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Thread: just readbook on caregiving called dirty details

  1. #11
    Senior Member WM's Avatar
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    I have not read it or heard of it, but thank you for bringing it to light. I just ordered one used, via Amazon, for 1.08 plus shipping. Should arrive around the twenty-third. Thanks so much.
    Last edited by WM; 07-19-2010 at 03:40 PM. Reason: clarification--orded it via Amazon, not from as earlier stated. Did not want to misrepresent.
    "I just want you to know, it was the best time ever." J.F.F.

  2. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by LindaT View Post
    Yes ,It is a touchy issue so I thought if anyone had a comment they could send a PM. Sometimes our frustrations come off as complaining. For that reason I did not want to start a war or hurt anyone's feelings.
    I think it's sad it has to be a touchy issue. If I couldn't have a voice as a caregiver, then I think it would lead to even more anger. No cripple tells himself that he would love to be a caregiver and think it's easy, so I call fake outrage on anger directed to caregivers.


  3. #13
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    I too would love to read the book. I don't consider it a touchy topic rather a private topic. I don't care to share with just anyone some of the details regarding the care I have to provide for my husband. No this was not directed at anyone on here, I just mean with our friends or family, they have never had to deal with alot of what we deal with and they would never understand, even around our kids David will say we have to do the program tonight right (or something to that nature) the kids have no idea that I have to undress Dad, insert a magic bullet, put him on the commode, etc etc. Nor do I complain or tell friends or family about the headaches and heartaches involved, they would think I was the bad person, even though once again they have never had to deal with anything like this. So ok I think I just put my foot in my mouth because I am seeing the touchy side to this too. All around somedays just plain suck, other days I feel like I won the lottery. I will order my copy of the book.

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by MSWIFE1 View Post
    I too would love to read the book. I don't consider it a touchy topic rather a private topic. I don't care to share with just anyone some of the details regarding the care I have to provide for my husband. No this was not directed at anyone on here, I just mean with our friends or family, they have never had to deal with alot of what we deal with and they would never understand, even around our kids David will say we have to do the program tonight right (or something to that nature) the kids have no idea that I have to undress Dad, insert a magic bullet, put him on the commode, etc etc. Nor do I complain or tell friends or family about the headaches and heartaches involved, they would think I was the bad person, even though once again they have never had to deal with anything like this. So ok I think I just put my foot in my mouth because I am seeing the touchy side to this too. All around somedays just plain suck, other days I feel like I won the lottery. I will order my copy of the book.
    Thank you for sharing that. I have to do that myself, but I do it alone. It has to be incredibly difficult on both parties involved. It's not easy at all.

    One of my best friends takes care of both of her parents along with raising her teenage son. Both of her parents are disabled and in their latter years, it's become more of a burden for my friend to make sure they get meals, doctor visits, medical testing done, etc. She's stressed a lot and is the only child.


  5. #15
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    Caregiving is hard, no one ever asks for it, but I didn't marry David because he could walk or wipe his own butt. I married him because I loved him and I still love him even though there is so much he can't do. Yea I get stressed because ok like right now, I have $100 in my checking account, payday is not until next Wednesday, the washing machine is leaking, the roof is leaking, the air is not working in my jeep, just got the air fixed in the van, I need to mow the grass but am out of gas, plus its too freaking hot outside to think about mowing, I am tired, still gotta fix supper, on and on and on. Prior to this MS crap, David would fix the washing machine somehow with little or not cost, he would climb on the roof and put some tar on there to fix it (I have done this twice but can't seem to make it right) he would mow, in otherwords he would do alot of these things himself and take the burden off of me, but where is he? He's tilted back in his power chair taking a nap which he has been doing for about 3 hours now. Sorry to get this thread off topic a bit...as you can tell I am having one of those sucky days. Too much shit to do, not enough time money or knowledge. I think I need a drink

  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by MSWIFE1 View Post
    Caregiving is hard, no one ever asks for it, but I didn't marry David because he could walk or wipe his own butt. I married him because I loved him and I still love him even though there is so much he can't do. Yea I get stressed because ok like right now, I have $100 in my checking account, payday is not until next Wednesday, the washing machine is leaking, the roof is leaking, the air is not working in my jeep, just got the air fixed in the van, I need to mow the grass but am out of gas, plus its too freaking hot outside to think about mowing, I am tired, still gotta fix supper, on and on and on. Prior to this MS crap, David would fix the washing machine somehow with little or not cost, he would climb on the roof and put some tar on there to fix it (I have done this twice but can't seem to make it right) he would mow, in otherwords he would do alot of these things himself and take the burden off of me, but where is he? He's tilted back in his power chair taking a nap which he has been doing for about 3 hours now. Sorry to get this thread off topic a bit...as you can tell I am having one of those sucky days. Too much shit to do, not enough time money or knowledge. I think I need a drink
    I'd offer you a beer, but it is so darn hot I might just make us each a big vodka and fresca. (my sister made it at the lake and very refreshing)
    Things pretty much the same here-tilting back and napping.
    I would not have done everything the same way the author of the book did, but she made some very valid points. I could relate to much of what she said. That being said I will stress I am not complaining one bit. But sometimes there is only so much of me to go around. I finally did let MIL in on a bunch of "dirty details" because she was pretty much in denial of things.
    I have no doubt it will offend some people and may regret even bringing it up! My question was has anyone read it and what did they think.

  7. #17
    Senior Member WM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LindaT View Post
    by marion deutsche cohen.
    Has anyone else read it? Please PM me your opinion if too personal.
    I was nodding my head to much of it-sadly.

    I've finished it now. Even though her situation is not the same as mine, it hit too close to home. It was a therapeutic and at the same time uncomfortable read for me. It brought up a lot of feelings that I can't even begin to or want to discuss---it's too much these days to DO and talk about the doing too. It's all I can do, to do. It's just too much to do. It isn't the tasks in and of themselves, one is no different from the other to me. It's the volume of them and the fact that they are always there and are a simultaneous part of everything I do, even unrelated things. Always tired. Always trying to smile despite it all. Failing miserably. Can't even fool myself anymore. It was not the SCI that got me. He had that when I met him. It was the TBI in 2006 that did me in. Until then, I was a wife and did not consider myself a "caregiver" even though I did "caregiving" things often. Over time, after the TBI reality set it, I realized I was more caregiver than wife and that tore my heart to shreds and does daily. Oh, this book brought out all kinds of demons for me.

    The book made my denial harder to believe in, so I doubt I will ever read it again. I like living in denial. It keeps me from jumping off the roof. However, it was comforting to know that someone totally got it and without guilt, at least not guilt for her own feelings---for HAVING feelings-- totally got how I feel, what I've become, what I used to be, what I hurt for...... Had all the same feelings I feel guilty at times for feeling and didn't apologize for feeling them. Heartbreaking though that she had to get it the only way a person ever DOES 'get this'.

    I wouldn't even know where to start to discuss this book in the state my head is in these days, as there were too many times I was going "oh yeah" or "exactly" or feeling empathy or having an "ah-ha" moment. I could not discuss it intelligently, if I tried, my head would break in half. Maybe a few years ago I could have....not now. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I am glad that I read it.

    This turned into rant. I'm done now.
    "I just want you to know, it was the best time ever." J.F.F.

  8. #18
    Senior Member kate's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WM View Post
    . . . it was comforting to know that someone totally got it and without guilt, at least not guilt for her own feelings---
    Thanks for that. None of us can help feeling that guilt, but it's worth a lot to know we really don't have to. It can't be said often enough, or loudly enough.

  9. #19
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    Wow, you post has me scared to read it now. I understand everything you said and that scares me. I like smiling like nothing is wrong, even if I know everything is wrong. I want to continue to love my husband as my husband not his caregiver. I wll stop now before my post turns into a rant.

  10. #20
    Hi WM, Thanks for your opinion. I felt pretty much like you did. It's a tough read and opened some feelings in me I had kept buried. I think when the book came out she was misunderstood-which may have been easy to do with her style of writing.
    I get very frustrated with Dave's family and could relate to her "tantrums." I don't have small kids around the house though.

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