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Thread: When's the next flight to...ANYWHERE??

  1. #11
    First, I want to thank you all for your kind encouraging words and thoughts! With some sleep and the new dawn, has come peace and perspective. Got up this morning and did the morning "dance" with Dena, the slide board and shower chair like every weekend morning. Feeling better. I will take all your words of wisdom to heart and work toward coming to terms with our life.

    As to some of the specific questions I'll try and answer, but I do want to state that the kids and D do quite a bit, and we also have help in the form of a live in assistant for her M-F. I pull the night shift and weekends.

    Dena and I have been together for over 20 years (dating and marriage) and have two wonderful kids (now 14-girl and 9-boy) both of whom have seemed to come through the "change" relatively unscathed. That said, we put them in counseling early and continue to offer it to them with the same trusted therapist it they ever feel the need. Dena is a 6/7 with quite good arm function and use of hands and fingers (not full strength obviously). She is an amazing woman that pushes herself through out the day to get the kids ready for school, dropped off and then proceeds to work (case manager at a children's hospital 4 days a week). Then home for a rest and then straight into helping my ADD son focus on homework, and occasionally helping with dinner the best she can. So you can see that she does a lot...sometimes too much with 0 left at the end of the day and this is when most of the anger and frustration come out. I can rationalize that it is really the injury talking...but that does not always make it OK.

    As to the specifics about me:
    -We have only done a bit of couples counseling nothing just by myself...time for that? Haha :-) Need to do it though.

    -Taken time away just for me? Well sort of. Every blue moon I go karting with a friend and sometimes I hit the big car swap out here as cars are my thing. Time on some car forums is also a bit of a respite too. I REALLY need to get back to an exercise routine. I think this will help me more than anything, mentally and physically. As of now I've not done it. My job as a camera man is fairly physical so lifting gear is about all I do now...not enough.

    - Why have I not visited hear regularly? I guess I'm not really sure. A friend recommended I check it out and, well I spend quite a bit of time on a make specific performance car forum. Guess I did not need it until last night. I'll try to be a better contributer in the future :-)

    - The lifting thing is only because it is more efficient. We did have to get a Hoyer lift last year when I pulled my back and our assistant was laid up. But it is a pain to use so we only go with that as a last resort. The bed is a bit too high to slide transfer her from chair to bed. Bed to chair is a bit down hill so no problem there with a slide board. I'm am hyper vigilant about body mechanics(bending knees, tight core, straight back) but I need to build more muscle. After 40 I think I've actually lost muscle mass. I used to work out 2-3 time a week, but now nada. Per above I need to get back to it. She will finally be getting her new chair soon, and it will have pedestal, recline, tilt, the works. We'll be able to slide transfer then.

    - The kids are helpful. Especially the 14 year old, and I use her for a lot of the non care help(house/laundry).

    Weird how similar parts of all our experiences are.

    Obieone, you nailed it on the head about the previous "issues" between us. Many of the arguments we have are the same ones we were struggeling with just prior to the accident. "You never really wanted to get married" "You never wanted kids" "You don't find me attractive" Can you imagine how much the SCI has maginified that last one. I just have to laugh...or cry, I go back and forth haha. Ironically we had really worked them out and were in a really good strong place just preceding the accident.

    rfb, ironic how similar we are. Dena had some health issues for about two years prior to the SCI. She had to have a colonectomy due to childhood surgery adhesions, and then was of all things battling lower spinal stenosis as a result of a lower back injury(more than likely from bedside nursing). She had recovered from both with exercise and rehab and then the accident. Harbor Freight..know it well ;-)

    Patty, Dena is an extremely independent person. You are correct in that this is where the anger at not being able to do all those little things she sees me doing. I know there is a lot of guilt on her part that I have to do those things, I just wish she would thank me instead of being mad and guilty that she can not do them. One other thing I notice from her is an almost complete lack of concern when I have an injury(sprane, cut, pulled back ect.) It's like I can hear her thinking "how the F can you complain about a sprain or cut or muscle pull when I'm in constant pain?!?" I get it....guess I'd feel like that too if I were where she was. Do you feel like this about the people around you?

    Like all of us, she has good and bad days...more good than bad I guess. I can only imagine the suffering she goes through on a daily basis. I am here for many reasons. I love her, I love our kids, and I love our home...I don't love SCI hahaha! Mainly though, I truely know that she would be right where I am now if I were driving the truck instead of her.

    Thank you all for allowing me this time. Bless you all in your daily struggle...I am better today due to your kindness.

    Sure hope she does not read this forum...hehe

    See you :-)

  2. #12
    swharris, I am not a caregiver. I have a T11-12 injury, six years post. I can only imagine the strain that caregiving places on a relationship. My comment is on your last statement in this last post. I think she needs to know how you are feeling. Like any relationship, communication is the key. You, or anyone, can't do this by themselves. Trust me I need to take my own advice here too. But, honestly if she doesn't know how you feel and you are upset, don't feel like you should tell her, I think it will just be a vicious cycle of the same thing. Individual therapy is good but therapists do not live with you and your family day after day. I can tell you love your wife and your kids. If you didn't you would have left already . Your wife sounds like a very strong woman! I hope that things get better for you and your family very soon!! Everyone needs to stick together during hard times. That is when bonds become stronger .

    T8-9 according to latest scoring.......
    since 1/3/04

    I am the best at being me. No matter how that happens to be!!

  3. #13
    This is a good place to share your thoughts and feelings. Hopefully, we can give you two a boost.
    You will find a guide to preserving shoulder function @

    See my personal webpage @

  4. #14

    Would not even know where to start therefore comment .

    Know that you are not alone but amongst friends so draw your strenght from here as many of us did & do.
    United we have the strongest shoulders to lean on.
    Last edited by MioaraD; 04-25-2010 at 09:23 AM. Reason: spelling

  5. #15
    Support is what this forum is all about! We have all hit the 'blow the gasket' scene at one point or another!

    One comment/suggestion about the lifting - Do look into an overhead lift. I so understand about the Hoyer - they have got to be the clumsiet piece of equipment ever invented, and you have to have a ginormous room to use them, not to mention the hassle of getting someone into it!

    We have used a Surehands lift for almost 6 years now, and love, love, love it. I know there are other overhead systems, this is just the one we found. My son is a C5-6, and is a total transfer. Using the Surehand has really saved my back! Also, at your wife's level, she might be able to use it herself, accomplishing making her feel more independent, and taking a lil load off you. You can install the ceiling track whereever you need it; we only use it over the bed, to do transfers from bed to chair, but you can have the track run to the bathroom. I think someone posted on this a while ago, and had the track installed all over his house! And he was doing his own transfers in it.

  6. #16
    Marmalady's suggestion to look at SureHands is a good one, but go to a dealer and try it out before shelling out any $$. We would have bought one had not the lifting method it uses been so painful for my wife. It's an excellent idea, but not for everybody.
    - Richard

  7. #17
    I did all my cooking, cleaning (inc mopping and vaccuming), dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, driving sometimes through states, dressing, bowel care, changing sheets, went to college, worked full time and have an active sex life.
    It took about 10yrs before I realized how much I was doing. I'm someone who'd scream if "set up" with some craft to kill time. You and she need to learn to live and enjoy life.
    If she can't care for herself in dressing, bowel and bladder care and transfers she needs more rehab. She needs to lose weight if overweight. She needs to want to be independent. Keep healthy foods in the house. See a dietition. If she doesn't like it she can dress, drive to the grocery store, cook and serve what she likes. SCI in 1970 C5-6 w/ tri-cepts.

  8. #18
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Quote Originally Posted by swharris View Post
    The bed is a bit too high to slide transfer her from chair to bed. Bed to chair is a bit down hill so no problem there with a slide board.
    I am t t7-8, and don;t feel qualified to comment on most of what ou have written, except for this.

    I still have trouble with uphill transfers, and could not do them at all when first home. Our bed it the same height as my chair, my husband did something to the legs (either replaced them, or cut them down, I am not sure at this point ....) so that it works perfectly.

    Can you modify the bed or get a different frame?
    T7-8 since Feb 2005

  9. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by Patrick Madsen View Post
    She's C7 why are you lifting her into bed. Barring other injuries, a C/7 has the complete potential of being independent. I trust she is working towards that goal.
    Turns out she is really a 5/6...I asked again today. Either way she can not transfer up...our bed is higher than the chair.

  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by dash View Post
    I did all my cooking, cleaning (inc mopping and vaccuming)
    If she can't care for herself in dressing, bowel and bladder care and transfers she needs more rehab. She needs to lose weight if overweight. She needs to want to be independent. Keep healthy foods in the house. See a dietition. If she doesn't like it she can dress, drive to the grocery store, cook and serve what she likes. SCI in 1970 C5-6 w/ tri-cepts.

    LOL, I'm sure you married guys can understand my next comment.

    Dash, have you ever been married to a WOMAN? Tell her what to do?? Bahahaha. Right.

    I agree with each of your statements, but the reality is each person has to make these decisions for themselves. Ever try to MAKE someone loose weight, stop smoking or stop doing drugs or ANYTHING for that matter?? Now, ever try to MAKE a spouse do any of those obviously good for you things? Just not gonna happen no matter how hard I try....unless she comes to those conclusions on her own.

    Believe me I tried all of those things and more. She would rather concentrate on other things/people/stuff (work,kids,house) than on herself. Why?? I don't know. I do know after 17 years of being married to this woman that if I try to force her to do what is good for her it will end in nothing but bad. So I encourage the best I can and let it go and cook and shop as healthy as possible. BTW we are on a very healthy diet...our problem here is portion control and activity level :-)

    I used to get very frustrated when I'd bring her some new tidbit of stem cell SCI info and want her to be as excited as I was....waste of time. I finally just gave up. If she wants to know about the cutting edge of a coming cure...she will have to do the research. Mean I know, but it is up to her.

    You are impressive BTW!

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