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Thread: dealing with heartless people

  1. #11

    I think it's not so much an issue of dealing with heartless people as it is an issue of dealing with people who don't use the "brain God gave 'em" (as my grandpa used to say).

    It would be so much easier for us as thinking people to deal with the non-thinkers if we were just like them, but would you really want to sacrifice yourself for the sake of peace? No, I'm sure you wouldn't, I know I wouldn't. So, how to deal? WM has a point about avoiding these people and I agree up to the point of where it keeps me from being where I want to be and sometimes there is just no way to avoid them as my place is with my hubbie. In these instances I've found that just telling people the blatant truth can be effective in waking them up just a bit. That's not to take anything away from WFE, kudos to her, and I'm not ruling out one day giving someone exactly what they're asking for, i.e. a good fat lip.

    Here's an example:

    Sometimes I drive to work with Matt and use his truck to run errands and pick him up at the end of the day. There are several rude b*tches at his job who've no clue how stupid they really are and I have no problem telling them. One in particular drove out of the parking area and as she passed said to me "why don't you make him walk?" and I just looked her in the eye and said "it sure would be nice if he could." I could tell by her reaction that it was as if I'd slapped her, she literally shook her head and I just smiled to myself. Later she told Matt it had shocked her because she "wasn't even aware of what she was saying."

    This particular person is still a b*tch and will never "get it" IMO, however, for that moment she got slapped and woke up just a bit. Sometimes it's hard to let the truth just roll off your toungue because so many of us have been taught "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything" and for the most part I'd agree with that. In these situations though, remember that what they are saying isn't nice and go ahead and let it out. Believe me, you'll feel so much better and maybe, just maybe, throw a little cold water in their face .

    I hope you feel just a little better, believe me, if you'd have seen the look on her face, you'd be laughing right now - I am

  2. #12
    Senior Member Hunker's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2004
    In a wheelchair
    I have found everyone in life to be different even before SCI. When I was first injured as many know friends etc. vanish. My best friend Mike came to the hospital and said "GET UP!!" As time went on he knew I would not.(He was also the one that helped me during a football knee injury and said the same thing, and I did get up.) Listen, I was the "FIRST" person I ever meet in a wheelchair so everyone will respond to you in a different way. A child in the store may come and shake your husbands chair, what do you do? Children are easy, they think you have a "COOL" bike, or they are scared and stand behind their parent. I enjoyed daycare with my son Matthew just to talk with the children, they were so cute with their questions.
    Adults-For example my Mom, She insisted I be independent "as always" - tough, no hugs just get yourself together."Tough love" - She said one day after SCI "You do not understand I will never be a Grandmother."Well Mom here I am 21 years post with a 13 year old son who I have raised many of those years as a single Dad. The person you are speaking of is unthinking person who has to cuss to speak!!??Check out my "Boss will not fix the bathroom" thread. I've known him for 18 years, he would not wave at me when I spoke to him at a bar when he was with his "golfing buds" yet now he would. Granted I am still venting on him but maybe we both will learn over our lifespan. He does say hello when I see him in public now.
    I found that just talking with people about SCI and responses help. When I go to a doctor and he does not sit down to ask what is going on, I know he does not have time for my problem and move on. I also can say the the oppposite with people "I" realize they do understand.
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  3. #13
    I have come across several people like this since my injury 14 years ago.
    I saw and heard a woman screaming once in Shriners' in Chicago. Her step-son had been shot by her nephew's rival gang. She screamed that she wouldn't take "that thing" home. My mom grabbed Josh and I and threw us into my room. We almost adopted him but his dad renigged.
    In high school my boyfriend slept with one of my friends. He then came to St. V's ICU the next day to visit me. A friend of mine had walked in on them and told me before my bf came. He actually told me that I was DAMN LUCKY to have him and if I "put out" he won't have to cheat.

  4. #14
    Sometimes people are so stupid. As far as saying because of being disabled no one would really want them:it just says to me they have likely never been loved I any deep way and/or have never loved anyone for the person they are inside. If so, they would understand that while disability it self is undesirable, it does not make the disabled person undesirable. On the other hand, I know I can be over sensitive to any small remarks. I used to think that my mother-in-law felt it would be better for my husband to lose me. She never said this; it was my interpretation of things she said and did and because she seemed so upset that I am paralyzed. Anyhow six or seven months after I had been home she hugged me and told me she was glad her son had a wife who makes him so happy. Well I think the problem was that I was paranoid. That said, I have heard some odd comments, seemingly kind, but suggesting my husband is some sort of saint or martyr for being with me, things like he is so understanding and compassionate. Oh well, most folks mean well but some are emotional cripples.

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