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Thread: caregiver or spouse

  1. #1

    caregiver or spouse

    Hi there,
    I was wondering if anyone else out there sometimes have problems with balancing caregiver an spouse roles? There are times where the caregiver in me knows that he needs to do it on his own but then the wife part kicks in and I jump in to help out.
    Also, I know that he needs to communicate with others that are disabled but i seems like he talks with them more now then he has before, especially about personnal things that I feel WE should be talking about. He keeps telling me that I don't understand - well I am trying to understand but it is hard when it seems like he is trying to push me away. I just don't know anymore!!!!!
    Sometimes I just wish I could have my old husband back cuz I miss him and the old days - but I know that is not an option.
    I am so sorry for venting but this is the only place that I know of that there are others (caregivers/spouses) in the same position that I am in.

  2. #2
    Quote Originally Posted by mnnice View Post
    Hi there,
    I was wondering if anyone else out there sometimes have problems with balancing caregiver an spouse roles? There are times where the caregiver in me knows that he needs to do it on his own but then the wife part kicks in and I jump in to help out.
    Also, I know that he needs to communicate with others that are disabled but i seems like he talks with them more now then he has before, especially about personnal things that I feel WE should be talking about. He keeps telling me that I don't understand - well I am trying to understand but it is hard when it seems like he is trying to push me away. I just don't know anymore!!!!!
    Sometimes I just wish I could have my old husband back cuz I miss him and the old days - but I know that is not an option.
    I am so sorry for venting but this is the only place that I know of that there are others (caregivers/spouses) in the same position that I am in.
    This part of your post jumped out at me. It is his personal stuff, and believe me some of the stuff we go through is really, really personal. You shouldn't lay some sort of guilt trip on him for not sharing stuff he is not comfortable sharing with you. Some things you just don't want to tell your wife. Don't be hurt by this and I think you should respect his feelings.

  3. #3
    There is an organization called Wellspouse that I have found very helpful. Google it and take a look.

  4. #4
    Senior Member
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    Oh yes, I do know exactly what you are talking about. I have been caring for my husband for almost 6 years now and I truly love him with all my heart but this winter has been very very bad for us. If I hear one more time that I don't understand I am going to scream. Thats a two way street in my opinion. I will probably get flamed for that comment. Please feel free to PM if you want to talk in private.

  5. #5
    Moderator kate's Avatar
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    Ten years post this month . . . what can I say?

    It's worth it.
    I hate it.
    I don't expect him to know what my end looks like, or feels like.
    I hate it.
    I followed the nurses' advice and never, ever did for him what he could do for himself, even if it took 50 times as long.
    I hate it.
    A therapist once challenged me to figure out what I'd rather do . . . keep thinking I had to manage our lives all by myself or see what happened when I backed off. I was so utterly pissed that I took the bait! Whose job should it be to call the roofers when we clearly needed a repair over the kitchen? Well, his, dammit. So, I didn't nag, didn't call, watched the rains come, and the night our kitchen ceiling collapsed (yes, it did!) was a kind of triumphant moment for us both. He had to figure out how to clean up the mess, which was over-the-top ridiculous, and he did.
    So, he was back to being my husband after that, and I was done seeing him as a patient, but I still freaking hate it.

  6. #6
    I hate it too. Sigh.

  7. #7
    Senior Member
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    I wish it was like that Kate, but with MS I am dealing with cognitive issues too. I too hate it.

  8. #8
    Senior Member
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    Poor choice of words, I don't really "wish it was like that" actually I wish things were normal but....

  9. #9
    I hate that I have to rely on unreliable aides. Another aide disaster this week-end that makes us feel more helpless. I can't get him up alone and he can't be alone because of the respiratory issues.
    I can do everything he needs, but impossible for one person to do it all.
    We are in the middle of a paperwork mess on top of everything.
    He is having short term memory loss for reasons we are trying to determine, so I feel very alone in the decisions and keeping meds, supplies etc in order.
    That is what I hate.

  10. #10
    Senior Member
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    kenmore wa
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    I feel like we don't know where He begins and i end.
    "We only become what we are by the radical and deep-seated refusal of that which others have made of us."~~Sartre

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