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Thread: Am I able to?

  1. #11
    Is there someone at the agency that you work with directly? I think you can tell them you would rather not have her. We don't have an agency in our area that will take my husband, so it gets a little touchy.
    One of the hardest things for us was getting used to different people coming and going and needing help with such intimate things.

  2. #12
    Just wanted to say I agree w/ you, in many ways it is more difficult on the loved ones of the person w/ sci than then injured person. ESPECIALLY parents, and moms take a real whupping imo. It's hard to see a loved one suffer, it's always hard to see your kid hurt or sick. When you're the injured one, there is so much to learn and to do, and we set about doing it, fully concentrated on the process. Our mom or whomever has to watch the slow, clumsy process that used to be simple.

    Just an example, getting dressed when you are newly injured. It takes everything you have, and ridiculous amounts of time, to dress yourself. You are completely focused on it. But our loved ones see it as a constant struggle although when you are in the middle of doing it, you probably aren't thinking of it that way at all. You are thinking Do this, then this, then this, even if step 1 takes 6 tries. The person watching is gritting their teeth, trying not to interrupt and do it for you in a fraction of the time and energy. Every time you try again is like physical pain for the loved one observing, when at most, to you, it is probably just mildly frustrating the last 2 tries. And EVERY darned thing takes 6 tries!

    It's even worse at the beginning because you don't have any of those skills fine tuned yet.

    Believe it or not, everything gets much easier and faster, as you adapt, learn new skills and possibly get some return of function w/ the passage of time.

    At last this is what I've always noticed, and what I feel when my ab kid is sick or injured. So in short, Raf, I think you're right-in many ways this is harder for your mom. It is perceptive and compassionate for you to realize that!

  3. #13
    Well I can't imagine being a mother and having to go through what she has. From them first telling her I died on the table then they got me back and the next 2 weeks after that. And now dealing with my recovery and seeing me struggle.
    I remember when I was very young and every bump and bruise affected my mom as I would cry. In my life my family has been very close and even closer now. I realized I didn't want my relationship with my mother to change so I went ahead with the move to my aunts house, which in turn hurt my moms feelings because she thought I didn't want to be with her. When in all actuality it was because I love my mother so much I didn't want to start resenting her because I would be around her so very much as it was.
    I think her going back to work is a good thing. I love my mother but as moms do sometimes, she gets on that last nerve even if its her just trying to help. Right now I still need major amounts of help with everything. Having her around has been a complete blessing and the evenings we take off and she goes home have helped ease the tension of her always being by my side. It's even hard for her to let the aide do things because she wants to do them.
    I owe my mother the world without her I wouldn't be me and I could never do this, my strength comes from her and I make sure I tell her that nearly every day.
    Thanks for all the thoughts and comments. I really do appreciate them.

  4. #14
    I see so many new sci's take out their anger and frustration on their moms. It gives me a warm fuzzy to hear you be appreciative, realistic and moving forward instead of regressing.

  5. #15
    My son definitely takes out his anger and frustration on me. I am the one who is always here, I am the one making him stick to his schedule, take his meds, helping him get dressed, cleaning up after accidents, get to PT, meet with his tutor. But I am also weaker than the men in his life so he gets scared and frustrated when I cant help him into the car or assist him off the couch...we've had a few scary incidents. Sometimes we are able to laugh it off but not always, we've gone at it a few times since his injury.

    I left my job to stay home with him for awhile, not forever, I miss that interaction very much and my own life.. but I will be back in the working world soon enough. I dont have any regrets but sometimes this is VERY challenging.

    I'll take my whining to the caregivers forum...thanks for listening and understanding.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Van Quad's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2002
    Vancouver, BC, Canada
    Try secretly videotaping the rogue attendant and show it to her employer. Ask them if it's appropriate behavior.

  7. #17
    Sharon-I'm the mom of an ab 20 yr old manchild whom I love beyond all reason. I still get the occasional ration of unearned crap, when he can't figure out any way to dump it at the feet of those whose actions merit it. I'm here, I'm convenient, I won't abandon him.

    I also had a mom with a TBI in the form of a stroke. I served the same function for her. I can't imagine Jake's post-adolescence hormones, immaturity and frustration coupled with Mom's post-stroke hairtrigger and confusion. I know a lot of you families of people w/ TBI deal with just that combo. I hold each of you in awe.

    Those w/ no brain injury involved are far more fortunate but SCI alone is one of the most frustrating conditions on earth. I know the SCI families must feel some days that the laws of fecal gravity extort a high price indeed. (You know that law? Shit always flows downhill...seems like Mom is always sitting at the bottom!)

    Whine away-I'm trespassing here!

  8. #18
    Betheny I feel like you could be my psychologist/shrink. You should charge a fee

    rafiellalove-you are a wonderful daughter. Right after Kaitlyn came home and she needed alot of help with things, she started crying and told me she was sorry for all that I had to go through with her.
    Obviously every mother would do anything for their child, but it really feels nice to know they appreciate the work and sacrifices you make for them.
    I hope you get your caregiver situation straighened out.

  9. #19
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Rochester, NY
    wow so great to see so many child/parent relationships. my mom and i are like oil and water but now i have some perspective, she wasnt the greatest person and no saint but she was there when no one else was.

    rafiella: glad to see progress on an aide. i've had to call the agency for a few aides and it hasn't been an issue. you have a right to feel comfortable in your own home. kudos to having a great family!
    "Smells like death in a bucket of chicken!"

  10. #20
    Senior Member Rrrrronnn's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Lawng Eye-Lynd, New York
    Quote Originally Posted by rafiellalove View Post
    Most of the time I am very happy with the girls they have sent. They are very nice and helpful and they help my mom understand a lot of things. This girl though, she would sit down and read or study or whatever and if I asked for anything she would be like "hang on" or "in a minute" then when she did finally do what I asked she would go to the kitchen fill a cup up or whatever it was I asked for, set it on my tray ALWAYS forgot a straw and when I asked for one she would sigh and roll her eyes at me. If there was anyone I ever wanted to run over since I have been in this chair its her! And yet I feel guilty for it!
    It's such a crappy feeling, right? Yet, if she senses your guilt and apprehensiveness, she'll continue to work it. Dump her.
    "If ya don't have it in the hips, ya better have it in the lips..." ~ Charlie - Villa Dulce

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