time financially than usual? I can understand him wanting to keep the gas on at your home because it is so expensive to get it turned back on. I'm thinking there is something more than normal driving his impatience.
    Well, he had a shopping addiction a few years ago, and his paychecks have been garnished for the past year or two because of that. We have to have expensive insurance, because of my impaired immune system, also (my treatments cost $3k/month to insurance). That's hard on both of us, especially since I can't work. (I'm in grad school and take out student loans to try to cover the worst of the expenses.)

    So there is financial stress, but no more now than recently. He was really tired, because he works overnights and was in a hurry to get home to sleep, but this is pretty much a standard reaction on other days, too.

    We've made an agreement that he'll take a look at this thread on Thursday (his day off). Maybe, if he hears that doing this is damaging and inappropriate from others, he'll believe it.

  4. #14
    After thinking about flicka's question, I feel like I need to explain my logic.

    I didn't have anything to do with the charges he's being garnished for. He collects clothes, and currently has over 100 pairs of jeans. Haven't counted his shirts, sweaters, nonjean pants, etc., recently. He should have the charges paid off in a few months, and we just paid off our car, so things should get better soon, financially speaking.

    This is the first time I've ever told him no about giving my student loan money to the household. But I've missed a month of classes from this flare. Another semester like this, and my standing (not to mention my image) in the grad program may be an issue. Also, I thought that having trouble swallowing food, choking on liquids and the breathing difficulties were sort of a big deal, medically speaking. At least, something that should be looked at by a doctor for a definite diagnosis. With the hot water shut off, yes, it will be unpleasant (and I have promised to fill the rent gap this month - which will tap me out totally), but he and I would suffering equally - whereas if I gave him the money, I will be the only one suffering,and it could be medically dangerous especially since I get lung infections easily with the impaired immune system. That was my logic. I wasn't trying to be selfish, or anything, there just isn't enough money to go around.

    Was I wrong in thinking that the trouble swallowing/breathing is medically dangerous?
    Last edited by PhoenixFiresky; 04-27-2011 at 09:39 AM. Reason: to reflect reality

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by PhoenixFiresky View Post
    Perhaps the problem is that I have adjusted to being ill and in the wheelchair, but HE hasn't adjusted to it yet? Seems strange though, after 20 years and raising a kid together... :s
    I see this in my marriage. It comes and goes in fits and starts. Like the time when I'd been crawling up the stairs on my hands and knees for months, and I sat my husband down and asked him to explain again why he was resisting buying a stairlift.

    He looked at me very sweetly and said, "Well, I think we should definitely get one when the time comes. When do you think that will be?"

    After I picked my jaw up off the floor, I said, "About six month ago." And we got a stairlift.

    Sometimes, although it seems just astounding, our partners just do not notice where we are in our disease progression, and we need to sit them down and tell them, sometimes very bluntly.

  6. #16
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    My instinct at the moment is not very charitable: "Listen Buddy, I am a package deal, and if you don't realize how well you're making out in the calculus, then that's a real problem. I expect to be treated better by the father of my child." Has he no weaknesses that he brings to the partnership for which you compensate (though I'm sorry, I don't mean to draw that statement as a parallel)? Loading and unloading your chair, if it is not physically difficult, seems to me like really nothing at all to ask of anyone. Whatever in the world would be the point of your going shopping with him but then sitting in the car? Of course I hate shopping, so I just would tell him to go by himself. But if you're going too, sitting in a car seems pretty ludicrous.

    Are your roles in the relationship pretty equal? Is it a negotiated arrangement that your student loans pay for household things?

    If you think he otherwise is salvageable and you want to keep the peace, might you just try to explain the situation to him? Do you think he might understand and try? Though re- reading, I see you've done that. Maybe then you could just address your other question head-on: your stubbornness on this point seems like it might be an indication of something bigger. Are you suddenly having difficulty with my situation? Is this suddenly more than you thought you'd bargained for? Does he realize how it might feel to you for him to characterize being considerate of you, and (very marginally) helping you manage your challenges to participate fully in your life, as an "inconvenience?"

    Please accept what I say with the caveat that I'm extremely single.

    I would love to hear some of the incredible caregivers (again, not meaning to equate loading and unloading your chair with caregiving) on the site weigh in.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------
    Sorry, I missed the second page to see that you'd answered some of my questions. I do respect his willingness to read this and consider others' views. I wish you the best of luck.
    Last edited by Random; 04-27-2011 at 03:34 PM.

  7. #17
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  8. #18
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhoenixFiresky View Post
    After thinking about flicka's question, I feel like I need to explain my logic.
    I didn't mean to make you feel that way. All I was thinking is that 20 years of marriage is a long time for him to suddenly become impatient for no apparent reason.
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  9. #19
    Senior Member zillazangel's Avatar
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    Your husband is an a**hole. Sorry to be short and sweet, but its just how I see it! I cannot believe the things that you deal with and he is 100% in the wrong (on so many things, not just getting in/out of the car). I doubt my response will be seen as helpful to him, but maybe a little cold water reality is needed here.

    And yes, the swallowing IS a big big deal, get seen.

    Ami (caregiver to my husband who is paralyzed shoulders down totally)

  10. #20
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    Ami and I agree on everything. I am caregiver to my husband as well, he has MS and has only the use of his right arm/hand. His other extremities all move but no weight bearing, etc. Anyway there is alot of times I don't want to do something for my husband but I do it anyway, because I know he can't. There is alot of times it would be easier for me to do things for him, but when he is trying to do it himself, I let him. It may take alot longer or make a big mess but who cares. I recently read a post on here about someone who was making her own bowl of cereal and managed to actually get some in the bowl...I have come home to find more food on the floor many a day, I look at it like hey, saves on dog food.
    Also want to mention you really do need to look into some assistance, like disability, or SSI or anything, student loans will come back to bite you in the long run.
    Last but not least by any means....get the swallowing checked out, thats nothing to be playing around with and hoping for the best.
    Good luck and can't wait till Thursday, to see what hubby has to say.

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