Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: Marriage commitment after SCI

Hybrid View

Previous Post Previous Post   Next Post Next Post
  1. #1

    Marriage commitment after SCI

    I have had someone to day tell me that 99% of marriages break up after one spouse receives a sci. What is your input into this. I don't agree. My son is 28 and is a C1-2 as of last April 17th and I believe his and his wife's faith and our strong family and church family is a great asset that will make all the differnce. Sandy

  2. #2
    Here is some information about marriages that occur after the spinal cord injury:

    "Outcomes of Post-Spinal Cord Injury Marriages"

    More than 50% of marriages that occured prior to the spinal cord injury end in divorce, but it certainly is not 99%. 5 years post injury, of those married at the time of injury, 89% are still married (compared to 81% of those couples married 5 years previously without a SCI).

    http://www.sci-info-pages.com/facts.html
    Here is a good article (not specific to SCI) on divorce and disability:

    Divorce and disability

    Those with traumatic brain injuries have much higher divorce rates than those with SCI.

    In my personal experience, if the marriage was already in trouble, SCI is nearly always the straw that breaks the camel's back. If the marriage was strong, it often survives and many couples report that they are closer.

    (KLD)

  3. #3
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2003
    Location
    middle of nowhere
    Posts
    102
    Very strange numbers. Are there stats on marriages that occur after SCI? Like when an AB marries a SCI say 1-2 year after SCI?

  4. #4
    Senior Member Tim C.'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    2,247
    Blog Entries
    1

    JEFF B; you got it right, NURSE; just the politically correct..

    ...response we expect from you.
    Personally, I see the marriage v sci thing a bit more rational. Let's face it, those who claim their marriage is just as 'complete', or 'strong marriage before = strong marriage post' are just not being real. I believe sci can unravel even the strongest of marriages if the grim reaper of sci decides to come calling at the times in your lives as JEFF B refers to. In fact, I think that it's up to the sci spouse to offer the AB spouse a painless out if the situation calls for it. The AB spouse does not want the stigma of being the heartless, abandoning one, and the sci spouse should be sensitive to this.
    Conversely, if the sci occurs during a sedentary period of the marriage, or if the partners tend to be rather sedentary themselves, then maybe even a weak marriage can last.
    I just don't think the creators of the "for better or worse" had the possibility of sci in mind, it's just too devastating to the AB spouse if the sci level is too burdening. We sci just have to suck it up and realize what havoc we create by just living. We should not begrudge the AB if the AB begins to disengage themself from the new and complicated lifestyle. Afterall, we want the best for each other, so why ruin two lives. Again, I speak of the more difficult sci's. I do believe there are some sci levels that do not suck the life out of the marriage, but everyone has different tolerances for dealing with adversity anyway so no single rule applies for all.

    Just my two cents, I offer no apologies, just a reality check.

  5. #5
    Senior Member mk99's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    toronto, canada
    Posts
    3,494
    Being an independent T4 para (5 years post injury), I find it somewhat surprising but the things that strained the marriage before injury are the same things that strain it now. The SCI actually has very little to do with it. It took a while but I guess it's come full circle.

    And if there is ever a divorce, we can both honestly agree that my SCI will not even be on the top 3 reasons why my wife & I split up. (which hopefully will not happen)
    "Oh yeah life goes on
    Long after the thrill of livin is gone"

    John Cougar Mellencamp

  6. #6
    Tim C, Mike - agreed on all points.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Tim C.
    ...In fact, I think that it's up to the sci spouse to offer the AB spouse a painless out if the situation calls for it. The AB spouse does not want the stigma of being the heartless, abandoning one, and the sci spouse should be sensitive to this.
    Conversely, if the sci occurs during a sedentary period of the marriage, or if the partners tend to be rather sedentary themselves, then maybe even a weak marriage can last.
    As the AB wife of a C3/4 incomplete, I have to throw my 2 cents in here, even though I am late in responding to this thread. My husband has talked about getting divorced for my sake. On one hand I think it is great that he cares enough to let me try to find a new life, on the other hand it should be a mutual agreement. Although I have thought over the last 3 years what it would be like to not have the burden of SCI as part of my life, it isn't so easy to just walk away from the man I married 22 years ago. We are older and not as active as we once were, but it has still been devastating and very hard on our relationship. I find him pulling away as he just isn't quite to the point of accepting his limitations, he is still working to recover and that is really all he sees. This is particularly hard on me as it feels as though I am not even on his priority radar. He is still very angry and feels his life is over. But Im not willing to give up yet. And I really don't want to start life all over, or be alone. I love my husband, even though he is a pain in the ass sometimes. We are spending some time apart right now as he in participating in a clinical trial for 11 weeks. I think he is happier alone... he has his routine... he is big on routines. But I am not happier... I am just lonely and I miss him. Sure I miss the life we had before his injury... and I am more free in some respects without him here, but it is just not the same without him, even though it is temporary. I have a big fear that he will come home after all this and decide to leave me. For me that would be just another big loss... akin to the loss we have already suffered. I don't know what the future holds... I'm just trying to take it a day at a time.

  8. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by walkanotherday
    Very strange numbers. Are there stats on marriages that occur after SCI? Like when an AB marries a SCI say 1-2 year after SCI?
    according to the research, post-SCI marriages have a much better prognosis. i don't have any hard numbers, tho.
    "The only true currency in this bankrupt world...is what you share with someone else when you're uncool." - Almost Famous

  9. #9
    Thank you so much for your information! I thought that may have been a disparaging remark about the 99%. I feel so much that it is all about your faith, family and community, and personalities besides of course your love that makes all the difference. Sandy

  10. #10
    A C1-2 injury is a devastating blow, but so much of marital longevity depends on sheer stubbornness. I think it depends on the personalities. I wish them all the luck in the world, and tell them we're here if they need us.

    C5/6 incomplete, injured Aug. 2000

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •