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Thread: What to do???

  1. #1
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    Unhappy What to do???

    Long story...
    My father is very stubborn and wants to everything on his own. This for instance isn't something that he can do WITHOUT help! He has tried to do it many times and was unsuccessful.
    The situation/addiction is alcohol.
    Before my accident I could mostly avoid it and it wasn't as difficult to handle. There were points where I would ignore the addiction We had many clashes to where we would talk about it, and a couple days after that things would be ok. Just, ok. I was my own person so could do whatever with my friends and be myself. I don't know what to do. We would go out and do things to keep his mind pre-occupied. There are only so many things to do In this small town!
    My dad just turned 49 this month of December! He is on medicine for his high blood pressure and must avoid some food and most importantly alcohol! He has to go to the doctor every month to do a check up and his health just like I do because I'm on coumadin!
    I got injured back in 09 on the 23rd of June. After my injury while I was in ICU, he said he stopped for awhile but I don't think so...Hope I'm wrong. After I was released from ICU into MTU. I was more mobile and started seeing the same dad.
    I don't/can't be very assertive in the rehabilitation that I would love to have my dad go through and help himself with this. My dad is not the type of guy that would do AA (Alcohol Anonymous) but I don't know. He did all of the modifications on the house that we had bought before coming home. I bought the house and he co-signed and he helps pay all the bills. We pretty much split them half and half. He also does all of my chair maintenance, cooks, whatever it takes, he does his very best at it. After coming home after my 9 month hospital rehab things home for me at first was a lot of getting used to! So to sum all of that up he is my care giver and everything I need him for! I LOVE MY DAD SOOO MUCH AND DON'T WANT TO TAKE ANYTHING AWAY FROM HIM OTHER THAN HIS ADDICTION!
    I have watched intervention on A&E for like 3-5 years now and I like to see all the people on there succeed, I LOVE the show!
    I don't have any access to have an PA here. Don't qualify for medicaid or medicare, to much outa pocket money if there was something drastic to happen and I need help doing my daily thing. For instance, if he would want to go to treatment and to be flown off to an 30-90 day rehab program.
    I know my dad wants to change and has said that many times but he cannot do it himself. I don't have enough power to just put down what I'm doing and keep him headed in the right direction! I try hard to help but I guess not enough...
    My father actually felt very bad for himself a couple weeks ago and umm...lets just say he is trying to keep things hidden from me now. IDK why he would! He really can't hide much from me because we know each other like the back of our own hands! He knows how my day is going just from my word choice and how I act. There is no hiding between to two of us! I can read my dad like he can read me! We know how each other feel about situations, our day, anything!
    What to do??? from above please help me!!
    Like I said my dad is very stubborn! Helps me with anything I need and he is always there for me! LOVE YOU DAD!!

  2. #2
    Senior Member lynnifer's Avatar
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    I feel for you. I'm not an alcoholic but I lived with one for 13yrs ... he recovered at the end but it took a couple of trips through rehab and he had to lose everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I almost went crazy ... I think I'm still halfway there, lol.

    If your dad wants to do it bad enough, he will. You cannot take his problem upon yourself though.

    Is it just his health you're worried about or does he get a little goofy, clumsy or abusive when drinking? Just concerned for you in asking that.
    Roses are red. Tacos are enjoyable. Don't blame immigrants, because you're unemployable.

    T-11 Flaccid Paraplegic due to TM July 1985 @ age 12

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by lynnifer View Post
    I feel for you. I'm not an alcoholic but I lived with one for 13yrs ... he recovered at the end but it took a couple of trips through rehab and he had to lose everything and I mean EVERYTHING. I almost went crazy ... I think I'm still halfway there, lol.

    If your dad wants to do it bad enough, he will. You cannot take his problem upon yourself though.

    Is it just his health you're worried about or does he get a little goofy, clumsy or abusive when drinking? Just concerned for you in asking that.
    I'm more worried about his health and mine and his life. I cannot drive so therefore I can't be driving he must drive for me and under NOOO circumstance do I let him drive under the influence! He is NEVER abusive when drunk. He gets a little more goffier when he drinks though. But between him and I we could keep a whole room laughing drinking or not. note: I don't drink

  4. #4
    Senior Member flicka's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by zwthomp View Post
    I don't have any access to have an PA here. Don't qualify for medicaid or medicare, to much outa pocket money if there was something drastic to happen and I need help doing my daily thing. For instance, if he would want to go to treatment and to be flown off to an 30-90 day rehab program.
    This needs to change in order for your father to work on getting well. Is there an extra room in your home you could maybe exchange room & board for caregiving? Until you can be independent without him, neither of you can move forward.
    I know my dad wants to change and has said that many times but he cannot do it himself. I don't have enough power to just put down what I'm doing and keep him headed in the right direction!
    It almost sounds to me like you, personally, feel guilty for your father's addiction. Do you have enough time to start going to AA meetings with him maybe? Perhaps the two of you can seek some type of counseling together? There is usually community support, public & private, that can give help in this respect...even if it is just a matter of venting, and owning up to responsibilities & actions.

    I wish you & your father well.
    ____________________

    "We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek."
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  5. #5
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    I think flicka's advice to you is excellent. Unfortunately, no matter how much we might want a loved one to stop drinking it is in their hands, and only their hands, to make the committment to do so. I am glad your father is there for you and is such an enormous help to you, but it also sounds like his drinking started long before your accident, so if you are feeling any guilt try to remember that this is a facet of his personality, and like all addictions, he needs to work on recovery. It sounds like you live in a very small town, but I wonder if it might wake him up if you asked him to take YOU to an Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) meeting. That way the problem is acknowledged, and he can see that it is having an effect on you. A bargain might be meeting some people in similar situations who can give you locally beneficial advice, and also might turn out to be a place for you to vent, in addition to making some sympathetic friends.

  6. #6
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    Most alcoholics have to hit bottom before they will go to AA. Bottom is different for each person, and sometimes an intervention is enough for some to see that in your eyes, they are already there. Have your dad watch Intervention with you and try to talk to him about it. Go to Alanon or Alateen to learn about his disease, and how NOT to be an enabler. Realize that you are not the reason he drinks, at most it's an excuse to drink, and an alcoholic can always find an excuse. PM me if you need to talk about it - I've been where you are.

    Good luck,

    Don
    Don - Grad Student Emeritus
    T3 ASIA A 26 years post injury

  7. #7
    I'm sorry. I know how you feel. I've watched my mom battle addiction to scripts resulting from her reaction to my injury. I contacted her drs, pharmacies, cried to her, yelled at her. She's getting things better under control now, but she had to ultimately make the choice. It's a heartbreaking, isolating experience.

  8. #8
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    Like I said earlier, he does everything for me cooks, helps clean, bowel, bladder, chair maintenance, everything. He usually keeps himself busy with helping me with care and much much more! Like Don said a person must hit rock bottom in order to go to AA or treatment but...I don't think he has the time to hit rock bottom,he is 49...IDK what is going on but also like I said earlier is that him and I can read each other like the back of our hands. Yesturday the weirdest thing happened, he didn't drink @ all really. I have NOT confronted him about any of this of what I've got set in my mind yet, but I'm pretty sure he had a few sneaky moments where he would find something the drink. I have pmed Don about my mind set and what I'm thinking of doing to help...THANK YOU Don! He doesn't know that I use this site, atleast I don't think so...I'm just totally confused after yesturday. Keep asking myself if I should move forward in trying to help him!?!?

  9. #9
    Senior Member TomRL's Avatar
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    Do you have a way to direct your life towards independence? Further education etc. It's not a short term answer, but it will be necessary sooner or later. In my experience, the only help you can offer is to let him know you think he has a problem and that you will help however you can if he decides he needs help.
    Tom

    "Blessed are the pessimists, for they hath made backups." Exasperated 20:12

  10. #10
    i am familiar with addiction... my cousin is just starting to get her life back on track after a 15 year, very well hidden addiction to just about everything under the sun. for her, hitting rock bottom was needing to cancel her wedding because she had no money left... and untill then, we had no idea how deep her addiction went.
    we ended up having to have an intervention and it was basically "you're getting on a plane and going to rehab. here's your suitcase". it was very hard but it was the only way anything was going to happen. she ended up going to the same place that A&E send people to (palm partners) and i honestly don't think it helped her much... it was all beaches and hot tubs and tanning.
    when she came back to CT, she relapsed and is right now living in a half way house after a brief stay in jail. obviously, this is not what we wanted to happen, we were hoping rehab would help her enough, but she's sober for the 1st time in 15 years.
    she goes to AA and NA, but at first needed a nudge in the right direction. i went with her to her first meeting that was outside of rehab/jail. i don't think she would have gone if i didn't call her up and say "we're going to a meeting"
    sometimes it takes tough love when a family member has an addiction.
    is there a possibility that he would go to AA if you flat out said "get in the car, i'm going with you"?
    you might want to look into a group called AlAnnon... it's for family members of people who have an addiction. they might have some suggestions and resources for you, and they hold meetings, like AA/NA. it might be worth going to, even if only to meet others in your situation for support.
    mitochondrial disease complex 1 deficiency, suspected HSP
    type 3 ehlers danlos syndrome w/ type 1 overlap, g and j tubes
    aspergers & friends
    survivor of 2 TIA strokes

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