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Thread: Am I wrong?

  1. #1

    Question Am I wrong?

    My husband of 20 years and I are having a serious disagreement. I'm 43, and have had a muscle weakening illness since I was 15. Recently, I've been in the longest, most intense flare that I've ever experienced, and this is causing issues between my husband and myself.

    When we go to the store (about once a week), my husband gets very angry about getting my wheelchair out of the car for me, even though it only takes maybe 2 minutes (I have a very small, light electric that breaks down). He says he sees it in terms of time - that it's just faster if I give him the money (separate bank accounts) and wait in the car. I say that it doesn't take that long, and that a bigger issue (my autonomy) is at stake. I spent my entire childhood sitting in the car because "taking a kid inside is too much trouble" and now that I'm an adult (and especially when it's my money we're using), I expect to be able to go along and participate in the experience. I only leave the house a few times a week, anyway. I've told him that it feels like he doesn't care about me, that it devalues me and just plain feels abusive for him to get so angry about getting out my wheelchair. This has led to several heated arguments recently. It is especially frustrating because I got the electric chair so he wouldn't have to push me around - and he promised beforehand he wouldn't have an issue with loading/unloading it.

    Am I wrong? Should I be more flexible (I don't insist on coming in when we're on a very tight schedule)? This feels like it could be a marriage-ender.

  2. #2
    You are 100% right. Sorry you have to deal with this.

  3. #3
    You are not wrong...that totally sucks! Does he have other issues with your disability? What is the big hurry any way? I wouldn't go to just sit in the car.
    Incomplete T-12/L-1

  4. #4
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Quote Originally Posted by PhoenixFiresky View Post
    I only leave the house a few times a week, anyway.
    Are you able to go places without him?

    "We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
    - Barack Obama

  5. #5
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Chesapeake, VA
    You are not wrong. You get too few opportunities to get out as it is. I can understand the lack of options to getting out alone if you are not able to drive. Maybe you can find someone else to take you to the store so he can "save the time".

    Many times my grocery list and menu plan changes when I see something on sale that looks really good. Plus, is he any good at adapting when something is not available? Usually only the one doing the cooking is good at this. Sometimes you have to make a new plan.--eak

  6. #6
    You are definitely not wrong. As you say, there is more at stake here than just getting the groceries out of the way quickly. You don't deserve to be left in the car all the time, because that does devalue you, and it does take away from your autonomy.

    The problem might be that the wheelchair is heavier than your husband had expected it to be. Before I had my Quickie Helium, which is a very lightweight wheelchair, I would often wait in the car while my mother ran errands. She has a bad shoulder and some back problems, so lifting anything that weighs more than 10kg is a real problem for her. Maybe your husband is also having trouble with your chair, but doesn't want to admit that to you because he did promise you it wasn't going to be a problem.

    I would suggest you try having a serious talk about why he's making such a fuss about the wheelchair. Time saving is clearly just an excuse, but there may be other, legitimate concerns that can be addressed in some way.

  7. #7
    Have you considered and adapted vehicle, so that if possible, you can get in and out by yourself?
    T6 complete (or so I think), SCI since September 21, 2003

  8. #8
    I wish I was able to go without him. Unfortunately, that's not the case. I've got seizures so I can't drive and at this point I'm not on this town's paratransit system.

    Up until now, my disability hasn't really been a problem, much. I have CVID, which is an impaired immune system, and he gets aggravated when I'm sick and he has to take care of me (fixing meals, etc.), but this seems to be a larger issue - maybe because it's dragging on so long. Obviously, he doesn't have a clue. During this flare, he has suggested that I should do yoga (when I have to prop my arm up to apply makeup), and when I told him today (after my first day back in classes) that I was really tired, his response was a syrupy "Well, maybe someday you won't be tired anymore". It's a little frightening, too. He wants me to use the money I'd set aside from my student loans to pay for my doctors on keeping the gas on in our house - even though this flare has been causing me issues with breathing and swallowing (food, liquids, and waking up choking on saliva). He says I should give him the money because he "knows" I'll be OK without a doctor - that's nice for him, because I'm not so sure! My refusal to hand over the money has made him really angry with me for the past week or so. (Not violent, just very unpleasant to be around.)

    I'm trying to be patient, but dealing with the illness PLUS his attitude is making things tough. I'm feeling like the person I thought he was for the past 20 years is suddenly turning out to be very different than I thought.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by Saranoya View Post
    Maybe your husband is also having trouble with your chair, but doesn't want to admit that to you because he did promise you it wasn't going to be a problem.
    I had asked him if getting it in and out of the car was the issue. I thought maybe if it was, I could buy a hoist for the car when my fall loans come in. He said that wasn't the problem - that he just doesn't like the inconvenience.

  10. #10
    Perhaps the problem is that I have adjusted to being ill and in the wheelchair, but HE hasn't adjusted to it yet? Seems strange though, after 20 years and raising a kid together... :s

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